


The Path of Righteousness

by TwistedRocketPower



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Cults, Drama, Eventual Romance, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, No Character Death, Religion, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-07
Updated: 2018-04-07
Packaged: 2019-03-01 18:24:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 72,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13300659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwistedRocketPower/pseuds/TwistedRocketPower
Summary: At six years old, with his parents by his side, Daniel Howell was led through the entrance of the spiritual society God's Guard. Raised under the leadership of The Chosen One, Joshua, this community was all Daniel knew. No matter what anyone said, God's Guard was not a cult. It wouldn't matter if it was one anyway, because there wasn't anything or anyone who could take him from this place.





	1. Psalm 23

**Author's Note:**

> Just a warning: I haven't detailed every tag, as it would basically give away the entire story, so try to proceed with caution. If any of those main tags bother you, this may not be the fic for you.
> 
> I hope you enjoy! Thanks for reading!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques

_The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want._

_He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: He leadeth me beside the still waters._

_He restoreth my soul: He leadeth me into the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake._

_Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil:_

_for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me._

_Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies:_

_thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over._

_Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life:_

_and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever._

 

“Hey… Hello… Earth to Daniel!”

Daniel’s head popped up. “Yeah- Yes, what is it, Timothy?”

“I’ve said your name like ten times,” Timothy replied with a smile. He sat down across from Daniel at the table. “What are you up to?”

“Reading Psalms,” he replied simply, looking back down at his Bible and gently closing the book. “You know how I get when I do that.”

Timothy nodded. “I know. I wouldn’t bother you, but Joshua wants to speak to you.”

Daniel’s head shot back up. “He does? Why?”

Timothy shrugged. “I don’t know. He said it was important though.”

“Is he upset?”

“Um, does he have reason to be?”

Daniel thought for a moment. “I don’t think so, no.”

“Then he’s probably not upset. He didn’t seem it anyway.”

Daniel nodded, but remained in his seat.

“You know,” Timothy said, leaning forward a bit, “he hates to be kept waiting, so…”

Daniel nodded again, standing this time and taking hold of his Bible. He held it at his side, gripping it tightly with a sweaty hand. Timothy stood up as well, walking over to Daniel’s side as they headed out of the library. “Would you like me to go with you?” He asked quietly.

Daniel shook his head. “No, I’ll be fine. I’ll come see you when I’m done.”

Timothy nodded, biting at his already chapped bottom lip. “Alright. Straight away, okay?”

“Yeah. Straight away.”

 

Daniel paused for a moment before knocking on Joshua’s door. He reached up and felt his hair with his free hand, making sure every strand was in place. He looked down at his clothes next. He wore a freshly ironed, white dress shirt tucked into black, pleated trousers. His dress shoes were shiny, having been polished just the night before. His Bible was placed in his right hand, directly at his side, the front facing outward.

When he was sure everything was in order, he knocked on the door.

“Enter!” Joshua said, his voice deep and commanding, as always.

Daniel turned the knob, opening the door with a smile on his face. “Hello, Joshua,” he said, entering the room before closing the door behind him.

“Hello, Daniel. Please, have a seat.”

Joshua took off his glasses, setting them on the desk as he leaned back in his chair.

Daniel took a seat in one of the navy blue chairs in front of Joshua’s desk, placing his Bible on his lap and folding his his hands on top of it.

“How has your day been, Daniel?”

“Good, thank you.”

“Did you accomplish your goals for the day?”

“Yes, Sir. Editing is complete for the next video. It will be posted at noon tomorrow, as you requested.”

Joshua nodded. “Good. Thank you very much.”

“You’re welcome, Sir.”

Joshua picked up his glasses again, putting them back on and looking down at the notebook in front of him. “Daniel, as you know, you had your 26th birthday just last week. Over the years, I’ve done a lot of praying for you. I know you’ve had to wait longer than many, but I felt it was for the best. The others, they weren’t the right fit. Do you understand me so far, Daniel?”

“I’m afraid I don’t, Joshua.”

Joshua sighed, moving his glasses down on his nose so he could look at Daniel. “Daniel, you’re getting older. It’s time for you to have a mate.”

Daniel sat up a bit straighter, taking in a deep breath. “Oh,” he said, slightly confused. “Oh, I-”

“Now, I know we’ve waited quite some time,” Joshua interrupted, “and for good reason. It simply… it simply wasn’t your time until now.”

Daniel nodded. “Yes, Sir.”

“But God wants everyone to be fruitful and multiply. You are no exclusion. Many here are much younger than you and they already have a family of their own.”

“Yes, Sir,” he replied. He looked down at his Bible, unable to bring a smile to his face.

“You appear to have questions, Daniel.”

Daniel looked back up at Joshua. “No, Sir,” he said quickly, shaking his head. “No, Sir. I- Whatever you think is best.”

Joshua got up from his chair. He took his glasses off again, set them down, and then walked over to the empty chair beside Daniel. “Come on, Daniel,” he said, sitting down beside him. “You may ask questions.”

Daniel paused, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. “I don’t know anyone here close to my age,” he said. “Did someone new arrive?”

Joshua shook his head, leaning back in the chair. “No. No, nothing like that. You know the Levi’s?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Their daughter Jessica turns 16 in two months.”

Daniel felt his heart start to race. He looked over at Joshua. “She’s ten years younger than me,” he said.

“The Lord made this decision, Daniel. Spoke directly to me, as he does. I’ve already spoken to the Levi’s and they’re thrilled. They’re ready to sign the papers already,” he said with a laugh. “You know what the law says though. We must wait two more months. The day after her birthday, that’s when the wedding will be.”

Daniel tightly squeezed his folded hands. “Yes… Yes, Sir,” he replied, his mouth suddenly feeling dry.

“Okay,” Joshua replied, a wide smile on his face. He reached over and patted Daniel’s leg. “Now, a business matter. Someone from the media will be visiting soon. I’ll give you more information along with the rest of the congregation, but you will be the one to show them around. I also need 300 flyers printed for the Devon’s to hand out next week.”

“Yes, Sir,” Daniel replied, staring straight ahead. He hoped Joshua wouldn’t think he was acting strange and, thankfully, he didn’t seem to.

“Good, good. Since that’s out of the way,” Joshua said, standing back up, “we can move onto other things.”

Daniel closed his eyes as he heard the familiar click of the door locking behind him.

 

“Married?” Timothy questioned, looking at Daniel with a confused expression.

Daniel leaned further back against the tree he and Timothy were sitting under. “Yeah. Married.”

“Wow… You must be excited.”

Daniel picked at the grass beside him. “She’s fifteen, Timothy.”

“She’ll be sixteen when you marry though.”

“That’s still ten years.”

“Well… Well, George and Miriam are twelve years apart.”

“George and Miriam are in their eighties and nineties and they got married when Miriam was thirty. It’s a bit different.”

Timothy sighed, reaching up to his straight, blonde hair and checking to make sure it was in place, still perfectly combed over to the left. “It’s what God wants though, Daniel. That’s what matters. When God decides for me to marry, he’ll tell Joshua exactly who he wants for me, and that’s who I’ll be with.”

“Well, you are only twenty, Timothy. Your future wife could be learning her times tables in primary school right now.”

Timothy snorted, knocking Daniel’s shoulder with his own. “Daniel, stop. You know this isn’t a laughing matter.”

Daniel smiled, but it faded quickly as he continued picking at the grass. It truly _wasn’t_ a laughing matter. Even though Daniel had been joking, it was very likely that Timothy’s future wife really was in primary school.

“Did you hear me?” Timothy asked.

Daniel looked over at him, coming out of his thoughts. “What?”

“I said maybe it’ll change things.”

“What things?” Daniel asked.

“You know… _things.”_

“Oh! Oh… um, yeah. Maybe.”

“Anyway,” Timothy said, changing the subject as he always did when he could sense things getting awkward, “would you be able to come to dinner tonight? Mum’s making the pork chops you love.”

“Yeah, I should be able to. I actually need to use your Dad’s printer, if that’s alright.”

“Of course.” Timothy looked at his watch. “I have to go. The farmers have a meeting later tonight and I have to make sure we’re actually going to have enough wheat for this year.”

Daniel laughed. “Yes, the ladies are still complaining about the lack of wheat we had two years ago.”

Timothy rolled his eyes. “Probably because all the men complained about not having sandwiches for three whole months.” He got up, wiping the grass off of his pants. “See you later, Daniel.”

“Bye, Timothy.”

Daniel looked around as Timothy headed off, taking in the open fields around him.

They had beautiful land here. Over four hundred acres for the families in God’s Guard to live. They had a school, church, doctor’s office, dentist, workshop, and a mercantile. The mercantile was where food, cloth, and other necessities were kept, and money was never needed. People would take from the mercantile only when they absolutely needed something, and they gave to it whenever they had anything extra left.

They had nearly a hundred acres for crops, and land for farm animals too. Chickens, cows, ducks, goats, pigs, sheep, and creeks filled with fish.

There was endless space for kids to play and run. Daniel could remember being young, running around the same tree he sat against today, playing tag with other kids within the compound.

Family picnics were a weekly affair, and still are, but it was different then.

Everything was different when Daniel was younger.

The land is still beautiful, but he couldn’t help the heaviness that filled in his chest when he took it in. He couldn’t help but see the invisible fences that attached him to this land.

He leaned his head back against the tree, closing his eyes and letting the afternoon breeze cool him down.

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart,” he mumbled to himself, taking in a slow, deep breath, “and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”

 

“Everyone, everyone! Let’s settle down, please!”

Daniel watched from the front pew as Gerald, second in command to Joshua, tried to quiet the congregation.

Gerald was a big man. Over six and a half feet, and all muscle. He’s a farmer by nature, hand-picked by Joshua to be his right hand man. He had tan, rough skin from being outside so much. He almost looked Greek, but he let everyone know he and his family originated from Ireland. Something he was almost too proud of, if Daniel was being honest.

He had black hair and brown eyes, and even though he was always sweating- even in an air conditioned room- he had a confidence that not many people had.

Still, he wasn’t Joshua, and it took a bit more of an effort for people to listen to him.

“Settle down, please!” Gerald repeated. “Joshua will arrive soon!”

At the sound of his name, people began to quiet down. Within a few seconds, all eyes were aimed at the stage.

“Thank you,” Gerald said with a smile. “As I said, Joshua will be arriving soon. I know we are all wondering what this news will be about, but let’s remember not to spread gossip. Gossip is the devil’s gateway into our hearts. Let’s remain quiet and settled until Joshua enters, please. Thank you.”

Gerald turned and walked over to his seat on the stage. It was slightly to the left of the pulpit, making it hard for him to be seen by half of the congregation once Joshua was standing there.

That didn’t matter though. Because when Joshua was standing on that stage, nothing else mattered.

He entered the room through a side door a few seconds later, smiling at the crowd.

Immediately, everyone stood. Those bound by wheelchairs raised their arms in greeting.

“Please, take your seats,” he said to them as he stood behind the pulpit, placing his Bible out in front of him. “Is everyone feeling blessed by our holy Lord today?”

“Yes, Joshua,” the crowd replied.

“As it should be each day. Now, this is not a regular meeting. I’m sure you are all aware of that by now. As you are all aware, the media often attacks this land. They reject our teachings and beliefs. Fallen members spout lies created by the devil, bringing police to our land. This is nothing new.”

Joshua looked down at his Bible. He placed his hand gently over it, nodding once before he looked up and continued. “Now, I want you all to rest easy. There have been no new lies spread recently. In fact, our congregation has grown by five just this past week. The Fallon family will be introduced tomorrow at regular services.”

He placed his hands on either side of the pulpit, standing straighter as he continued to address everyone. “I received a call the other day from a news organization. A small group, uncorrupted by major news networks. They informed me that they’d like to send a member of their team to come live among us for a couple of weeks.”

The congregation began looking around at one another, quiet whispers about how cruel the outside world was to them. How they’d never understand.

“I ask you to remain calm!” He said, silencing them immediately. “I want you to know, I rejected the offer at first. I told them we do not like outsiders who wish to spread lies. They were quick to inform me that this was not the case. They want the truth. The truth about who we are, what we believe, and what we do. They said that if people read about our daily lives- how we’re farmers, doctors, nurses, teachers, homemakers- if they saw these things, we may not be so harshly judged.”

Joshua moved out from behind the pulpit, slowly walking across the stage. “I prayed about this. Discussed it directly with God. He told me this would be in our best interest. He told me to accept the offer. Therefore, a journalist will be arriving in a few days to live with us. I am sure there are plenty of you willing to give up space in your home for them when they arrive. I am also sure you will all remain on your best behavior while they are here.”

He turned around and began walking to the other end of the stage, giving Daniel a smile as he motioned toward him. “Daniel will guide him around while he’s here, and make sure he speaks with the correct people. Since Daniel leads our media relations, it seems he would be the best choice. I do not want any of you to worry about this. Remember to place your trust in God, and in me. I would not lead you astray.”

Joshua walked back to the pulpit and picked up his Bible. “Thank you all for your time. May God guide you.”

Everyone stood up once more as Joshua left. “May God guide you,” they repeated to him.

It wasn’t until he left that the chatter started up again. As everyone headed back to their home, they wondered about the strange outsider that would be coming to live with them.

“I’m so proud of you Daniel,” Julia, his mum, said as they made their way home.

“I am too, Son,” his dad, Robert, agreed, giving him a pat on the back. “It’s a great honor to be chosen by Joshua for such a task. He would only give such a job to those he fully trusted.”

“Thank you,” Daniel replied, giving them a small smile. “I’m happy to be chosen.”

 

The days leading up to the reporter’s arrival went by quickly. The women were busy cleaning the home, preparing meals, and making sure the children knew all of their school materials.

The men stayed busy at work. The farm needed to be spotless, and the animals in perfect condition. The fields had to look just right, making it so even the men who weren’t farmers still came to help.

The mercantile was stocked more than it had been in years. A beautiful variety of cloth, freshly made jams and pickled foods, handmade clothes for both men and women, shoes for all ages, toys for the children. There were even some boiled sweets, which was a rarity.

Everyone dressed in their best clothes on the day the reporter was due, even though they wouldn’t be meeting them right away.

The only person at the entrance of God’s Guard was Daniel.

And as Daniel waited, he prayed he was ready.

He would immediately be taking the reporter to Joshua’s office, where he was already seated and waiting behind his desk.

Joshua had also given him a list of people that the reporter must talk to, along with a list of people that were okay to talk to, and even a list of a few people who weren’t necessary to speak with. It would be Daniel’s job to make sure everything ran smoothly, and he’d be to blame if something went wrong.

He really hoped nothing would go wrong.

A black car pulled up and Daniel straightened his posture. As the car stopped, a cloud of dust rose up from the unpaved road.

There were a few seconds of nothing, and then the back door opened.

A man stepped out, placed two suitcases on the ground, thanked the driver, and then closed the door.

He glanced around at the trees, then looked at Daniel with a smile.

As the car backed away, the reporter walked up to Daniel and held out his hand.

“Hello.”

“Hello,” Daniel greeted, shaking his hand. “I take it you’re the reporter, correct?”

“That’s correct.”

Daniel nodded. “My name’s Daniel Howell,” he introduced.

“It’s lovely to meet you, Daniel. My name is Phil Lester.”


	2. Exodus 19:5-6

_ Now therefore, if ye will obey my voice indeed, and keep my covenant, _

_ then ye shall be a peculiar treasure unto me above all people: for all the earth is mine: _

_ And ye shall be unto me a kingdom of priests, and a holy nation. _

_ These are the words which thou shalt speak unto the children of Israel. _

_ Exodus 19:5-6 _

 

“God’s Guard?”

“Yes.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes, Phil. Why would I joke about that?”

“I don’t know, Will,” Phil replied with a shrug. “I’m sorry if I’m slightly confused by the fact you’re sending me to a cult to live for two weeks.”

“Phil, this is a perfect way for Citizen Press to make it big. Can you imagine an in depth article about the cult that practically banned all outsiders? You’ll get a first look at everything that goes on in there. Are the former members telling the truth? Is there really nothing illegal going? Are they peaceful? Are they the next Jonestown? You’d be finding all of this out. You’d be writing it and posting it online for the world to see. This wouldn’t just be big for CP, but it would be huge for you too.”

Phil sighed, leaning back in his seat. “Are you _telling_ me I’m going as a boss? Or _asking_ me to go as a friend?”

Will rolled his eyes. “Asking, Phil. And I’m not your boss. We started this together.”

“Technically you still are my boss.”

“Only because you didn’t want to deal with all the extra paperwork that comes with running this place. Now stop trying to change the subject. Yes or no?”

Phil groaned. “You know I hate religious stuff.”

“I know.”

“Couldn’t you get someone else?”

“I could,” Will said with a nod, “but I know you’re the best for the job. You’d look at things critically, but you’d still be sweet as hell-”

“Hey!”

“Oh, please. You don’t know how to be rude. Also, you don’t have any attachments, unlike our other employees.”

“Thank you so much for that reminder.”

Will gave him a pointed look. “So?”

Phil took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “Fine, I’ll do it.”

 

“Mum… Mum… Mum, please!”

“Philip Michael Lester, how dare you ever accept such a ridiculous job? Do you know what that place is like? I’ve been hearing stories on it since the eighties! The year it began! It’s a terrible place. Absolutely terrible!”

“Mum, I know there's been a lot of stories. I also know that none of them have ever been proven.”

“It’s only because they hide under the term ‘religious organization’ and the police don’t do their job the right way!”

“I’ll be fine, Mum,” Phil replied, even though it felt like butterflies were flying throughout his entire body.

“You better be, young man!”

“I will. I think we’re nearly there though, so I’m going to let you go. I’ll get in touch when I can.”

“I don’t like this, Phil,” Kathryn replied, her voice changing from harsh to soft and concerned.

“I know, Mum. Love you.”

“Love you too, Child.”

Phil hung up and laid his head back against the seat, closing his eyes.

“Couldn’t help but overhear,” his driver started, causing Phil to open his eyes and look at him. “You’re goin’ to God’s Guard to write a story?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Must say, I’m glad to hear that. I thought you might be joining them.”

“No, Sir. I don’t plan on doing that.”

“I don’t know if it’s true or not, but I’ve heard many stories about the place. I live fairly close by, so people talk about them a lot in town.”

Phil leaned forward in his seat. “What have you heard?” He asked.

“Well, a few former members have accused the people inside of some terrible crimes. Police haven’t been able to do much, but they never can for cults like that. Some charges have been dropped because those members were drug addicts, and they couldn’t be trusted. Others, at least I think, were scared into dropping the charges.”

“I’ve read a few of the stories that are online,” Phil replied. “Not all of them though. I wanted to go in with a clear head.”

“That’s a good thing, I suppose. Here we are,” the driver said, turning off the main road and onto a one lane, dirt path. When they reached the entrance, Phil noticed a man standing near the sign. 

“I hope you find something,” the driver continued. “Good or bad.”

Phil stepped out of the car and pulled his two suitcases out behind them. 

“Thank you,” he said to the driver before shutting the door.

He took a moment to glance around at the trees, taking note of how far back in the middle of nowhere they appeared to be, before looking at the man near the gate.

Phil smiled, walking up to him as he took him in. It was the reporter side of him, making sure he got every detail he could within a matter of seconds.

Brown, wavy hair, perfectly combed to the side. Brown eyes, deep set. He appeared warm, inviting. 

He was wearing a white, button up shirt- perfectly pressed. He also had on black trousers, and black dress shoes that contained a small amount of dirt on them. 

“Hello,” Phil said, holding out his hand for the man to shake.

“Hello,” he greeted. “I take it you’re the reporter, correct?”

“That’s correct.”

The man nodded. “My name’s Daniel Howell,” he introduced. There was a small smile on his face, and Phil couldn’t help but notice the dimples in his cheeks.

“It’s lovely to meet you, Daniel. My name is Phil Lester.”

“It’s nice to meet you as well. If you’ll come with me, I’ll lead you to Joshua.”

“Okay.” Phil turned to pick up his bags, but Daniel came over to his side and picked up one of them for him. “Oh, thank you.”

“Not a problem. Right this way.”

They passed the entrance sign and continued down the dirt path. There was no gate at the entrance. No guards standing around either. There didn’t appear to be anything forcing people to stay on the land.

The only thing Phil saw was trees. They surrounded them on either side. Tall and bright green, casting shadows down over them.

“So, um, who exactly is Joshua?” Phil asked, taking a couple of quick steps to catch up to Daniel.

Daniel looked over at him with a slightly shocked expression. “Um, he… Joshua is our leader.”

“Oh… So, he’s who you worship?”

Daniel let out a laugh, tossing his head back as his eyes crinkled up. “No. No, we don’t worship him. We worship God.”

Phil felt his face heating up in embarrassment. “Oh… I apologize.”

“No need,” Daniel responded. “There are a lot of misconceptions about this place. That’s what you’re here for, right? To learn the truth?”

Phil nodded. “Yes, that’s right.”

“Good.”

Eventually, the dirt path ended, as did the trees. And then there was open land, and houses, and Phil could see farm animals off in the distance. There were cows grazing on grass, and horses off in another section of the land. 

“Joshua’s office is this way,” Daniel said, turning right and leading them down another small path. It wasn’t dirt like the last one, but the grass was slightly flatter there than anywhere else.

As they continued toward the office, Phil noticed a lack of people walking around. 

They passed many homes, but no one was outside.

He did see, however, people peeking through curtains.

“Um, Daniel?” 

“Yes?”

“Why is no one outside right now?”

“They’re all busy preparing. We’re not used to having a visitor that isn’t making his way in by force.”

“Oh… That sounds scary.”

“It is.” Daniel motioned to a building that looked like a farmhouse. It was white, with black trim, and a red door. There were two steps leading up to the front door, and a handmade sign that said ‘offices’ hung on it. “His office is in here.”

Daniel walked up the steps and opened the door, with Phil following closely behind him. 

The building had one hallway running down the center of the room, with two doors on both sides of the hall.

Daniel knocked twice on the first door on the left.

“Please, come in!” Joshua exclaimed.

“I’ll wait out here,” Daniel said, reaching down and taking Phil’s other bag from him. “Then we’ll head to where you’ll be staying.”

Phil nodded. “Alright. Thank you.”

Phil opened the office door and stepped inside.

Joshua was sitting at his desk, his Bible open in front of him. He took his glasses off as Phil walked in, setting them on the table and getting up from his chair.

“Welcome,” he said with a smile on his face, reaching out to shake Phil’s hand. “My name is Joshua.”

“I’m Phil Lester. It’s nice to meet you,” he said, returning the shake.

“Please, close the door and we can get started.”

Joshua walked back to his desk and Phil closed the door, then sat down in one of the empty seats. 

“Now, Phil, tell me more about your website.”

“Well, Citizen Press was started by me and my friend. It’s an online news source, fairly new. We have five journalists, and we all pretty much work independently to bring the most honest and fresh stories to the public. We’re not affiliated with any major news network, therefore we have more leeway on the type of articles we produce. I’m sure you heard a lot of this from Will though.”

“Yes, we did talk a couple of times. I was skeptical about bringing an outsider into this place. You must understand, not many people have given us a fair chance.” Joshua leaned back in his chair, folding his hands over his lap. “We’ve been ridiculed relentlessly by the media. Terrible lies thrown around, police raids, our privacy stripped away from us without warning.”

“I assure you that is not what I came to do,” Phil replied. “I simply want to learn the truth about this place. See what the people are like, and the land is like, so I can help spread that truth to the rest of the world.”

Joshua nodded. “Yes, that’s what Will said. I think that’s just what we need. Now, there are a few rules that I’d like for you to abide by while you are here. Just until I can rest assured that there will be no security issues. I trust you, Phil, but many here do not. It’s for your safety as much as theirs.”

“I understand.”

Joshua leaned forward, moving closer to the desk. He gently closed his Bible before continuing to speak. “I’d like for you to remain with Daniel when you go anywhere. If you’re leaving the home you will be staying in, you need to be with him. His home is only a few doors away, and you are free to walk directly to his house and back by yourself. Otherwise, you’ll need to be in his care.”

“Yes, Sir.”

“And I understand that asking questions will be part of this whole ordeal. You may do so as you please, but you must respect our customs. And if someone feels you are crossing a line, do not continue to cross it. If I receive complaints, then this get together will have to end early.”

Phil nodded. “I assure you, Joshua, I am not going to try and provoke anyone. Honesty is important to me, and I won’t force anyone to speak of something they don’t want to speak about.”

“That’s wonderful,” Joshua replied. “Two other things. One, there is no crude language allowed.”

“I’ll be professional.”

“And two, you must attend church services. Everyone else will be there anyway, so it’s not like you’d be missing out on anything.”

“That’s part of the whole experience, Sir. I’ll be there.”

“Excellent.” Joshua placed his hands flat on the table, smiling wide as he pushed himself up to stand. “I believe that’s all, unless you have questions for me?”

“Not at the moment, but I’m sure I will soon.”

“Wonderful. Daniel will be waiting for you just out the door and he’ll take you to your living quarters. Good meeting you, Phil.”

“You too, Joshua.”

Phil stood and left out of the office, closing the door behind him.

Sure enough, Daniel was standing there, waiting. He looked more stoic than before, rigid almost.

Phil looked around, taking note of the fact that even though Daniel was there, Phil’s luggage was not.

“It’s already been taken to the Winder’s,” Daniel said, as though he read Phil’s mind. “Your luggage, I mean. That’s where you’ll be staying.”

“Oh, okay.”

“How did your meeting go?” Daniel asked as they headed out the door.

“It went well, I think,” Phil replied. “Very… official.”

“That’s Joshua,” Daniel said, placing his hands behind his back. “A very professional leader.”

“Yes, seems like it,” Phil said.

“Are you ready to be taken to your new home?” Daniel asked when they reached the main path.

Phil smiled, hoping it would help to relax Daniel again. “Lead the way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for all the lovely comments in chapter one! I know this story is pretty different, but it's one I couldn't get out of my head and just felt the need to tell.
> 
> I hope you continue to enjoy! 
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	3. Psalm 55:6-8

_And I say, “If only I had wings like a dove, I would fly away and be at rest._

_Yes, I would go far away._

_I would live in the desert._

_I would hurry to my safe place, away from the wild wind and storm."_

_Psalms 55:6-8_

 

“Where will I be staying?” Phil asked as they made their way through a row of houses.

“We’re almost there. You’ll be staying with Jeb and Kay Winder. They’re in their seventies, a bit hard of hearing, but kind.”

They took a few more steps before Daniel turned toward a two story, white house with black trim. It was one of the biggest homes Phil had seen so far.

Daniel walked up to the porch and knocked loudly on the door, startling Phil.

“Hard of hearing,” Daniel reminded him.

Phil nodded, running a hand over his shirt to get out any wrinkles.

After nearly thirty seconds, an older lady- Kay, Phil assumed- opened the door. She had a bright smile on her face, so wide Phil could see a few missing teeth in the back of her mouth. She had her gray hair up in a bun, and wore a long brown skirt with a light tan top tucked in. “Hello!” She greeted loudly, moving over to let Daniel and Phil inside. “Please, come in!”

Daniel stepped in first, with Phil following after.

“Hello, Mrs. Winder!” Daniel said as she pulled him in for a hug.

“Hello, Dear Daniel! How are you doing?”

“I’m well. This is Philip Lester!” He introduced once the hug ended.

“Phil,” he corrected gently, reaching out a hand.

“What?” She asked, leaning closer.

“Oh, um, Phil! You can call me Phil!”

She rejected his hand, giving him a hug instead.

“She likes to give hugs,” Daniel informed him after the fact.

“Yes, I see that,” he replied, patting her on the back. “It’s very nice to meet you, Mrs. Winder!” He said once she let him go.

“It’s nice to meet you too, Phil! Come with me!” She turned away from him, gesturing for them to follow her up the stairs.

Her house smelled like freshly baked bread and apples. Her wooden stairs creaked as they walked up them. He held onto the railing, although it was a bit wobbly, and wondered how long it had been since this house had been updated… if it ever had been updated.

There were no pictures in the house, but drawings of what appeared to be the same family were framed on the wall going up the stairs. Phil figured it must’ve been Jeb and Kay and their kids from when they were younger.

Once upstairs, Kay led them into a bedroom.

“You’ll have up here to yourself!” She said, opening the door and standing aside so he could go in. “You’ve got your own bedroom and a bathroom!”

Phil looked around for a moment before turning back to her with a smile. “It’s lovely! Thank you!”

“You’re welcome, Child! I have to go check on some things in the kitchen so I’ll leave you to settle in! Stop by before you leave, Daniel!”

“I will, Mrs. Winder!” Daniel replied, earning him a pat on the arm from her before she went back downstairs.

“She seems very nice,” Phil said, looking around the room once more. His luggage was on the bed, ready for him to move in.

The bedspread appeared to be a handmade quilt, made with leftover materials. Mostly flower prints, with some neutral colors mixed in. Its colors had dulled from years of use, but it was still perfectly put together. Not a stitch out of place.

There was a nightstand by the bed, with a small, antique lamp sitting on it, and a dresser against the side wall.

“They’re both nice. You’ll meet Jeb sometime today. He still likes to go out and feed the animals, so he won’t be back until later. You’ll have to speak even louder for him, by the way.”

Phil smiled. “Thanks for the advice.”

“Not a problem. Would, um, would you like me to leave you alone for a bit, until you get situated?”

“Actually, I’d like to get started now, if that’s okay?” He asked, turning to his luggage. He opened a front compartment and pulled out a notepad and pen. “I don’t have a whole lot of time here, so I don’t want to waste a moment.”

“Sure,” Daniel said with a nod. “Once we tell Kay bye, we’ll start looking around town.”

 

Once leaving the Winder’s, Daniel took Phil across the property and into town. They passed by the offices first, then came upon a much bigger building.

“This is our church,” Daniel said. “It seats nearly four hundred people. It’s also where we have town meetings.”

“It’s a lot bigger than I expected,” Phil said, looking up at the church. It was an all white building, with large, oval windows in the front. The steeple rose up high, with a cross placed at the top. It’s dark color stood out against the rest of the white building.

“It has to be big to fit everyone inside. We’ll go in later though. I’ll show you around the outside today.”

It took Phil a moment to realize Daniel had started walking again. He picked up his pace for a few steps until he caught up. “Over there is the mercantile, then we have the dentist and doctor’s offices, the school, our workshop, and a library.”

All of these buildings looked similar, although varying in size. They were wooden, each with steps leading up to the door. The workshop was the largest building, and loud noises could be heard coming from inside.

“That’s where basically everything is made for farming and our crops,” Daniel said, making Phil wonder if he actually was a mind reader.

“Why don’t you buy what’s needed instead of making it?” Phil asked.

“Why rely on the world when we’re perfectly capable of the work ourselves?”

“I guess that’s a good way to look at it,” Phil replied.

“Would you like to walk around more?”

“Yes, please!”

They continued walking through the town, passing all the buildings that Daniel had pointed out to Phil.

“Do you work in the workshop?” Phil asked.

Daniel shook his head. “No, I work in media.”

“Oh, really?” Phil asked, a hint of surprise in his voice.

“Yes, really,” Daniel said with a smile. “I post videos on our website, and YouTube, to get our message out to the world. I also run our Twitter page. I created the website a few years back after Joshua wanted to reach more people. I update it every once in a while.”

“I didn’t know you had internet here,” Phil admitted.

“Did you not look us up before you came here?”

“A little,” Phil replied. “Not much, to be honest. I wanted to come in with a clear mind.”

“That’s kind of you,” Daniel said. “Not many would do that.”

“It seems like a fun job,” Phil said. “Media, I mean.”

“I like it.”

They headed out of the town into cleared land. Phil could see a creek in the distance, with a small bridge path over it. He figured that must be where they were headed, but he didn’t question it.

“Where you born here?” Phil asked.

Daniel shook his head. “I was six. My dad lost his job and couldn’t find another. My mum was ill so she couldn’t work. We were losing our home and had nowhere to go. One day Dad went out to look for help and he came back a few hours later with it. Joshua was on the streets in our town, handing out flyers. He told my dad about this place, about how he’d never have to worry again. We’d have shelter, safety, food to eat, clothes to wear. It seemed too good to be true, but we had nothing to lose, so we came here. And everything that was offered was given. It was a miracle.”

Phil looked over at Daniel, who was staring straight ahead as they walked. He had no expression on his face, making it hard for Phil to read his emotions.

“Do you remember much from before?”

“You mean the world outside of God’s Guard?”

“Yeah.”

“Not really. Bits and pieces, mostly. This is home though,” he said, glancing over at Phil. “It’s my home.”

“It appears to be a lovely one,” Phil replied.

“Thank you.”

They continued walking in silence for a couple of minutes. Phil felt each second dragging on, trying desperately to come up with a new conversation. He was a journalist, for crying out loud! He shouldn’t be so nervous to ask questions.

“Interviews,” he said suddenly, causing Daniel to give him a questioning look. Phil cleared his throat. “I was just wondering when I’d be able to get started with interviews?”

“Oh. Um, I figured you’d want to rest some after traveling, so I scheduled interviews starting tomorrow. Also, I have a bit of work I need to get finished today, and Kay is fixing you dinner.”

“Yeah, that sounds perfect,” Phil said with a nod. “Thank you. I didn’t know you fixed a schedule for me. That’s kind of you.”

“It’s really not a problem,” Daniel replied. “I can even print you out a copy,” he said, trying and failing to hold back a grin, “as we do have one of those machines here as well.”

Phil let out a laugh. “Okay, I deserved that.”

 

After Daniel dropped Phil of at the Winder’s, he headed over to the computer room in the office building. He had some editing to do on a new video that was going to be posted on their website next week.

Usually, he wouldn’t do the editing so early, but he wanted to make sure he finished it before things got busier with Phil. He had a deadline and, even though he had been given extra duties, he still had to complete his regular tasks.

He was nearly finished when there was a knock on the door.

“Come in,” he said, looking back to see who was at the door.

A couple of seconds later, Timothy walked in. He came inside, then gently shut the door behind him.

“What are you doing in here?” Daniel asked. “You’re not supposed to come here while I work.”

“I just saw Joshua and Gerald leave,” Timothy replied, coming to sit in the empty chair beside Daniel. “They won’t be back tonight. I wanted to hear more about the reporter.”

Daniel sighed, but clicked out of the editing program. “His name is Philip Lester,” he began. “He’s young, maybe just a bit older than me. He’s got really black hair, and blue eyes… kind of blue and gray, and maybe some green. He’s almost as tall as me, and he smiles a lot.”

Timothy grinned. “So all you noticed is what he looked like?”

Daniel glared at him. “Shut up.”

Timothy rolled his eyes. “Well, get better information tomorrow.”

“You’ll be meeting him soon enough anyway.”

“Doesn’t matter. You’re going to get to know way more than anyone else, so you’re obligated to pass that information along to me.”

“Oh, I am?”

“Yes, you are.”

“Alright. I promise to get more info on the reporter for you,” Daniel replied. “Are we done now?”

“No! New subject. Have you visited with Jessica and her family yet?”

Daniel’s face fell slightly, and he turned his head to look back at the computer. “No.”

“It’s been over a week since you found out.”

“I’m waiting for a bit, that’s all. Some never went until the official announcement was made.”

“You’re going to have to go eventually,” Timothy said, his tone softening. “You can’t avoid it.”

“I know that, Timothy,” Daniel said, turning away from him completely and opening back up the editing software. “I’d like to get back to work now, please.”

Timothy let out a sigh. “Okay. See you later, Daniel.”

“Bye.”

 

It was just past nine o’clock when Phil found himself heading up to his room for the night. Apparently Jeb and Kay went to bed very early, so Phil decided to go upstairs and get his things set up.

He opened his suitcases and found everything in the exact order he had packed in. He had almost expected someone to go through all of his things when he arrived. It didn’t look like anything had been touched.

After changing into pyjamas, he pulled out his laptop and sat down on the bed. If he was going to be stuck upstairs for the night, he might as well watch some Netflix.

That idea quickly got shot to pieces when he tried to connect to wifi but found that there was no wifi in the surrounding area.

He grabbed his cell phone only to find that there was barely any service either. He moved all around, and the only clear spot was when he stood up on the bed.

He let out a deep sigh and sat back down on the bed, not feeling like standing and scrolling tonight.

After a few seconds, he got up and moved his suitcases off of the bed, then laid down.

He was a bit sleepy, and he was going to have to wake up fairly early tomorrow, so he decided it would probably be best if he tried to get some sleep.

He closed his eyes and, surprisingly, found himself starting to drift off fairly quickly.

Until a noise made his eyes pop open.

It sounded like… like, a moan.

But there was no way it-

He heard it again.

It was definitely a moan.

Two different moans, in fact.

It didn’t take long for the sounds to get louder and louder, and then Phil knew for sure that it was Jeb and Kay having sex downstairs.

Phil groaned. This was not how he expected his first night, or any night, here to go.

He reached under him and brought the pillow up around his ears, holding it tight to try and drown out the sounds.

Unfortunately, he found himself unable to fall asleep until long after they had reached their extraordinarily loud climax.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so thankful to you all for giving this story a chance, and I hope you continue to enjoy reading it as much as I'm enjoying writing it. Thank you!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	4. Hebrews 11:1

_ Now faith is confidence in what we hope for _

_ and assurance about what we do not see. _

_ Hebrews 11:1 _

 

Phil’s first official day at God’s Guard began with an extremely awkward breakfast with Jeb and Kay. It was already difficult for Phil to consume his eggs, bacon, and toast when he was used to small breakfasts. It was all made worse when the only thing he could think about were the sounds of them moaning.

Thankfully, he managed to finish his plate, and right when he was through, Daniel was knocking at the door.

“Have a good day!” Kay said as they headed out.

“You too!” Phil replied, giving her a smile and a wave.

“How was your night?” Daniel asked as they began walking down the street. “Did you sleep well?”

“I did,” Phil said, deciding not to go into detail about the Winder’s sex lives. He was sure they didn’t actually intend for him to hear anything. They were both mostly deaf, so they had no idea just how loud they were being. “Thank you.”

“Mhm.”

“Where are we headed?” Phil asked, holding his notebook close to his chest. He made a mental note to bring his satchel next time.

“We’ll be going to the Thompson’s first. They’re a middle aged couple, been here nineteen years. They have six children and another on the way.”

“Wow. That- That’s a lot.”

“Not for here it isn’t,” Daniel replied, glancing over at Phil. “Do you have siblings?”

“A brother. His name is Martyn. Do you?”

Daniel shook his head. “Mum got sick after she had me. Couldn’t have anymore.”

“Oh. I’m sorry,” Phil said, unsure if he even should be apologizing.

“It’s okay,” Daniel assured him. “It was God’s decision.”

Phil nodded. “Right.”

 

“Thank you for speaking with me Mr. and Mrs. Thompson,” Phil began as he and Daniel sat down on their couch. Their introduction had been brief, and Phil couldn’t help but notice the tight smiles they gave him when he entered their home.

“Just as the Lord welcomes everyone into his arms, we welcome all into our home,” Mr. Thompson replied.

God, Phil felt awkward. “That’s very kind of you,” he said, opening up his notebook. “Now I just have a few questions. If you don’t mind, I’d like to get right into it?”

Mrs. Thompson nodded. “Of course.”

“First, what are your full names, please?”

“I’m Frank Thompson.”

“My name is Emily.”

“Thompson as well?” Phil asked.

“Yes, of course.”

“Alright. Well, could you begin by telling me what brought you to God’s Guard?”

Frank cleared his throat. “Emily and I came here to connect with God and ourselves. We had heard of all the things Joshua was capable of doing through God, and we wanted to have that.”

“Excuse my bluntness, but was it necessary to live here to be closer to God? Couldn’t that be accomplished anywhere?”

“The outside world was not kind to us,” Emily spoke up. “Our relationship was not what it should have been. It wasn’t until we came here and received counseling from Joshua that we realized what we were doing wrong. This place saved us.”

“Do you ever leave here?”

“Why would we do that?” Frank asked. His tone was harsh, and his glare was harsher.

“B- Because you used to live out there. I’m sure you had friends and family outside of God’s Guard. Don’t you miss them?”

“Mr. Lester-”

“Phil.”

_ “Phil,”  _ Emily said, a bite in her voice. “The people we need in our lives are all within this land. We do not need, nor do we wish, to ever leave it.”

“Of course,” Phil replied, giving her a smile that she didn’t return.

 

Phil let out a breath as he left the Thompson house. It felt like the first breath he had taken since he stepped into their home twenty minutes ago. 

The ability to breathe didn’t last too long, however, as they walked up to the house next door.

“This is Betty and Harry Falco,” Daniel said before knocking on the door.

A few seconds later, an old man came to the door. He had to have been nearly eighty years old.

Phil wondered if he also had extraordinarily loud sex with his wife at night.

“Daniel, hello,” he greeted, speaking at a normal tone. Phil was thankful he probably wouldn’t have to yell here. Harry moved out of the way and let Daniel and Phil come inside. 

“Hello, Mr. Falco. This is Philip Lester, the reporter.”

“Phil,” he said, holding out his hand. 

Harry looked him up and down before returning the shake. “Yes. Welcome,” he said, not sounding all that welcoming. 

He walked around them and led them into the living room. “Sit, sit,” he said, motioning toward the couch.

Both Daniel and Phil sat down on the couch as Harry settled into a chair across from them. “Betty’s feeling a bit ill today, so she won’t be joining us.”

“Oh, I’m sorry about that,” Daniel replied. “Give her our best.”

“I’ll do that,” he said, giving Daniel a smile. Then he turned to Phil, his smile dropping. “And what would you like to know?”

“Mr. Falco, I’d first like to know what brought you to God’s Guard, and how long you’ve been here.”

“I’ve been here since 1982, the year this place first started,” he replied, glancing out his window. “Watched it get built up.”

“And what brought you here?”

“I wanted to be with likeminded people who loved and cared about God the same way I do.”

Phil opened his notebook and began to write. “Do you and your wife have any children?”

“We had ten total. Not children anymore though.”

“Do they live here as well?”

“Our children were already grown when we moved in here. We had one join us for a bit, but she didn’t remain.”

“Why’s that?” Phil asked.

“I suppose that’s something you’d have to ask her,” he replied, giving Phil a blank stare. “If you can find her while she's whoring herself out on the street somewhere, that is.”

“Oh,” Phil said, taken aback by Harry’s words. He had never heard someone talk about their child that way before. “Um, let’s… let’s move on.”

 

It was barely ten o’clock when Daniel and Phil left the Falco’s, and Phil could already feel a headache coming on. He desperately wanted to go back to Jeb and Kay’s, take some ibuprofen, and then leave this place and never return.

He couldn’t do that though. He had a job to do, and he had to get through it.

Besides, he had only been to two homes. There was no way things could get worse.

“Katy, how are you?” Daniel said as they walked up to another house. A woman who looked about the same age as Phil was outside tending to her garden. 

She smiled at Daniel, wiping sweat from her forehead. “Hey, Daniel. I’m doing just fine.” She glanced over at Phil. “You brought the reporter?”

“Yes. I told Dec we’d be coming over to talk today. This is Philip Lester.”

“Mm,” she hummed, staring at Phil.

“Just Phil is fine,” he replied, holding out his hand for her to shake.

She shook it gently, barely placing her hand in his. “Dec would probably rather you speak with him only. Good seeing you, Daniel.”

“You too.”

 

Things got worse. Dec barely spoke at all. The only thing he revealed was that both he and Katy were raised here, and got married out of high school. They graduated with Daniel, and had been together for eight years. 

Dec made sure to mention that even though they were still childless, it wasn’t for a lack of trying. They know God wants them to have children, and they weren’t going to stop trying. Katy would fulfill her duty one day, hopefully.

By the time they left their house, Phil’s headache had gone from a slight irritation to an unavoidable throbbing.

“We’ll be going to the Devon’s next. It’s just up here,” Daniel said, pointing to a nearby house.

Phil tapped Daniel’s arm to stop him from walking. “Can we… Can we not do another interview right now?” he asked.

“Oh, um, sure. Is something wrong?”

“No, I- I just need a little break is all.”

Daniel nodded. “Alright. Is there anywhere you’d like to go?”

“Wherever you like is fine.”

 

Daniel led Phil back through the land and up a hill, stopping when they reached the tree. It stood in the center of the hill, giving a perfect view of the entire community. 

“This is where I always like to come and sit,” Daniel said, sitting down and leaning his back against the tree.

Phil looked all around, taking in the view. “It’s beautiful,” he said, sitting down beside Daniel. He placed his notebook on his lap and opened it, scanning over the notes. 

“What did you get so far?” Daniel asked. 

“Not much, honestly,” Phil replied. “It would be a lot easier if everyone stopped treating me like I had the plague.”

“Oh, if you had the plague they’d be standing back at a much greater distance.”

Phil looked over at Daniel. “Was that another joke?” He asked, smiling. “First the printer one yesterday and now this today?”

Daniel smiled over at him. “Joking  _ is  _ something I’m capable of, yes. We all are, actually.”

“Well, I didn’t know that. Everyone’s been so serious today I thought I might be spending two weeks working on getting rid of my laughter lines.”

Daniel looked out over the land, squinting his eyes when the sun came out from behind a cloud. “They’re just worried,” he explained. “They don’t want to be thought of as bad people.”

“I’m not here to do that though,” Phil replied. He moved around slightly so he could better face Daniel. “I want to get their stories and learn about God’s Guard first hand so I can share that with the rest of the world. They have nothing to worry about if nothing bad is happening. I’m not going to make stuff up.”

Daniel looked at Phil for a moment before pointing to something behind him. “See that little path back there? The one in between the trees.”

Phil looked behind him. It took him a few seconds to spot it, but once he did he turned back to Daniel. “Yeah.”

“That’s a side entrance to God’s Guard. It’s mainly used to ride the horses through the trees, but it goes all the way out to the main road. I was seven years old the first time the police came through that side entrance. There was no warning. I was playing with some other kids up on this hill and we heard screaming. Looked over and it looked like an endless line of men and women coming in with weapons.”

Daniel took a deep breath, staring past Phil and at that entrance. “They raided the entire place. I tried running home, but I was scared I was going to get caught and be taken away so I hid behind trees until I saw a familiar face. It was Kay Winder, actually. She held my hand and took me back to my house. Police stayed for three days before they finally left.”

“That sounds terrifying,” Phil replied, trying to imagine what that must be like for a child.

“It is, for all of us.”

_ “Is?” _

Daniel nodded. “The next time it happened, I was nine. Then I was twelve, seventeen, nineteen, and twenty-three. It’ll happen again one day, I’m sure.” He looked at Phil. “That’s why outsiders are scary, Philip. They often say they’ll do one thing, and then they do another. That’s the mindset people have here.”

“Why do _you_ trust me then?” Phil asked.

Daniel shrugged. “I have no reason not to so far. I prefer to learn a person before I judge them. Even the police were simply doing their job.”

 

Phil’s head stopped hurting after a few minutes of sitting and talking with Daniel, so they got up and headed back to the Devon’s to speak with them.

Faith and Cory Devon were two of the only people to regularly leave God’s Guard. 

They were recruiters, basically, although they didn’t really like to be called that, which Phil found out right away.

“Recruiters often lie about what you get when you join an organization. We don’t do that,” Cory said. “We hand out flyers and deliver information about God’s Guard, and what people choose to do with that is up to them.”

It sounded a lot like recruitment to Phil, but he wasn’t going to say that.

“Why is it that you two are the only people to leave God’s Guard, besides Joshua and Gerald?”

“No one is forced to stay here,” Faith replied quickly.

“I didn’t say they were,” Phil said. “I’m wondering why no one else ever does leave.”

“We don’t leave because we want to,” Cory said. “We leave because it’s the right thing to do. To go out and tell others that they can live like we do. Everyone should know they could be as fortunate as us.”

“And how many people have you brought into the church this way?”

“We’ve been doing this for about ten years?” Faith said, looking over at Cory for a confirming nod. “And we’ve brought in about twelve people total.”

“And all twelve people are still here?”

Cory sighed. “No,” he answered. “Some people took this place for granted and they left. Six remain.”

 

“I think I’m asking the wrong questions,” Phil said as he and Daniel left the Devon’s. 

“I don’t think it would matter what questions you ask, to be honest, Philip,” Daniel replied. 

“I really don’t get it,” Phil said, placing his notebook under his arm and putting his pen in his pocket. “I thought you all wanted me here. Maybe not everyone, but the majority. I thought you wanted the truth put out into the world so people would stop spreading lies.”

“Joshua told us a week before your arrival that you were coming,” Daniel explained. “He prayed about it and made that decision. Everyone trusts him, but it doesn’t mean they trust you. Not yet anyway.”

“You know, I get that trust takes time to build,” Phil replied, “but I only have two weeks here. How am I supposed to build trust enough to get people to put their guard down when I only have two weeks?”

Daniel shrugged. “Well, you’ll have a chance to clear the air with the entire congregation tomorrow night at Wednesday services.”

Phil stopped in his tracks. “What’s that now?”

Daniel stopped when he noticed Phil was no longer walking, then backtracked until he was beside him again. “You’ll be giving a speech tomorrow night at church. That should help with many of our members.”

“I- I… I’m not a big fan of public speaking,” Phil replied. He was sweating now. Properly sweating, with a bead dripping down his face.

“You’re a journalist,” Daniel replied.

“Yeah, I know, but that’s usually small interviews, not speeches in front of hundreds of people who don’t like me.”

Daniel reached up and patted him on the back, giving him a sympathetic smile. “You’ll be fine. It’s not like they’ll eat you or anything, Philip.”

Phil rolled his eyes, letting out a slow, deep breath. “You can call me Phil, you know,” he said once he had regained his composure. 

Daniel smiled at him before he began walking again. “I know.”

 

On his way home the previous night, Daniel had been stopped by Jessica’s parents and asked to join them for dinner. His hopes to wait until an official announcement was made- or forgotten about- was over, as it would have been horrifically rude to decline the offer. The one thing Daniel wanted less than having to sit and eat with Jessica and her parents was sitting and talking to Joshua about why he said no.

So, Daniel got dressed in his Sunday best and made his way to their house.

“Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Levi,” he greeted with a smile when they both came to the door.

“Hello, Daniel!” Mrs. Levi said, wrapping him up in a hug.

“Daniel,” Mr. Levi replied with a nod.

“Please, call us Lily and Patrick.”

They moved to the side and Daniel stepped in, moving out of the way so they could close the door back.

Jessica was standing in the doorway leading to the living room, her hands placed behind her back. 

She was smiling brightly, and Daniel couldn’t help but noticed how less forced her smile seemed compared to his. 

She wore a dress that reached her ankles, clearly handmade by her or her mother. It was a flowery print, small tea roses all over.

Her brown hair fell past her shoulders, with half of it pulled back so it kept out of her face.

“Hello, Daniel,” she said, her voice as gentle as her smile.

She looked so young.

“Hi, Jessica.”

“I’m happy you could be here tonight.”

“Me too,” he lied.

“Why don’t you two go sit in the living room for a bit,” Lily suggested. “You can get to know each other while I finish dinner and Patrick gets washed up.”

“Yes, Ma’am,” Daniel said, a fresh wave of nausea washing over him at the fact his night was just beginning.

 

“I’m thankful the Martin’s were able to watch the rest of the children tonight,” Lily said during dinner. It had been a slightly awkward few minutes so far, at least for Daniel, as they sat around the table and asked him questions.

Although, sitting in the living room and hearing about Jessica’s favorite school subjects was possibly worse.

Either way, he was thankful the conversation was off of him for the moment.

“Yes,” Patrick agreed, “this dinner would be far louder with ten extra children running and crawling around.”

Jessica smiled. “I love it though,” she said, glancing across the table at Daniel. “I can’t wait until I have a house filled with children of our own.”

“It’s a true blessing,” Lily agreed. “When your father I got married, we were blessed with you nearly right away. Hopefully you will be just as blessed.”

Daniel gagged down a bite of food, shoving another bite into his mouth right away so he wouldn’t have to add to the conversation.

“Your mother and I have continued to be blessed almost every year since having you. It’s probably near time for another announcement.”

Jessica looked over at Lily with wide eyes. 

“Not as of right now,” she informed her.

“Oh… Well, I think it will be wonderful. Daniel will work in media during the day, and I’ll be a homemaker. I’ll watch the children and make sure the house is clean, just like you, Mama. Doesn’t that sound wonderful, Daniel?”

Daniel looked over at her. Her eyes were so bright, cheerful. She looked genuinely excited for their future.

_ Their  _ future.

It was getting a bit harder to breathe.

“Yes,” he answered. “Wonderful.”

He managed to last another couple of minutes at the table after that, but the ability to breathe was becoming worse and worse and, at some point, he wouldn’t be able to ignore it anymore.

“May I please use your restroom?” He asked as everyone finished up their dinner.

“Of course,” Lily replied. “Through the living room, down the hall, and to the left.”

Daniel got up and quickly walked away, hoping no one thought anything of his abrupt exit. 

He shut the door and leaned against it, closing his eyes as he struggled to breathe. 

He felt like he was spinning. Even with his eyes closed, the world was still moving around him and he was struggling to stay upright.

He opened his eyes again and moved toward the bathroom sink, gripping onto the counter and forcing himself to take in a deep breath.

The first few breaths were shaky, and he felt like he was losing more air than he was taking in but, eventually, they evened out.

He was sweating now, a thin layer visible on his forehead. 

He just wanted to go home and sleep.

He couldn't do that though. Not yet. He had to finish this dinner, and eat dessert, and talk about his and Jessica’s future, because that’s what he was expected to do.

He flushed the toilet to avoid suspicion and turned on the sink. He wet his hands and brought them to his face, wiping away the sweat and trying to get rid of the darkness around his eyes.

He dried his face off with a towel, then took another deep breath before opening the door and heading back into his reality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so glad you guys are liking the story :) I feel like a broken record when I say that, but it honestly just makes me so happy. I've already outlined through chapter 16 for this fic, so I hope you guys are ready to continue this ride with me. Thank you all!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	5. Proverbs 16:24

_ Gracious words are a honeycomb, _

_ Sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. _

_ Proverbs 16:24 _

 

It turned out that Jeb and Kay having sex right before bed wasn’t a one time thing. Phil wondered if it was something that was going to happen every night, or if maybe they’d at least take a break on the weekends.

After another painfully awkward breakfast, Daniel came to pick Phil up. 

“Are you ready for another full day of interviews?” Daniel asked as Phil placed his satchel over his shoulder.

Phil glanced at him and sighed. “I suppose so.”

Daniel laughed. “I’m joking, Philip. I just had to see all the life drain from your eyes.”

Phil glared at him, although the smile on his face gave away how he really felt. “You’re cruel, Dan. Cruel.”

Daniel paused for a moment and gave Phil a curious look. “My name’s Daniel,” he said.

“And my name’s Phil,” he replied, not missing a beat. “So, where are we going today,  _ Dan?” _

Dan looked straight ahead, hoping Phil didn’t notice the blush rising on his cheeks. “I was going to show you the town. I know we’ve already walked around, but I was going to take you inside the buildings this time. Is that alright?”

Phil nodded. “That sounds great.”

 

They went into the mercantile first. It was a two story building that looked like something directly out of Little House on the Prairie. 

“I used to come in here all the time when I was little,” Dan began, walking up to the front counter. “I always wanted the boiled sweets. Mum would let me get two, but sometimes I’d sneak a third.” He opened a candy jar and took out two pieces of candy, handing one to Phil. “Jenny Franks makes them. They’re really good.”

“Where do you pay?” Phil asked, looking around for anyone who might be running the store. 

“You don’t,” Dan replied. “You take what you need and leave what you don’t. We don’t need money here.”

“That’s a nice system,” Phil said, sticking his piece of candy in his satchel for later. “What happens when the thing you need isn’t here?”

“You ask a neighbor.”

He walked around the store, stopping when they reached a wall of cloth. “When I was young,” Dan began, reaching out and touching one of the flowery fabrics, “mum used to come get cloth and she’d make me clothes. I’d get two new shirts each year for Christmas, and new trousers on my birthday.”

“My mum would have absolutely no idea how to make me clothes,” Phil said, smiling at the thought. “A shirt would end up having three sleeves and no hole for the head.”

Dan laughed loudly then, his face scrunching up tight. 

Besides being slightly surprised by Dan’s loud laugh, the only thing Phil could think about was how adorable his face was when he was happy.

He quickly looked away from Dan, scolding himself for such an unprofessional thought.

A couple of women walked into the mercantile, pausing briefly when they saw Phil standing there.

“Hello,” Phil greeted with a smile and a nod.

“Hello,” one of the ladies replied. The other remained silent. 

Dan turned to see who was there. “Hello, Mrs. Daniels and Mrs. Todd.”

They both smiled at Dan, telling him hello.

As Dan and Phil continued walking around the store, Phil could sense both women staring at him wherever he went.

“Why don’t we go to the library?” Dan suggested suddenly. Apparently, he could sense the awkward tension in the room as well.

“That sounds great.”

“Let’s go.”

“It’s a cute shop,” Phil said as they left the mercantile. “I’d like to go back one day and see some more of the canned foods they have in there.”

“We can do that,” Dan replied. “You know…” His voice trailed off, as though he wasn’t sure if he should say what he was about to say.

“What?” Phil asked.

“No, it’s nothing.”

“Obviously it’s not. Tell me.”

“Philip-”

“Dan, you have no idea how annoying I can be if I know information is being withheld. Tell me.”

Dan rolled his eyes and sighed. “Part of the reason they look at you like that is because of how you’re dressed,” he said.

Phil looked down at his clothes. He was wearing black, skinny jeans, and a red and black plaid shirt. “What’s wrong with my clothes?” He asked, pouting slightly.

“Nothing,” Dan said quickly. “I mean, it’s fine, it’s just… Well, men don’t wear trousers that tight here,” he explained, clearing his throat. “And the shirt is a bit bright.”

“Oh…”

“It’s not bad,” Dan assured him. “You’re not going to get kicked out or anything. It’s just different, that’s all. It’s part of why they stare.”

“I don’t… I mean, I don’t really have any other types of clothes. Should I try and find something different for church tonight? Are there any clothes in the mercantile?”

“You’re tall,” Dan said, looking over at him. “There’s probably nothing made for your size. You could borrow something of mine though. Really, don’t worry about it. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“No,” Phil assured him, “I’m glad you did. If I’m going to try and gain trust, that’s a good way to do it. At least for tonight, if you don’t mind, I would like to borrow something.”

Dan nodded. “Of course.” He turned then and pointed to a small building. “This is the library.”

 

The library wasn’t very large. There were three aisles of books to the left, and two tables across from the aisles. Four chairs were placed at each table, but only one chair was occupied at the moment. A young boy, no older than twelve, was reading his Bible. He looked up when he heard Dan and Phil walk in, then packed up his things and left without a word.

“He’s like that with everybody,” Dan said before Phil had a chance to mention it. “He just likes to be alone.”

Phil nodded, then began to look around. “Lots of Bibles,” he said as he walked down the first aisle.

“Yes, we have over 100 of them. Everyone here owns a Bible, but it’s always good to have extras.”

Phil pulled a worn Bible out from the shelf and looked at it. There was a name imprinted on the front of it. “Who is Warren Harding?”

“I believe he was a president in the United States,” Dan replied with a smile.

Phil rolled his eyes, but smiled back at him. “I highly doubt that’s who this Bible belonged to.”

Dan shrugged, leaning against the shelf and crossing his arms. “I don’t know who he is. Some of these Bibles were donated back when God’s Guard was established.”

“Oh.” Phil put the Bible away and continued walking around. Besides the Bible, there were mainly school books, all of which appeared to be from Christian publishers. 

There was also an entire section of books written by Joshua. 

“Joshua is a writer?” Phil asked, pointing to the books. 

Dan nodded. “He writes a lot. Prints something new at least once a year.”

“Are they published outside of God’s Guard?”

“No. It’s only for us to read here.”

On the bottom of the shelf, there were a few books written by another man named Jack Lincoln. “Who is Jack?” Phil asked, noting that the books looked similar to Joshua’s.

“He started God’s Guard in 1982. This was all his property back then. Joshua took over a year later, after Jack left to do good for God elsewhere.”

“You never met him then?”

“No. Joshua keeps his books for us, so we can know more about the man who started all of this, but he’s never come back since he left.”

“I might have to come back later and pick up a few,” Phil said, glancing over at Dan. “So I can learn more about this place from the people who led it.”

“That’s a good idea,” Dan agreed. “Would you like to go to the church now?”

Phil nodded. “Sure.”

 

“The doors are always unlocked,” Dan said, walking up the steps and opening the church door. “People like to come here to pray sometimes, but there probably won’t be anyone in here right now.”

Sure enough, the place was empty.

The church was large, with row after row of pews. There was definitely enough space to fit around four hundred people, possibly more if everyone sat close together. 

“It’s pretty in here,” Phil said, ignoring the chills that ran down his spine. “Very clean.”

“We always make sure to keep it as nice as possible. Have to, really, with how many people come here.”

“I’m sure.” 

“I’ll have to come back a little later today and make sure the hymnals are in order. I hope you don’t mind going back to the Winder’s earlier than yesterday.”

“I don’t mind,” Phil said. “Although, I could help if you’d like? We could get it done now.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course,” Phil replied. “I’m here to be immersed in the world you live in, so this is part of it.”

“Okay, then,” Dan replied, heading to the first pew. “You can start on the pew behind me. I’ll do odd, you do even.”

“Alright. Now, what exactly am I doing?”

Dan picked up a hymnal. “Each one has a bookmark in it. Place it on page 343, then put it back in its holder in the pew in front of it. The only one that will be different is the first row, because there is no pew in front of it, but I’m doing that one so it doesn’t matter. Make sure each hymnal is about three steps away from each other, and there should be no more than eight hymnals per pew.”

Phil gave Dan a thumbs up. “I think I got it.”

“Okay.”

 

They worked in silence for a few minutes, until Dan was on the fifth pew and Phil on the sixth. 

“Where did you grow up?” Dan asked.

The question surprised Phil, who had gotten used to the comfortable silence between them. “Um, up north,” he replied. “Outside of Manchester.”

“I’ve never been there. Is it nice?”

“I always liked it.”

“Did you go to university?”

Phil nodded. “Yeah. I went to University of York.”

“What did you study?”

”English language and linguistics. After that I got my Master’s in post production and visual effects.”

“Was it fun?”

“I enjoyed it,” Phil replied. He moved to the next pew, wondering why Dan was asking so many questions. Curiosity, he supposed. After all, that was the reason he was there and asking questions himself. “I actually met my friend and work partner, Will, while I was there. We both wanted to start our own website one day. He loved politics, I loved movies and entertainment, so a news site seemed like a good mix.”

“Coming here seems slightly different from movies and entertainment,” Dan said.

Phil laughed. “Yeah, that’s true. I actually got my masters in post production so I could edit videos for the website one day. We’re still so new that we don’t do much of that yet though.”

“You started the website right after you graduated then?”

“No. We both worked odd jobs for a bit, until we had raised up enough to give this a go. It’s working out so far, thankfully. We only have a few employees, most of which are retired journalists who just want something to do, but it works.”

“It sounds interesting,” Dan said, shooting Phil a smile. He moved to the next pew, grabbing up the hymnals and sitting down to get the bookmarks in place. “Where do you live now?”

“London. It’s expensive, but it was the best place for me and Will to get started.”

“I’ve never been to London either,” Dan said. “We lived less than an hour away from there when I was young, but we never had the chance to go. Is it nice?”

“It’s pretty,” Phil replied. “Some parts smell, and it’s pretty crowded, but I like big cities so I don’t mind.”

“Are you married?”

Phil couldn’t help but let out a laugh. “You’d be a good journalist, Dan. You’re able to get answers out of me much better than I’m able to anyone here.”

He looked over, noticing a slight blush on Dan’s cheeks. “Sorry,” he said, getting back up to place the hymnals in their correct spots. “I didn’t mean to be invasive.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Phil replied. “I don’t mind questions. The answer, by the way, is no. I’m not married.”

“Do you want to be married?”

Phil shrugged. “Someday, I suppose. Never been close to that though.”

“I’m sure the right woman is out there for you.”

Phil glanced over at Dan, smiling slightly. “That I’m not so sure about.”

Dan paused for a moment, but quickly moved on to the next pew. He wasn’t sure what Phil meant by that, but he didn’t particularly care to find out either.

“Do you drive?” Dan asked to change the subject.

“No. I mean, I can, but I don’t.”

“No one here drives. Cars aren’t allowed on the property.”

“I noticed the lack of vehicles,” Phil replied. “Wasn’t sure the reason.”

Dan shrugged. “Just no point in having them, I guess. When anyone goes off property, they get a car once they leave.”

“I suppose they’re not really needed in such a small community,” Phil agreed. “You’re not missing out on much. I hate driving.”

Dan nodded. “Do you cook at home, since you don’t have a wife?”

“I do,” Phil replied. “I enjoy cooking, sometimes. I order out a couple of times a week though.”

“You do?” Dan asked, looking over at him with wide eyes.

Phil laughed. “Yes, I do.”

“What do you order out?”

“Chinese, pizza, burgers, Thai... anything really. I’m not picky.”

“I haven’t had food that wasn’t homemade since I was six,” Dan said. 

“That’s probably a good thing,” Phil said. “Healthier, I mean.”

“Yeah,” Dan replied, biting at his bottom lip. “I suppose so.”

 

After finishing the hymnals, Dan and Phil headed back to the Winder’s. Dan went home and got Phil some clothes, then Phil changed and got ready to address the congregation.

As he walked into the church with the Winder’s, he could sense all eyes on him. People would stare, and then whisper, and then stare some more. He had never felt so uncomfortable in his life.

He went to sit down beside Kay when she directed him up to the front pew. He’d be sitting up there tonight, since he was a special guest.

Dan came and sat beside him after a few minutes, and they spoke briefly, until Gerald stood behind the podium and silenced the crowd.

Once everyone had quieted down, Joshua came out. Everyone stood up except for Phil, who looked around and wondered what was going on.

It took Dan nudging his arm for him to realize he needed to stand as well.

After everyone sat down and Joshua spoke for a couple of minutes, he introduced Phil. 

Phil took a deep breath before standing up and walking onto the stage. Joshua handed him a microphone, then sat down beside Gerald.

“Hello,” Phil began, his microphone making a loud noise. He cringed, as did some people in the audience. He moved the microphone away from him, untwisted the cord, and brought it back up to his mouth. “Sorry about that. Um, my name is Phil Lester, as I’m sure many of you already know. I’m a journalist for Citizen Press, which is a website that delivers news to people around the world.”

He looked around and took note of all the people, many of which were glaring at him. There were quite a few very large men, with their arms crossed, staring at him with an intensity that Phil had never seen before. He glanced at Dan, who gave him a little thumbs up, then continued.

“Um, I know many of you are nervous about the fact that I am here. I know the outside world hasn’t been kind to you, and you have no reason to trust me. However, I come here with the best intentions. I want to get to know you all for who you really are, and I plan on writing that truth in my article. So far, you all have been nothing but lovely and gracious,” he lied, “and you have no reason to be concerned.”

He switched his microphone from one hand to the other, his palms feeling sweaty. “You all have beautiful homes, and live on gorgeous property, and I have nothing but positive things to say about this place so far. Thank you all for welcoming me here, and thank you Mr. and Mrs. Winder for allowing me to stay in your home.”

With that finished, he turned and handed the microphone back to Joshua, who smiled and shook his hand before letting him go back down to his seat.

 

Phil stayed by Dan throughout the service. He had absolutely no idea what the actual service was about. He could still sense eyes on him from every direction, causing him mild discomfort and an inability to pay attention. It wasn’t until Joshua called Dan’s name for him to come on stage that Phil focused his attention to what was going on.

“I’d also like to call Jessica Levi up here, please,” Joshua said, smiling at someone in the audience. 

Phil turned to see a young girl hurrying to stand and make her way to the stage. She was smiling brightly when she got up there, putting herself right beside Dan. Dan was smiling too, but he wasn’t showing his teeth like she was, and his smile didn’t reach his eyes like hers did.

“In the name of our Heavenly Father, I’d like to announce the marriage of Daniel Howell and Jessica Levi.”

Phil’s eyes widened, looking around to see if anyone else was as shocked as he was. It appeared no one was.

This girl didn’t look old enough to be getting married! Not only that, but Dan had never even mentioned the fact he was engaged! It seemed like something that would have come up.

“The Lord came to me a few weeks back and told me that this was meant to be,” Joshua continued. “I know these two will be very happy together. The wedding is only two months away, so everyone should be looking forward to that. Thank you two,” he said, placing a hand on both of their backs. “You may return to your seats.”

Dan walked back to Phil and sat down, returning his Bible to his lap and staring straight ahead.

“You’re getting married?” Phil whispered.

“Shh,” Dan replied, not even glancing at him.

“Dan-”

“Shh,” he interrupted with a glare.

Phil sighed, but leaned back in his seat and looked toward the stage. He may not be able to get any answers now, but he would after church was over.

 

After church, the Winder’s went to talk with some friends, leaving Dan in charge of taking Phil back home.

“Dan, I-”

“Philip, these are my parents,” Dan said, interrupting Phil as he walked up to him.

“Oh… Oh, hello, Mr. and Mrs. Howell,” he said, shaking their hands.

“Hello,” they both answered with a smile. 

“Your speech was wonderful,” Julia said. “Daniel had already told us you were a good person, but I think this helped others start to believe it as well.”

Phil smiled. “Thank you. That’s good to hear.”

“Yes, well, Daniel, we are going to head back home. See you soon.”

“Okay.”

Once Julia and Robert had walked off, Phil looked over at Dan. “You’re getting married?” He asked.

“Yes, I am,” Dan replied as they began walking to Jeb and Kay’s.

“Who is the woman you’re marrying?”

“Her name is Jessica.”

“How long have you two been dating?”

Dan sighed. “Philip-”

“I mean, Joshua said that God came to him and told him it was meant to be, but you two were already together, right?”

“No,” Dan answered simply.

“Wait, what?”

“I hadn’t spoken to her much before finding out.”

“Finding out?” Phil repeated. “What’s that mean?”

“It means that Joshua told me I’d be marrying her. It’s God’s will.”

“An arranged marriage?” Phil asked. “Is that even legal?”

“It’s not arranged,” Dan said quickly, defensively. 

“So you both had a choice?”

“I could have voiced my concerns.”

“That doesn’t make it sound like you had a choice.”

Dan could feel his patience wearing thin. He clenched his fists tight, his fingernails digging into his palms. “Philip, it’s God’s will. That’s what matters.”

“Doesn’t  _ your  _ will matter at all?”

“You’re making it sound like I’m being held hostage or something. This is normal practice here, and no one has ever gotten divorced. Many of the couples are very happy together.”

“Well, how old is she? She looks like a child.”

“She’ll be of legal age when we get married.”

“When you… Dan, she’s not legal?!”

“Philip,” Dan said, stopping in his tracks, “you’re starting to overstep. You’ve been here a couple of days, that’s it. Don’t pretend like you know me, or this place. If it wasn’t meant to be, it wouldn’t be.”

Phil took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “Fine,” he said. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“Can I just ask one more thing?” Phil asked, staring into Dan’s eyes.

Dan wished he’d stop doing that.

“You were right earlier when you said you can get annoying over information,” Dan replied, crossing his arms over his chest. “What?”

“Doyou really  want to get married?”

Dan looked away from Phil for a brief moment before staring back at him. He gave him a small smile, and Phil couldn't help but notice how sad it looked. “Goodnight, Philip,” he said before turning and beginning to walk away.

Phil hadn’t even noticed they had reached the Winder’s house. 

“Goodnight, Dan,” Phil replied, watching Dan leave. His heart felt heavy in a way it had never felt before. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading and commenting on this fic! 
> 
> I want to add a little reminder that you can always come to my tumblr and ask for more details on the tags, or any potential triggers that may come up for you while reading this. I don't want to spoil the entire story within the tags, but I'm always willing to go into more details in private if you need them.
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	6. Matthew 6:34

_ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow,  _

_ for tomorrow will worry about itself. _

_ Each day is enough trouble of its own. _

_ Matthew 6:34 _

 

“Good morning, Philip,” Dan greeted as Phil walked out of the Winder’s house.

“Good morning,” Phil replied. “How was your night?”

“Fine, thank you. Do you have everything you need for an interview?”

“I do, thank you.”

They began walking down the road in silence, and Phil wondered if it felt as awkward for Dan as it did for him.

He tried to keep his mouth shut, because he knew he should, but he had no idea how far away this house was and he couldn’t stay quiet for the entire walk.

“So, about yesterday-”

“Don’t,” Dan interrupted quickly, not even bothering to look over at Phil. “Just, don’t.”

“I’m here to ask questions, Dan, and if I can’t do that then what’s the point?”

“You are free to ask whatever questions you want, unless someone asks you to move on from the subject. You’re supposed to respect that, aren’t you?”

Phil sighed. “Yes.”

“Then, respect it. Please.”

Phil looked down at his feet, kicking the dirt road with his shoe. “Okay.”

“Okay.”

 

They arrived at Evan and Tamara Tolly’s house five minutes later. Evan greeted Phil with a handshake so strong Phil wondered if his hand would ever fully recover. In contrast, Tamara’s handshake was so gentle that Phil had barely even felt it.

Anytime Phil directed questions at Tamara, Evan was the one to answer. Even on the rare occasion that Tamara would get to answer, Evan would interrupt or “clarify” her answer. 

He sent her out of the room three different times to get refills on drinks, even though he was the only one who needed a refill. 

He also said the house was a mess after she mentioned spending a few hours the night before cleaning everything.

Phil made sure to tell her it looked spotless and beautiful, even if Evan scoffed when he did so.

“Was that normal?” Phil asked once he and Dan left the house. On his first day, Phil wouldn’t have asked that question. Hell, he wouldn’t have asked that question yesterday. But, today was a new day and he was slightly more pissed off than he had been before. However, that could also be because he just spent the third night in a row listening to Jeb and Kay have very loud sex.

“Was what normal?” 

“Evan acting the way he did with Tamara. He was bossier than anyone I’ve spoken to so far.”

“Men run the households here,” Dan replied. “If he’s bossy, it’s viewed as his right. No one questions it.”

Phil shook his head. “My mum wouldn’t last a day here,” he said, placing his notebook back in his satchel.

“What would she do?” Dan asked.

“Well, she never would have refilled his drink three different times,” he replied. “She probably would have called him lazy and told him to get up and get the drink himself. And if that’s the way he acts all the time, then I could see her super gluing his bum to the toilet.”

Dan snorted, causing Phil to look over at him in surprise. He held a hand over his mouth, trying to contain the laughter. 

“Did I get a laugh out of you?” Phil teased, nudging Dan’s arm with his own. “I thought I’d have serious Dan from here on out.”

“You can’t give me that image and expect me not to laugh,” Dan replied. “It’s not fair.”

“Mhm. You can admit that you actually _do_ like my company,” Phil said. “I won’t be offended by it.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Don’t flatter yourself, Philip.”

“It’s too late,” Phil said, holding up his hands, “I’m already flattered.”

“It took you far too short a time to become comfortable around me,” Dan said as he and Phil headed into town. “Especially when you’re awkward with everyone else.”

“Hey!” Phil exclaimed, pouting slightly. “I’m with you during every moment I spend outside of the Winder’s house. I’m with those other people for an hour or less while they wait for me to whip out a wand and cast a spell on them or something.”

“Again, flattering yourself by overestimating your power. They’re only waiting for a giant hole to open up under you causing everyone in the nearby area to fall inside.”

“Oh, is that it?”

Dan nodded. “Yes, that’s it.”

“Well, okay then… So, where are we going now?”

“I figured we’d get some food from the mercantile and go eat at the tree. Unless you’re not hungry.”

“One thing you should know about me, Dan,” Phil said, adjusting his satchel on his shoulder, “is that I’m always hungry.”

 

After going to the mercantile and getting crackers, jam, cheese, apples, pickled beets, grape juice, and apple juice, they headed to the tree. 

“I hadn’t noticed the fridge in there the other day,” Phil said as they sat down. “It’s nice they keep it loaded with drinks and other things.”

“It’s hard to keep it filled up when it gets really hot out, but that’s when Mrs. Victoria makes lemonade almost non-stop, so that’s always there.”

“That sounds good.”

“It is.”

They set everything out on the ground between them. Phil placed his satchel down beside him and Dan handed him a napkin and a fork.

“The fact you keep reusable napkins and silverware in the mercantile instead of paper and plastic shouldn’t surprise me as much as it does,” Phil said, opening up the packet of crackers and putting some jam on one.

“No need to have that much garbage everywhere,” Dan replied. “We only get garbage pickup once a month, and we have to take it all to the entrance, so it’s easier to have less.”

Phil nodded. “You guys think of everything.”

Dan shrugged. “Kinda have to.”

They became quiet for a couple of minutes, enjoying the breeze on the warm but cloudy day. Phil enjoyed eating the crackers, jam, some apple slices, and grape juice, while Dan took bites of everything they had brought.

“So,” Phil said, wiping his hands off on his napkin, “are you going to be a husband like Evan?”

Dan let out a deep breath, setting the cracker in his hand down and glaring over at Phil. “Philip-”

“I’m not asking anything about you  _ getting  _ married. I’m asking what you’ll be like as a husband.”

“I haven’t thought about it,” Dan said, reaching into the beet jar with his fork and piercing one of the beets. 

“Shouldn’t you be? The wedding is fairly soon.”

“You haven’t tried the cheese,” Dan replied, holding the bag of cubed cheese up to Phil. 

Phil grimaced. “Not a fan of cheese.”

“It’s homemade.”

“I’ve never met a cheese I liked.”

Dan opened the bag and took out a cube, holding it out toward Phil. “You have to try it. I’ve eaten like five pieces already.”

“It’s, um, it’s very fragrant,” Phil said, taking the cube from Dan and holding it in his hand.

“One bite, Philip. I swear it’s not as bad as it smells.”

Phil stared at Dan for a moment, not sure if he believed him. 

He decided to take a chance, and he put the bite in his mouth, immediately gagging as he chewed.

“Oh my gosh, it’s horrible,” he said, waving his hands in front of his face and shivering as he ate it. 

Dan laughed loudly- it was more of a cackle, really- and placed a hand over his chest as he tried to calm himself down. “I have never seen someone react so strongly to cheese,” he said through gasping breath.

“It’s the worst thing in the world,” Phil replied, picking up his grape juice and drinking the rest of it until there was nothing left. He stuck out his tongue and shivered again. “Absolutely horrible.”

“What am I missing out on here?” Someone said, causing Dan to quickly look to his left.

“Timothy,” he said, his shoulders relaxing once he knew who it was. “We were just having a snack.”

“And who is we?” He asked, looking over at Phil.

“Oh,” Phil said, quickly standing up and holding out his hand to shake. “I’m Phil Lester. Nice to meet you..?”

“Timothy,” he finished. “Timothy is fine.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “You already know who he is, Timothy. He didn’t need to introduce himself.  Philip, Timothy is my friend-”

“Best friend,” he corrected.

_ “Annoying _ friend. He’s a farmer here.”

“Animals?”

“Crops,” Timothy replied. “So, how has your time with Daniel been going so far?”

“Good, I think,” Phil replied, glancing over at Dan. “Although he did make me try cheese.”

“How incredibly rude.”

“I agree.”

“Are you two just going to stand there and talk?” Dan asked, “Or are you going to sit down?”

“Actually,” Timothy replied, “I was wondering if I could speak to you alone for a moment, if that’s alright with you, Phil.”

“Of course,” Phil replied, bending down to pick up his satchel. “I’ll go sit over there and work on my notes. It was nice meeting you, Timothy.”

“You too, Phil. And if you ever need to know any real information about Daniel here, feel free to come to me. I’m a much better source of information about him than he is.”

_ “Timothy,”  _ Dan scolded. “Be quiet.”

Phil smiled. “I may take you up on that.”

As Timothy sat down across from Dan, Phil headed down the hill aways. He was far enough that he couldn’t hear what was going on, but close enough for Dan to be able to see he hadn’t wandered off.

“Is something wrong?” Dan asked, handing Timothy his fork so he could eat some of the food.

Timothy shook his head. “No. I wanted to know how dinner with Jessica and her parents went.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “I can’t escape it today,” he said with a groan.

“Come on. We tell each other everything, Daniel. Spill it.”

Dan sighed. “She wants to have kids. A lot of kids.”

Timothy cringed. “Yikes. Is that all you talked about?”

“It always seemed to lead back to that. She’s already planning on being a homemaker and taking care of our kids and I’ll work at the office and then I’ll come home to her and the kids.” He groaned again, bringing his knees up to his chest and dropping his head down on them.

“Have you tried seeing a positive side to it?” Timothy asked.

Dan was silent for a moment, then he lifted his head back up to look at Timothy. “Positive side?” He questioned.

“I just mean, maybe it won’t all be bad. There are a lot of good marriages here that started the way yours is.”

“Timothy, I… I think you know it’s… I think you know.”

Timothy nodded. “It’s not just about the age difference, is it?”

“Is that not enough?” Dan asked.

“Daniel-”

“I really don’t want to talk about it anymore, Timothy.”

“Okay,” Timothy said, taking a deep breath. “I’ll pray about it. Is that alright?”

“Of course it is.”

“Good… I guess I’ll leave you to your fun with Phil now,” he said, a cheeky smile rising on his face.

Dan glared at him. “Shut up.”

“He is exactly what you described, by the way. You were spot on.”

Dan picked up a piece of cheese and threw it at Timothy. “Shut up,” he repeated.

Timothy laughed, then got up and wiped the grass from his pants. “Bye, Daniel,” he said as he walked off.

“Bye, Timothy.”

 

After packing up the leftovers and putting them in Phil’s satchel, they headed down to see the animals.

It was at Phil’s request. He always loved the idea of having a bunch of farm animals, but he had no idea what it was actually like, so Dan was happy to show him.

“It kind of… smells,” Phil said as they made their way around.

Dan laughed. “Yes, it does. Their plumbing isn’t as good as ours.”

“They’re cute though,” Phil said, stopping at the pigpen. Some of the pigs were eating, while others were rolling around in the mud. 

“They are. Sweet too, mostly. Except for Betty. She’ll trip you on purpose.”

“Seriously?” 

Dan nodded.

Phil smiled and looked back at the pigs. “Which one is Betty?”

“The one about to knock George out of the way for food.”

Phil watched as one pig rooted another one out of the way. “She  _ is  _ rude,” Phil said.

“Told you. Here, let’s go to the cow pasture.”

“We can just go into the cow pasture?” Phil asked.

“Of course. They’re all very sweet. None of them will trip you on purpose.”

On the way to the cows, they passed by a gated area where horses were grazing on grass.

“Do you want to go to the horses first?” Dan asked.

Phil shook his head. “Oh, no. No, I’m not a huge fan of horses.”

“Really? How come?”

“They just… They have really big heads,” he replied, pointing to his own face.

“You don’t like them because of the size of their heads?” Dan questioned.

“It doesn’t have to make sense,” Phil replied, nudging Dan with his arm. “It’s an irrational fear, but I accept it.”

Dan smiled. “Then a goal before you leave is to get you on a horse.”

Phil shivered at the thought. “Not gonna happen.”

“I think I could convince-”

“Daniel!” A man called from behind them. They both turned to see Joshua heading their way.

Phil heard Dan let out an audible breath, and he looked over to see that his whole posture had changed. He wasn’t smiling anymore either.

“Joshua, hello,” Dan greeted. “I was just showing Philip all of our animals.”

Joshua smiled as he caught up to them. “And what do you think, Phil?”

“They’re lovely,” he replied. “I’ve never really been on a farm before, so it’s interesting to see.”

“Yes, well, we take pride in our animals and treat them kindly. Now, if you don’t mind, I need to steal Daniel away from you.”

“I thought I wasn’t supposed to leave him unattended?” Dan questioned quickly.

“Oh, I’m sure he’ll be able to find his way back to the Winder’s from here, won’t you, Phil?”

Phil nodded. “Yeah, I’ll be fine.”

“Excellent. Daniel, if you’ll come with me.”

Dan reached his hand up to his hair and felt over it, making sure each strand was in place. “Yes, Joshua,” he replied, his eyes looking down toward the ground. “I’ll see you later, Phil.”

“If you have problems getting back home, ask anyone and they’ll help you,” Joshua said before they headed off toward the offices.

Phil watched them until he couldn’t see them anymore, then he began to head back home.

 

That night, just as Jeb and Kay finished their nightly sex ritual, Phil got out his phone and began searching for a signal. He knew he needed to check in with Will and let him know how things were going.

He made his way all around the room again, but was still only able to find a signal when he stood on top of his bed.

So, with one hand scrolling to find Will’s name, and the other flat on the ceiling so he wouldn’t fall, Phil made his phone call.

“Phil!” Will greeted happily. “How are you?”

“Fine,” Phil replied, keeping his voice low although he knew no one could hear him. “Just wanted to check in. There’s barely a cell signal here, so I wasn’t able to call until now.”

“I figured it would be something like that. How is it there?”

“Are you asking as a boss or friend?”

“For fuck’s sake, Phil, just tell me.”

Phil rolled his eyes. “It’s weird.”

“That’s it? Just weird? I think everyone knew that already.”

“It’s just…” He sighed. “I can’t place my finger on it. I haven’t seen anything illegal, but the arranged marriage thing is odd.”

“The  _ what?!  _ Phil, you’re doing that thing where you start a conversation in the middle.”

“I don’t know much about it,” Phil admitted. “Just that Joshua was told by God that these two people were supposed to be together, and apparently this happens a lot.”

“Okay… Well, are you asking about it?”

“I’m trying.”

Will fell silent.

“What is it?” Phil asked.

“It’s… You’re _too_ nice, Phil.”

“You make that sound like a bad thing.”

“It is when you’re a reporter. Listen, I sent you there because you’re nice. I knew you’d be the last person to go and judge everyone unfairly, even though religion isn’t your thing. But, I need you to not be overly-nice.”

“What’s that mean?”

“It means I need you to ask more than surface questions,” Will explained. “Dig deeper. Know your limits, and ride the line of those limits.”

“You do know who you’re talking to, right?”

Will let out a deep breath. “Yes, Phil. Listen, is there anyone there who might be able to help? Anyone you could get more information out of?”

Phil bit at his bottom lip. “I’m not sure,” he replied. “Maybe though.”

“Then go for it. Make these two weeks count, okay?”

“Yeah… Yeah, okay. I gotta go, Will. Call my mum for me, will ya? Let her know I’m not dead.”

Will laughed. “Consider it done. Bye, Phil.”

“Bye.”

Phil hung up and laid down on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. He felt so out of place here, so uneasy. 

He couldn’t pinpoint what was bothering him either, which annoyed him. There were a few things he _could_ be bothered by, including the arranged marriages, the way the men treated their wives, the fact that Joshua claimed to speak directly to God, or the fact no one seemed to question that, but… there was something else. Something that Phil couldn’t figure out. 

A puzzle he couldn’t quite seem to solve.

It was almost as though he could hear it screaming in his brain, but he couldn’t understand the words.

He turned onto his side and closed his eyes, wishing he could be anywhere else but here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some people have made fanart for this fic, which is absolutely incredible, so if you'd like to check it out you can go to my tumblr and see it!
> 
> Thank you all for giving this fic a chance! It means so much to me.
> 
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	7. Psalm 136:7-9

_ To Him who made the great lights,  _

_ For His lovingkindness is everlasting:  _

_ The sun to rule by day,  _

_ For His lovingkindness is everlasting, _

_ The moon and stars to rule by night,  _

_ For His lovingkindness is everlasting. _

_ Psalm 136:7-9 _

 

The next morning, Phil waited downstairs in the living room, as he always did, for Dan to pick him up.

He kept looking out the window, waiting to see Dan’s perfectly combed, curly hair bouncing slightly with each step. Waited to see him biting at his lip or fingernails as he walked up to the door. Waited to see him force his hunched shoulders back to fix his posture before he knocked on the door. Waited to-

Phil shook his head, forcing himself out of his thoughts. He could be a daydreamer sometimes. He often paid too much attention to detail and, while that was usually a good thing, it wasn’t when the details weren’t important ones.

He reached in his satchel and pulled out his phone just enough to check the time. Realizing that Dan was nearly an hour late, he dropped his phone back into his satchel and went to tell Kay he’d be going over to Dan’s today.

She loudly told him goodbye, giving him a container of bread pudding for him to eat later. 

He thanked her and then headed out of the house.

 

It wasn’t a long walk from the Winder’s to the Howell’s. There were only a couple of houses in between, and a few acres of land. 

He walked up to the door with the feeling of butterflies in his stomach. He wasn’t sure why, exactly, but doing this seemed a bit backwards. Dan always came to him; he had never gone to Dan.

He took a deep breath and knocked on the door, knowing his nervousness was pointless. Joshua had let him go back to the Winder’s alone yesterday, so he wouldn’t get in trouble… at least, he hoped he wouldn’t get in trouble.

The sound of the doorknob turning made him jump slightly. He cleared his throat as the door opened to Julia, wiping her hands on the apron that was over her dress. “Mr. Lester,” she greeted. “How are you?”

“Phil is fine, Ma’am. I’m good, thank you. How are you?”

“I’m doing well. I take it you’re here because of Daniel?”

Phil nodded. “Yes, Ma’am.”

“He’s feeling a bit under the weather,” she replied. “He just needs some rest and he’ll be good as new.”

“Oh, okay. Well, let him know I hope he feels better.”

“I’ll do that. Bye, Phil,” she said, already closing the door.

“Have a good-” The door shut, “day.”

 

Not wanting to go back to the Winder’s and spend the entire day either cooking with Kay or staying in his room, he headed into town to look around on his own.

He had thought about what Will had said, how he needed to dig deeper to find more information, and he knew Will was right. 

He also knew that one way to get information without crossing any lines would be to go to the library and pick up some books.

He didn’t pass too many people on his way to town. Half of the people he did pass ignored him completely, while the other half gave him polite but tight smiles. 

He walked into the library slowly, not wanting to disturb anyone around. When he saw it was empty inside, he relaxed a bit and headed straight for the books that Joshua had written.

He grabbed two of Joshua’s books,  _ Rely on Me, Because I Rely on Him  _ and  _ Why He Chose Me.  _ He then grabbed up one of Jack Lincoln’s books called  _ God’s Guard: Protection All Around. _

Letting out a deep sigh, Phil sat down at one of the tables. He pulled a notebook and pen out of his satchel and set them on the desk, then picked up one of the books.

The first book he chose was  _ Why He Chose Me.  _ He looked over the front cover, which was Joshua, seated on a pew, his eyes closed to make it appear as though he were praying.

Phil couldn’t help but roll his eyes as he opened the book to the first chapter.

The book started out by telling Joshua’s story from when he was young. 

_ I began to feel God’s presence inside of me when I was thirteen. My mum told me that God was inside all of us, and that is true, but this was different. God wasn’t just inside of me, he was all around me. He was wrapping his body around me like a whirling wind. Like he was a hurricane, and I was standing in the eye of the storm.  _

_...Eventually, my mum realized that I had a gift. God spoke to me. He used me as a messenger. I was meant to bring the people of the world his news. I was meant to help and save them. Meant to bring them closer to God so, one day, they could be in Heaven.  _

_...There aren’t many in the world who have the same powers as I have. In fact, I’ve never met a single person who can understand God speaking to them the way I can understand. God and I have a connection more powerful than people on this planet will ever have the power to comprehend. _

Phil closed the book and let out a groan. He had barely read it and he had the feeling he knew what the entire book would be about.

He picked up Jack’s book next, opening it up to the first page, ready to read more bullshit about Jack and his relationship with God.

He was surprised, however, when the book wasn’t like that at all. In fact, it was basically a devotional.

Each page had a different subject, then there would be two or three verses to go along with the subject, and a small paragraph from Jack where he explained the verses.

It was completely different from Joshua’s books, which confused Phil.

He wrote down a couple of notes, then put the notebook back in his satchel.

The library was a self checkout, where they trusted you would return whatever was taken, so Phil put the books in his satchel as well, then headed out of the library.

He looked around, thinking of where to go next, when his attention was drawn to the church.

He didn’t necessarily like churches, but this would be a perfect opportunity to write down a description of the building. He remembered Dan saying it was always open for anyone who wanted to go inside, so he took a deep breath and headed over there. 

As he opened the church doors and walked inside, he felt uneasy. That was nothing new though; he always felt uneasy in churches. 

Actually, he always felt uneasy going  _ by  _ churches. He never went growing up, and didn’t feel welcome there as an adult. 

He never cared for religion, and he didn’t feel like it cared much for him either.

He sat down on a pew in the back of the church so he’d have a good view to write down a description. He didn’t know why people would care so much about what the church looked like, but he remembered Will telling him about how people love details about the things they couldn’t understand… This was definitely a place that many people didn’t understand.

He went to get his notebook out when the church doors creaked open. He looked back to see Joshua walking in, looking at him with a small smile.

“Phil,” he greeted. “You’re here alone.”

Phil nodded as Joshua took a seat in the pew in front of him, turning to lean against the armrest so he could look at Phil.

“I am,” Phil replied. “Daniel wasn’t feeling well,” he said, unsure if he should use his informal nickname for Dan with Joshua. “I hope it’s alright. I know I’m supposed to be with Daniel when I go out, but I’m not doing interviews today or anything. I was just taking a walk around the town.”

Joshua waved him off. “It’s fine. A few of the people here were worried, so I said I’d speak with you, but there’s no problem with you walking around.”

“Glad to hear it,” Phil replied.

Joshua cleared his throat. “May I ask what you’ve observed so far? I know it’s been a few days, but you must have some thoughts already.”

“Um, well, I’ve really used these first days to take in the town, and I’ve only talked to a few people, so I don’t have much yet. However, like I said when I spoke to everyone a couple of days ago, it seems like a lovely place so far.” While Phil didn’t necessarily believe in God, he did have a brief moment of hoping he wouldn’t be struck by lightning for lying in a church. 

It wasn’t that Phil had any real evidence that God’s Guard  _ wasn’t  _ lovely. For all he had been told, everyone here enjoyed the day to day lives that they were expected to live. It was just, for him, it didn’t exactly seem like a place he’d want to be long term.

“After all the bad we’ve heard about this place from outsiders,” Joshua said, a small smile rising on his face, “it’s nice to hear some good.” He reached over the pew and patted Phil’s knee before standing up. “You have a good day, Phil.”

“You too, Joshua.”

As Joshua left out of the church, Phil let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. He glanced around the church, then decided he could always make notes about it later. For now, he just wanted to be anywhere else.

 

A few minutes later, Phil found himself wandering over to Dan’s tree. Well, it wasn’t really  _ Dan’s  _ tree, but that’s what Phil thought of it as. 

It was truly one of the only places he’d felt completely at peace, so far. Maybe it was because you could see the entire town from here, or maybe it was the company he always had, but something about that spot was better than anywhere else.

As he climbed up the hill, he saw someone sitting at the tree.

He squinted his eyes until he got close enough to see that it was Timothy.

He was sitting under the shade of the tree, staring out toward the animals.

He looked tall, his legs stretched out in front of him. Phil knew he was a couple inches shorter than him, but his long legs and broad shoulders made him look bigger. 

Phil figured he must’ve heard him walking, because he turned and looked at Phil as he got closer.

“Hi, Phil!” He said with a smile. “Come sit.”

He patted the spot next to him, so Phil walked over and sat down, placing his satchel down beside him. “How are you, Timothy?”

“I’m good. Enjoying a little break between work.”

“I can leave you alone, if you like?”

Timothy shook his head. “No, I don’t mind company. Where’s Daniel though? Did he abandon you?”

Phil smiled. “No. He wasn’t feeling well this morning, so I decided to walk around by myself.”

Timothy nodded. “He gets ill from time to time. Nothing too serious. He should be fine by tonight. No need to worry.”

“Oh, I wasn’t, um, I wasn’t worried.”

“Mhm.” Timothy looked out toward the animals again, a smirk on his face. 

“So, he gets sick a lot?” Phil asked. 

“Not really sick,” Timothy said. “Just feels nauseous some mornings. He’ll be fine by tonight, I’m sure. I’ll go check on him later though.” He looked back over at Phil and smiled. “I’ll let him know you weren’t worried.” 

Phil looked away from Timothy, wishing he could somehow roll his eyes yet still maintain a professional appearance. “You said you and Dan were best friends?” He asked, internally cursing at himself for using his nickname for Dan.

Timothy, however, didn’t seem to bat an eye at the name, which did help Phil’s heart to return to a normal speed. 

“Yes, that’s true,” he replied. “Although, I think we’re more like brothers. He  _ is _ six years older than me, which can be a big difference sometimes, but we’ve always been close.”

“How long have you known each other?”

“I was actually born here a couple of months after Daniel and his family arrived, so I’ve known him my whole life. Julia used to watch me a lot when I was young, because my mum would make clothes for other kids, and quilts for anyone who needed one. I kind of grew up with the Howell’s.”

“So you weren’t lying when you said you were a good source of information for Daniel. You two must know everything about each other.”

Timothy nodded. “That and more,” he replied. He picked a few pieces of grass out of the ground, then looked over at Phil with a curious expression. “Am I being interviewed?” He asked.

“Actually, I’m not allowed to interview anyone without Daniel present,” Phil replied. “So, this is all off the record.”

“You’re just wanting to know all about Daniel... off the record?” He asked with a shrug.

“I… I- Yes,” he stuttered. “He’s the one who will be escorting me around for two weeks, so I was curious.”

“Okay,” Timothy replied. “Well, I do know that Daniel trusts you, so I trust you too. I know a lot of people here don’t, and I know their reasons, but Daniel trusting you is enough for me.”

“Thank you,” Phil replied, relaxing a bit more. 

“No problem.” Timothy looked up at the sky, taking note of where the sun had moved. “I better get back to work,” he said, pushing himself up off the ground. “I’ll check on  _ Dan  _ in a few hours,” he added with a smile. “Bye, Phil.”

Phil’s heart sped up a bit, but he forced himself to calm back down. “Bye, Timothy.”

 

That night, just as Phil was about to head upstairs and get ready for bed, there was a knock on the door.

Kay got up from the couch and went to the door. “Daniel!” She said, causing Phil to quickly turn his head toward the door.

“Mrs. Winder, hello!” Daniel replied. “Is Philip around?!”

Kay looked back toward Phil and waved him over. Phil quickly got out of his seat and walked to them.

“Hi, Dan,” he said, briefly looking him up and down to see if he was alright. “How are you?”

“I was wondering if you’d like to come with me for a bit?” Dan asked.

Phil nodded. “Sure. Where?”

Dan looked back at Kay. “Phil will be back later, okay, Mrs. Winder?!”

“Alright, Dear! You two have fun!”

She patted Phil’s back as he walked out the door, then shut the door behind them.

“I don’t have a key,” Phil said, looking back toward the house.

“No one ever locks their doors here,” Dan replied. “You’ll be fine.”

“Where are we going?”

“You’ll see.”

They walked in silence until they reached the hill. 

“Here we are,” Dan said, stopping at the middle of the hill and sitting down.

“I’m confused,” Phil replied, looking around. “We’ve been here a few times.”

“Sit down, Philip.”

Phil sat down beside Dan. “Now what?”

“Now we lay down,” Dan replied, lying down on his back and staring up at the sky.

Phil followed suit. “Oh,” he said, immediately noticing what Dan was wanting him to see. “Wow. They’re beautiful.”

“Watching the stars is one of my favorite things to do,” Dan said. “It’s very relaxing.”

“I can see why,” Phil replied. “You can’t see the stars very well in the city. Too much light everywhere.”

“I come out here at least once a week. Sometimes I fall asleep here too.”

“You’re allowed?”

Dan laughed. “We don’t have curfews or anything like that. Plus, it’s happened so many times by now that my parents know where I am.”

“Oh.” Phil stared at the sky for a couple of minutes, then he looked over at Dan.

Dan seemed a bit paler than he did the day before, or maybe Phil just thought he did. It was dark out, but Phil could still see his eyes looked heavier, with dark circles underneath. “How are you feeling?” Phil asked.

“Better,” Dan replied, looking over at Phil. “I was just a little nauseous earlier and didn’t want to risk throwing up all over you.”

Phil smiled. “Thanks for that.”

“You’re welcome,” Dan replied, smiling back. He looked back toward the sky, but Phil kept his eyes on Dan. 

“Are you okay?” Phil asked. “Not healthwise, I mean. You just… You look tired.”

Dan opened his mouth to speak, closed it, then opened it again. “I’m fine,” he said. “Really.”

“Are you sure?”

“Philip?”

“Yeah?”

“Let’s watch the stars,” Dan said. He moved slightly closer to Phil, so their shoulders were barely brushed up against one another. “Before it gets too cloudy.”

Phil looked up at the stars as the wind gently began to blow. “Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The messages you all send me on here and on tumblr make me so incredibly happy. Thank you for taking the time to read this fic and to let me know what you think about it! It means so much to me.
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	8. John 11:35

_ Jesus wept. _

_ John 11:35 _

 

Nothing was planned for the next day, giving Phil time to go through the books he had taken from the library.

He found himself writing pages of notes on Joshua. His books were filled with information about himself. It was as though he couldn’t talk about himself enough.

He wrote about coming to God’s Guard, and Jack Lincoln knowing he was the man who should lead the people here. He talked about Jack leaving, and how sad it was for everyone, but they knew they were being left in good hands.

He also discussed the need for everyone in God’s Guard to disconnect from the outside world. Besides bringing in new members, they shouldn’t interact with outsiders. Outsiders were there to lead them astray. Outsiders were not trying to please God, they were trying to please the world.

Phil was no longer surprised about his cold welcome to the community. If everyone had read these books, it was no wonder they looked at him as though he were their enemy. Even after both Joshua and Phil told them they shouldn’t worry, it would be tough to get out of this mindset.

He also took some notes from Jack’s book. He didn’t have much to work with there, seeing as Jack focused on daily devotionals. But, there were a few interesting things that Phil thought he might need to remember for later.

He took photos of certain pages with his phone, so he could return the books soon, and then he put everything away and headed out for a walk.

 

Phil decided to walk by the creek.

It was a nice day out, and the water was clear enough to watch the fish swim around.

Phil could see a few different families out on the hill. Kids were playing tag, laughing and shrieking as their parents talked to one another.

At one end of the creek, a couple of boys were fishing but, other than that, Phil was alone.

The sound of the water gently flowing around the rocks was calming to him. If he sat down, he might’ve fallen asleep. 

He didn’t want to do that though. He had a few too many things on his mind. None of it made much sense. Mostly words flying around, along with names, and quotes from the books he had read.

Being a journalist was a lot like being a detective sometimes. You had to read between the lines to figure out what something meant, or tear an almost completed puzzle apart to really be able to put it together.

Phil was usually good at those types of things.  _ Usually. _

Maybe he was thinking too hard though, because he couldn’t figure this one out. 

Yes, he had only been in this place for five days, but he felt like he was missing the most obvious thing in the world.

“So I said, why don’t we work on maths for a little while, just to switch things up, and it worked! Taking a break really helped him figure everything out.”

The sound of someone talking drew Phil out of his thoughts. He looked ahead to see Dan, sitting with his legs resting in the creek. Beside him was Jessica, who was excitedly telling a story.

“I’m just really gifted like that, I guess. Like, I know how to help kids understand. Probably because I have so many siblings. I don’t know, really. I just enjoy helping them with things. It’s like all I ever want to do.”

“Hello,” Phil said, walking up to them.

Dan’s head whipped around and his eyes widened. He looked like a kid who had been caught stealing sweets.

“Hi!” Jessica said, giving Phil a little wave. “You’re Phil, right?”

“Yes, that’s me.”

“Daniel mentioned you earlier.”

“Oh, he did?”

“Yes. It’s nice to meet you. Would you like to sit?”

“I’m sure he’s busy,” Dan interjected.

“No, I’ll sit,” Phil replied, taking a seat beside Dan. “Your name is Jessica, correct?”

Jessica nodded. “It is.”

“Would… Would you mind if I interviewed you both for my article?” Phil asked. If he wasn’t going to get answers from Dan, at least he could try and do it this way.

Dan shook his head. “Oh, I don’t-”

“I’d love that!” Jessica exclaimed. 

“Excellent. I don’t have my notebook with me, but I’ve got a pretty good memory, so I’ll ask a few questions. First, when is the big day?”

“Oh, our wedding is just under two months away,” Jessica replied, glancing over at Dan. “The day after I turn sixteen.”

“Wow,” Phil said. “That’s young.”

“It is,” she agreed, “but I’m ready. I’ve always been ready.”

“Have you two gone out on many dates, or is this a first?”

“Oh, this isn’t actually a date. I was walking to town and I saw Daniel sitting here, so I figured I’d come sit and talk to him for a while.”

“No dates then?”

Jessica shook her head. “No. Daniel says we’ll have plenty of time to get to know each other after the wedding. We don’t even plan to kiss until the ceremony.”

Phil shot Dan a look. “Really?”

“Mhm,” Jessica replied, leaning in closer. “It’s not exactly a rule here, but it’s something a few couples have done. Daniel wants to wait, and I don’t mind waiting. It’s sweet, I think, saving everything for marriage.”

“Jessica?” Dan said, looking away from the water for the first time since Phil started to ask questions.

“Yes, Daniel?”

“Could you leave us, please?”

“Phil’s in the middle of an interview,” Jessica replied.

“I don’t care,” he said in a biting tone, causing her to move back slightly. “We have things we have to do. Go home.”

“What would you… Would you like me to do something for you?” She asked.

The question only made Dan angrier. She was already acting like she was his wife. “It doesn’t matter, Jessica. Go make bread or something.”

“Okay,” she replied softly, getting up to leave. “I’ll see you both later.”

“Bye, Jessica,” Phil said, smiling at her before she walked away. Once she was gone, he looked back at Dan, who was putting on his shoes. “Well, that was rude.”

“You had no right,” Dan said under his breath. When he got his shoes on, he quickly stood up and began to walk away from Phil.

Phil got up and hurried over to him. “What’s wrong?” He asked.

Dan scoffed and rolled his eyes. “As if you don’t know.”

“I  _ don’t  _ know,” Phil said. “Shouldn’t you be happy about having an interview with your soon-to-be wife?”

“Stop it!” Dan yelled, turning to face Phil so quickly that Phil almost hit right into him. “Just stop it! You had absolutely no right to do that!”

“To do what, Dan? All I did was ask some basic ques-”

“I already told you I didn’t want to talk about it!”

“And that’s why I talked to Jessica. Look, Dan, I’m here to get a story on this place. That includes talking to people of all ages, at all different points in life.”

“Then you should have only spoken to me about it,” Dan replied, lowering his voice as some people walked by.

“I tried talking to you about it and you wouldn’t say anything. Wouldn’t even discuss your own future. I’m sorry if I find that a bit odd and want to know the reason behind it.”

“You haven’t even been here a week, Philip! You don't know me!” Dan shook his head. “You don’t get to act like I owe you something!”

“I never said you did! I just want to know why you’re not happy, Dan. As you said, I’ve been here less than a week, but I’m not stupid and I’m not blind. I can see you’re not happy. I can see-”

“She’s fifteen!” Dan yelled, quickly looking around to make sure no one was near. “She’s fifteen, Philip,” he repeated, quieter this time. “She’s just a girl. She’s supposed to be in school for another year. She’s ten years younger than me. Don’t you see how weird that is?!”

“Of course I do,” Phil replied. “I’m the one who brought that up to you and you said it was normal!”

“It’s not normal!” Dan exclaimed, his face becoming hot and red as anger boiled inside of him. “It’s not normal! I feel like her parents should be getting a restraining order against me! I don’t want to be with her, I don’t want to kiss her, I don’t want to have kids with her, I don’t want to touch her, I-” He paused suddenly, his eyes going wide as he brought a hand up to his chest.

“What is it?” Phil asked, becoming worried. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m gonna-” he lurched and Phil quickly moved out of the way. “I’m gonna throw up,” he managed to get out before bending over and vomiting into the creek. 

Phil rushed over to him and placed a hand on his back. “I’m so sorry,” he said once Dan finished.

Dan wiped a hand over his mouth, dry heaving slightly.

“I’m so, so sorry,” Phil continued. “I didn’t know just how much it really bothered you.”

Dan stood back up and took a shaky breath. “There’s a lot you don’t know,” he said quietly, stepping away from Phil. “I’m going home.”

“Dan, is there-”

“Just leave me alone.” 

 

“Your mum and I have been waiting for this moment for years, Daniel,” Robert said as he and Dan sat in the living room. It was getting late, nearly time for bed, and Dan couldn’t wait until the moment he could excuse himself to his room.

“I know, Dad,” Dan replied, looking down at his hands.

“We knew Joshua would receive an answer from God one day, but we worried for a long time that the day wouldn’t come. I couldn’t believe it when it finally did.”

“Me either.”

“You’ll be moving into the old McDonnell house, you know? It needs some work, but I’m sure you and I will be able to fix it up together. Maybe I’ll finally be able to get some tools in your hands,” he added with a laugh.

Dan nodded, faking a smile. “Maybe.”

“And I want you to know how happy your mother and I are for grandchildren. It was devastating to us that Julia couldn’t have more after you. To know you and Jessica will be able to have something we couldn’t… It just makes us happy.”

Dan was pretty sure he was going to throw up again if he had to keep talking about this. What was even more sickening was the fact that his mum being unable to have more kids wasn’t even an issue until they moved here. Up until they arrived at God’s Guard, she always said that one was enough when the one she got was Daniel. 

The clock in their living room chimed as it turned nine o’clock. 

“I better get up to bed,” Dan said, keeping his voice quiet in fear that his dad would hear how shaky he was.

“Alright,” Robert replied, oblivious. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

Dan hurried upstairs and into his room. He shut the door behind him and walked straight over to the bed, lying down and curling up on his side.

He closed his eyes tight as tears started to fall, his bottom lip trembling.

He knew he had to keep quiet. No one could ever know he was crying right now. He wasn’t supposed to cry. 

He was supposed to trust in God.

He was supposed to trust in Joshua.

His hands were shaking so hard that he couldn’t ignore it. He clenched them together, the nails digging into his skin as they always did when he’d do this. 

He wasn’t sure how much more he could take. Up until now, life was just happening in front of him. Like he was watching a movie, but he wasn’t really a part of it. Now, he was being forced to be a part of it.

Not only that, but he had revealed something very personal to a person he barely knew. He had never even acted that way with Timothy before. He didn’t know how Phil would use the information he gave him. If he added it to his article and Joshua found out…

He didn’t want to think about that.

He was nearly hyperventilating now, pressing a hand against his chest as he tried to take in a deep breath.

He could barely breathe in at all.

He opened his eyes and sat up in bed, moving so his feet were touching the ground. 

As he wiped the tears from his cheeks, more immediately fell to replace them. 

He couldn’t breathe.

But he had to breathe.

He wasn’t okay.

But he had to be okay.

He had no choice.

He never had a choice. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter. I have loved reading your thoughts and guesses as to where this story is headed!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	9. Proverbs 14:12

_There is a way that appears to be right,_

_but in the end it leads to death._

_Proverbs 14:12_

 

Morning came too early for Phil. He had barely slept. All he could do was think about Dan.

He hated that he had pushed for the interview with Jessica. He hated that he hadn’t fully thought out why Dan was uncomfortable with the situation.

He knew Dan didn’t want to talk about it for some reason, but a piece of him thought it would be because he didn’t want Phil judging him.

Or maybe he really did know exactly how much it bothered Dan, and he couldn’t stand the fact that Dan wouldn’t admit it…

Whatever the reason, Phil felt like a jerk.

A jerk for not respecting Dan enough to let it go.

And a jerk for ruining basically the only good relationship he had made here.

It almost felt like Dan was his friend, more than a chaperone. Phil had felt like he could talk to him more openly about this place than he could with anyone else. Dan never treated Phil as an outsider, and Phil didn’t give Dan that same respect.

Phil got out of bed, after getting about two hours of sleep total, and got dressed for church. Thankfully, Dan had let him keep the outfit he’d borrowed for Wednesday’s service, so he wouldn’t have to wear skinny jeans and a short-sleeved button up.

 

When Phil arrived at the church with the Winder’s, he looked around until he spotted Dan.

Dan was seated up front again. He was looking down at what Phil assumed was his Bible, although he couldn’t see it from where he was.

He went to head up toward Dan when Kay tugged on his arm. She led him down a pew a few rows back from Dan, and then patted the seat beside her for him to sit down.

Phil let out a sigh, but smiled at Kay and sat down so she wouldn’t know anything was wrong.

He barely listened throughout the entire service. Kay would occasionally have to nudge him so he’d stand, sit, or sing at the right times.

He kept watching Dan, wondering what he was thinking, and hoping he’d have the opportunity to speak with him soon. He wanted to be able to make things right. He wanted to apologize.

As the service ended and everyone got up to leave, Phil tried to keep his eyes on Dan. He needed to know where Dan was going so he could go talk to him. But, even though Dan was taller than most of the people in the room, Phil lost track of him.

He wanted to keep looking for him, but Joshua came up to him and began talking, so Phil decided he’d wait and go over to his house later.

 

Jeb and Kay decided to take a nap after lunch, giving Phil the perfect opportunity to walk over to Dan’s house.

He hoped he wouldn’t be intruding on the Howell’s afternoon. He wasn’t exactly sure how Sunday's were meant to be spent here.

It didn’t matter to enough to turn around and leave them alone though. He _needed_ to talk to Dan, or at least try. Even if Dan wouldn’t speak with him, he had to know he was doing all he could to make this right.

He knocked on the door, then took a step back and waited on an answer.

A few seconds later, the door opened, and Robert stood in front of him.

“Hello, Mr. Howell,” Phil began, feeling like a kid asking his friend’s parent if he could come out and play.

“Phil,” he replied with a nod. “What can I do for you?”

“I was just wondering if Daniel was around? I needed some help, um, remembering names for my notes. I’m not sure if this is inappropriate to ask on a Sunday.”

Robert shook his head. “No, it’s fine. Daniel isn’t here though. He’s at the office, getting the taping of the sermon ready to post online.”

“Okay,” Phil said. “I’ll, uh, I’ll go find him there then.”

“You’ll have to wait until he’s finished.” Robert scratched at his head and shrugged. “I don’t know much about computers, but it’s a delicate process, I’ve been told. He doesn’t want distractions there.”

Phil’s eyebrows furrowed slightly, but he quickly put on his best poker face. “Oh, alright. I’ll speak to him later then. Thank you for your time, Mr. Howell.”

Robert smiled at him. “Have a good day.”

 

Phil felt like his head was constantly being filled with so much new, confusing information that his brain might just pop right on out.

Because of his knowledge of editing, he knew it wasn’t that much of a delicate process. Yes, editing required concentration, but not so much that someone couldn’t interrupt for a couple of minutes.

He headed into town, not wanting to go back to the house just yet. If he couldn’t talk to Dan, the least he could do is go to the mercantile and get something to drink.

Phil could see quite a few families on the hill. They appeared to be having a picnic, all dressed in their Sunday best. Kids were running around in their suits and dresses, and parents were chatting with one another.

As weird as it seemed, for a moment, Phil wished he was beetle. That way he could crawl right into the middle of the crowd and hear an actual conversation. He’d be able to know exactly what these people talk about when they’re not putting on a show for him.

He wondered how many people would be whispering the worries and fears they kept hidden away, like Dan. He wondered how many of them had secrets that they only told a single person, or maybe no one at all.

“Phil?”

Phil quickly turned around to see Timothy walking toward him. “Hello, Timothy,” he said, stopping to speak with him.

“Hello. Where are you headed?”

“I was going to go to the mercantile and get a drink.”

“I was actually going there myself,” Timothy replied. “I’ll walk with you.”

They continued toward the mercantile, walking in silence until Timothy spoke up. “You’re wanting to speak with Daniel, aren’t you?”

Phil looked over at him. “Why do you ask?”

“I know something was bothering him yesterday, and you’ve got a nervous look on your face.”

“I’ve always got a nervous look on my face,” Phil replied.

Timothy laughed. “Okay. More nervous then.”

Phil nervously cracked his knuckles against his legs. It was something he never did, until now apparently. “How did you know it was about Dan?”

Timothy shrugged. “What else would it be about?”

Phil sighed. “I’d like to speak with him,” he admitted. “I heard he couldn’t be disturbed while at the office though.”

“Yeah, Joshua doesn’t like for him to have distractions,” Timothy explained. “If-” He paused. Phil looked at him and was about to ask what he was going to say when Timothy opened his mouth to speak again. “If you go over to the office after two, Joshua will be gone. He goes home to his wife and kids then. You’d be able to go in and speak to Daniel.”

“Thank you,” Phil said, feeling calm for the first time today.

“No problem. Until then, would you like for me to tell you a story about the time 10 year old Daniel thought it would be wise to wrap me up in blankets and roll me down the hill?”

Phil laughed. _“Please_ tell that story.”

 

Phil waited until nearly half past two to go speak to Dan. He wanted to make sure he wouldn’t run into Joshua, because God knows he would be awkward trying to explain what he was doing there.

He looked around to make sure no one was nearby before he entered the main office door.

He walked to the editing room door and took a deep breath, then opened it.

Hearing the door open, Dan quickly wiped at his face before turning to see who was there.

“Phil? What are you- You’re not supposed to be in here.”

“Are you crying?” Phil asked, standing in the doorway. He could have sworn his heart broke a little bit in that moment.

“I- I don’t…” He glanced back and forth from the computer to Phil, “My eyes just water when I stare at the screen too long.”

Phil walked inside the room, shutting the door behind him. “I’m so sorry, Dan,” he began. “I never, ever meant to hurt you like that. I’m not… I’m not ever that forward, and I shouldn’t have been so forward then. I was just trying to be a good reporter, but it kind of made me a terrible human, and I never wanted to make you cry or anything, so I-”

“Phil,” Dan interrupted. “I’m not… It’s not because of that.”

“Oh.” Phil was confused. “What is it then?”

Dan shook his head. “It doesn’t matter,” he replied, turning back to the computer.

“Yes, it does.” Phil walked over to the chair beside Dan’s and sat down. “If you’re crying about something, then that something matters.”

“Phil, I really have to get back to work on this, okay? It has to be up before tonight’s service.”

Phil sighed. “Dan-”

“Why are you always so persistent?” Dan asked in an annoyed tone, staring over at Phil.

Phil could see his bloodshot eyes, and the dark circles underneath them. His cheeks and his nose were tinted pink; it was obvious he had been crying for some time now.

“Can’t help it,” Phil replied simply.

“It’s annoying.” They stared at each other for a moment. It almost felt like a competition to see who would break first.

Dan lost, breaking eye contact to look at the computer screen. He moved the mouse around and pressed some buttons. “You’re too nosy,” he mumbled under his breath.

“It’s my job to be nosy,” Phil said.

Dan let out a humorless laugh. “Right. Your job.”

“No, I don’t-” Phil let out a frustrated sigh. “I don’t mean it like that. I mean, yes, my job is to be nosy, but that’s not why I’m asking you why you’re crying. I… Dan, I don’t like to see people upset. When I see that someone is sad, I want to try and make them feel better.” He leaned back in his chair, resting an arm on the desk. “You’ve been so kind to me the entire time I’ve been here,” he continued. “I know I haven’t been here long, but I do consider you a friend. I don’t want you to be hurting.”

Dan bit at the inside of his cheek. “I wish you would’ve been here half an hour ago then,” he said. The words were almost too quiet for Phil to hear.

“What do you mean?” Phil asked.

Dan shook his head. “Nothing, Phil.”

“Dan, I- Wait… Wait, you’ve been calling me Phil this whole time instead of Philip.”

“Yes, I know,” Dan replied.

“Do you… Do you want me to call you Daniel?”

“No,” Dan replied quickly. “No, I- Dan’s fine.”

Phil nodded. “Okay. I’ll, um, I’ll leave you alone now, so you can get back to work. Please know that you really can talk to me, if you want to,” he said, getting up out of the chair. “And not just as a journalist.”

Being met with silence, Phil walked over to the door to leave.

“Hey,” Dan said, stopping him just as he reached for the doorknob.

Phil turned back around. “Yeah?”

Dan pushed the empty desk chair toward Phil, not bothering to look over at him. “Stay for a bit, if you like,” he said. “I can show you what I do here.”

Phil smiled, moving the chair back over beside Dan. “I would love that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this shorter-than-usual chapter! Thank you, as always, for all the lovely comments on here and tumblr!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	10. Jeremiah 29:11

_ “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,  _

_ “plans to prosper you and not to harm you,  _

_ plans to give you hope and a future.” _

_ Jeremiah 29:11 _

 

“I don’t do all that much,” Dan said as he began uploading the sermon onto YouTube. “Most of the time, I’m just adding the sermons on here.”

“Yeah, but you edit all those testimonial videos,” Phil replied. Dan had taken a few minutes to show him some videos of people talking about God’s Guard. They would discuss the reasons they came, how much they loved it here, and then there would be clips of the town inserted into the video. “And you do a great job.”

Dan shrugged. “It’s alright, I guess.”

“You’re doing more editing than I am, and I spent thousands of dollars getting a degree for it,” Phil said with a laugh. “You’re really good.”

“Thanks.”

As the video continued to upload, Dan minimized the screen. “We don’t have to stay the whole time. It’ll do the rest itself.” He leaned back in his chair and looked over at Phil. “Would you like to take a walk?”

Phil nodded. “Yeah, that’d be great.”

 

“Do you like editing?” Phil asked as they began their walk toward the animals.

“Mhm. I like filming, editing, posting them online… Everything, really.”

“You do all of it?”

“Yeah. Joshua comes with me when I film, but he’s not great with technology, so he has me handle all of that. I do a lot of work on the website too, which I told you before, but I like to do that.”

“How’d you learn to do it all?”

“Joshua asked me too,” Dan replied. “He wanted a website, so people could learn about us and join, or donate if they wanted to. He set me up in the office and let me learn how to do it.”

“That’s nice of him.”

Dan nodded. “Better than farming. I’m not meant for that.”

“I don’t suppose I would be either.”

As they reached the animals, Dan headed out toward the cows. “Never did get to show you the cows the other day,” he said. He whistled to get their attention.

A few of the cows looked over, then two of them began making their way toward Dan and Phil.

“Are they… Are you sure they’re nice?”

Dan smiled. “Positive.” He sat down as the cows got closer, and Phil followed suit once he noticed.

One cow went up to Dan, then turned and laid down right near his feet.

The other walked up to Phil, sniffed his face while Phil remained as still as possible, then laid down beside Phil. She got comfortable, then rested her head in Phil’s lap.

Phil’s eyes widened. “Oh my gosh,” he said, lifting a hand up to gently pet the cow’s head.

“I told you they’re sweet,” Dan replied.

“I didn’t know they were like giant dogs!” Phil replied.

Dan laughed. “They definitely can be. She really likes you.”

“I like her too!” 

She moved slightly, snuggling her head even more on Phil’s lap. “I wish I had my phone to take a picture,” he said, smiling wide. “Dan, this is too cute!”

“I can’t believe how excited you are about this,” Dan said, looking back and forth from Phil to the cow.

“It’s not everyday a cow rests its head in your lap, Dan.”

Dan gave him a look.

“Okay, maybe for you it is, but it’s not everyday for  _ me.  _ I mean, I was never allowed to have a dog at home, and I only had hamsters and a bunny and little things like that. I always wanted a dog, or something bigger, and now an actual cow is resting its head in my lap.”

“I’m glad you’re getting to live out a dream, Philip.”

Phil glanced over at Dan, blushing slightly when he noticed how Dan was staring at him. “Sorry,” he said. “I get over-excited sometimes.”

Dan shook his head. “Don’t be sorry. It’s cute.”

Phil's face blushed brighter now. He immediately turned back to the cow, wondering if Dan even realized what he had said.

“Animals are my favorite,” Phil said, clearing his throat. “I’m, um, I’m usually better with them than I am with humans.”

“They’re treated good here.” Dan reached over and pet the cow on her head. “I used to wish I was one of them,” he said absentmindedly.

“A cow?”

Dan shrugged. “Any animal. Didn’t matter which one.”

Phil began to watch the rest of the cows grazing in front of him. “Dan, I- I know you don’t like to talk about it, but… you really can talk to me. I know you think I’m just here for a story, but I- I’m not.”

“I’m really okay,” Dan replied, continuing to pet the cow.

“Dan, you just told me you wanted to be an animal when you were young because they were treated well here.”

Dan took a deep breath. He sat up straighter, crossing his legs as he brought a hand up to his mouth and started biting at a fingernail. “I… I can’t,” he said, and Phil could’ve sworn he heard his voice cracking.

Phil looked over at him. “You can’t what?” He asked.

“I can’t ris- risk things getting put into the article. Like, me freaking out about Jessica. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Then I won’t put it in the article,” Phil replied simply. “Anything you’re uncomfortable with me disclosing won’t be disclosed. I’m good to talk to, Dan, and I can… I can at least  _ try  _ to help.”

“No one’s ever helped,” Dan said with a humorless laugh. Phil could see his eyes looked glassy. He was trying not to cry. “No one’s ever done anything. Some have tried, but they can’t.”

Phil’s heart was racing now. There was something wrong with this place, he always felt it, but now he knew. “Dan, please talk to me. I can’t do anything if I don’t know what’s wrong.”

Just as Dan opened his mouth to speak, just as they were finally about to get somewhere, two men came into view. They passed right by Dan and Phil, heading out toward the horses, but it broke the moment. 

“We better get back,” Dan said, standing up. “They’ll be checking on the cows next.”

As if the cow somehow knew, she lifted her head from Phil’s lap.

“Dan,” he said, standing up beside him, “if there’s-”

“I’m fine,” Dan replied, putting on a smile. “It’s all fine. We need to head back and get ready for evening services.”

“I…” Phil let out a frustrated sigh. “Alright.”

The walk back to their houses was a silent one, but Phil’s world never felt so loud.

 

The church service that night was shorter than the morning one. Phil was happy about that. The pew made his butt go numb rather quickly, and he found himself squirming around more than what was probably socially acceptable.

Joshua’s service was on the importance of relying on God, even during our biggest struggles.

Sure, it wasn’t something Phil believed in, but it wasn’t the worst sermon in the world. 

Phil was never the type to cut anyone down for their beliefs, as long as it didn’t harm others. And, if God helped people deal with bad times, then who was he to try and get in the way?

Phil sat one pew behind Dan for the service so, after it was over and they were getting up to leave, Dan turned to talk to him.

“I was going to set up more interviews for us tomorrow,” Dan said. “I thought we’d go out to the fields and talk to some farmers as they work.”

“Well, that sounds great,” Phil replied, moving around to the first pew so some people could get to the aisle, “but I leave for a couple of days tomorrow.”

“Oh… Um, why’s that?”

“I need to go someplace with reliable wifi, honestly. I need to add notes to my laptop, and send some off to Will for him to look over. I need to call my mum too, because she likes to hear from me at least once a week.”

“You can do all that here,” Dan said quickly. “I mean, if you go to the office, there’s more reliable wifi and phone service there.”

“Yeah, but it’s still a lot slower than wifi at a motel.”

Dan took in a deep breath, glancing around before turning his attention back to Phil. “Does Joshua know about this?”

Phil nodded. “Yes, we discussed it this morning.”

“So you’ll only be here for like four days when you get back?”

“No,” Phil replied, shaking his head. “No, I’ll be here another full week.”

“Oh, okay, that’s… okay.” 

Phil reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper. “This is where I’ll be staying,” he said, handing the paper to Dan. “It’s only about ten minutes from here. I’m sure you won’t actually need the info but-” he shrugged, then smiled, “if I don’t come back, you’ll at least know where to send the police.”

Dan took the paper and placed it in the center of his Bible. He found it hard to force a smile on his face, but he did anyway. “When should I expect you back then?” He asked.

“Wednesday.”

Dan nodded, looking down at the Bible in his hands.

The church was nearly empty, so Phil reached out and squeezed his shoulder. “Hey, I’ll be back, okay?”

“Yeah, I know,” he replied, smiling up at Phil again. 

“I’ll see you soon,” Phil said. He gave Dan one last look before he turned to leave the church.

“See you soon,” Dan replied. He didn’t know why, but he was pretty sure his heart ached more and more with each step Phil took.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short chapter, but the next one should definitely make up for that! As always, thank you for the comments!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	11. 1 Corinthians 16:13

_ Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; _

_ be courageous; be strong. _

_ 1 Corinthians 16:13 _

 

Leaving God’s Guard felt both like taking your first breath when you’ve been underwater for too long, and the moment of panic you feel when you’re half asleep and think you’re falling out of bed.

He couldn’t wait to be connected to the rest of the world again. To talk to his mum, to talk to Will, to be able to Google things… He didn’t realize how much he enjoyed those simple pleasures until he didn’t have them for a while.

There was something else he needed to do though. Something that, to him, was more important than anything else.

He needed to find Jack Lincoln. 

He didn’t waste any time either. By the time his driver was exiting the long, dirt road into God’s Guard, Phil was taking out his phone to search his name.

Thankfully, better cell service existed right outside of the community. When they reached the main road, Google loaded and Phil began scrolling down to find who he was looking for.

It turns out the name Jack Lincoln is pretty common, so he had to add the name God’s Guard to it before he could get any answers.

A few articles popped up. Phil decided to click on one that appeared to be written by Jack himself. It was about God’s Guard, with sections on why he started it, what he did during that first year, and why he left.

Phil didn’t read any of it. He didn’t want to read it from an article. He wanted to hear it from Jack himself.

He continued scrolling until he reached the bottom of the article. There was a small link where you could email the author, so Phil clicked on it and quickly typed out a message before his driver reached the motel.

 

Once Phil was in the motel, he dropped his luggage and flopped down on the bed. 

One thing he had forgotten about was the fact he wouldn’t have to hear the Winder’s having sex for two nights. That wonderful thought made him close his eyes and relax for a moment.

He didn’t let the moment last too long, however, and he forced himself to sit up and get his phone out of his pocket.

He found the charger and plugged it in by a table, then sat down and called his mum.

“Phil!” She answered, sounding both excited and relieved. “It’s good to hear from you, Child.”

“Hi, Mum,” he replied, smiling even though she couldn’t see. It was just so nice to hear her voice.

“How have you been? Are they treating you well? Have you eaten anything? They’re not making you work outside too much are they? You know you overheat so quickly. Are-”

“Mum! Mum, I’m fine,” he interrupted. “I’m actually at a motel for a couple of days because wifi and cell service is so bad there. But, it’s been… It’s been fine so far.”

He heard her sigh through the phone. “What is it, Phil?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, I gave birth to you, Philip Michael. I know when your _fine_ doesn’t really mean fine.”

“I fail to see how those two things correlate, Mum.”

“Spill it.”

Phil rolled his eyes, leaning back in his chair. “I don’t really know,” he admitted. “I know something’s not right about the place, but I don’t know the whole story yet. I think I will before I leave though. There’s this boy- well, he’s not really a boy, he’s 26- and he takes me around everywhere, and… and I know something bothers him. I sort of know what it is, but not all of it. I don’t know, it’s really confusing.”

“I told you before, Dear, there are a lot of stories about that place. Has been for years.”

“I know, Mum. I just… I can’t rely on those stories, you know? Nothing has ever been proven, so I need to find out the truth. It may not even be that bad, you know? Maybe he’d just like to be out in the real world sometimes.”

“Do you really think that’s all it is?” Kathryn asked, already knowing the answer.

Phil paused. “No. No, I don’t.”

There was a tone on his phone alerting him to an incoming call. “Mum, I have to go,” he said quickly. “Someone from work is calling in. I’ll call you back later.”

“Alright, Dear. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

Phil switched the call over to the unknown number, hoping it was who he thought it would be. “Hello, this is Phil Lester.”

“Mr. Lester, this is Jack Lincoln. I received the email you sent to me. Would you really like to discuss God’s Guard in more detail?”

“I would love that, Sir,” Phil replied. “I’ve been staying at God’s Guard for a week, and I’ll go back on Wednesday for another week. I’d love to ask you some questions before I return, if that’s alright?”

“I live a couple of hours away now,” Jack replied, “but I have nothing to do today anyway. If you’d like, I’ll meet you in town. I take it you’re staying at the Fairlight Motel, since it’s closeby?”

“Yes, that’s where I am.”

“Okay. There’s a coffee shop a half mile down the road. It’s called Java Joe’s. Horrible name, but the coffee is good. I’ll meet you there at three.”

Phil was slightly shocked that setting up an interview with this man was so easy. Jack actually seemed eager to talk to him. Phil had expected a phone conversation at best.

“That’s wonderful. I’ll be there.”

“Alright. Good speaking with you, Mr. Lester.”

“Phil is fine, Sir. And it was good speaking with you as well. Thank you for your time.”

“If I can call you Phil, then you can call me Jack. See you at three.”

Jack hung up and Phil put his phone down. He took a few seconds to process what had just happened, then quickly got up and grabbed his notebook and pen. If he was going to be doing an in person interview, he needed to be prepared with questions.

 

Phil took a seat at the coffee shop, setting down his order of coffee with milk and two sugars. He got out his notebook and pen, setting them out neatly in front of him. 

Then, he waited.

His leg nervously shook up and down as he stared out the window. He wasn’t sure why he was so nervous. He had already basically lived inside the cult. This was just talking to the man who created it.

Okay, so maybe he did know why he was nervous.

A couple of minutes after Phil sat down, an older man entered the coffee shop. He had salt and pepper hair, cut short and neat. He was tall, taller than Phil, and had the best posture Phil had ever seen.

As the door shut behind him, he looked around until he spotted Phil. “I take it you’re Phil?” He said and, somehow, his voice sounded so much deeper in person.

Phil nodded. “Yes, that’s me.”

“I’m going to order something and I’ll be there.”

Phil let out a long, nervous breath, resting one hand over his leg to stop it from shaking.

Once Jack got his drink, he walked over to Phil and set the drink down.

Phil stood to shake his hand. “Nice to meet you,” he said.

“You too,” Jack replied with a smile. “Sit, sit. We’ve got lots to talk about.”

They both sat back down and Jack took a sip of his drink. “Are you planning on writing this all down?” He asked, pointing to Phil’s notebook.

“I was, yes,” Phil replied. “Is that a problem?”

Jack shook his head. “Not at all. It’s just… Your hands will probably get tired. I’ve got lots to say.”

Phil thought for a moment. “I could record it on my phone?” He suggested. “If you don’t mind.”

“That’s perfect.”

Phil set up the recording, then set the phone down on the table. “Okay, it’s going now. If you could just state your name, and then we’ll get started.”

“My name is Jack Lincoln, spelled L-i-n-c-o-l-n. I was the founder of God’s Guard.”

“Thank you,” Phil said. “First, I’d actually like to know how God’s Guard began?”

Jack fidgeted with his coffee cup for a second. “I started God’s Guard because I had a dream.” He let out a little laugh. “A stupid dream, I suppose. See, I had all this property. Owned every acre of that place. I wanted… I wanted a community for people who shared similar beliefs. I grew up in a small town myself; everyone knew one another. We all went to church on Sundays, the kids played together, the adults were all friends. As I grew up, that town changed. It grew and grew, and no one knew each other anymore.”

He leaned back in his seat. “I just wanted that again. I had property. I always wanted a farm and crops of my own, and I thought that I could build a whole town. A place where Christians could come and feel safe.”

He noticed Phil give him a questioning look. 

“I know how that sounds,” he said. “I know Christians aren’t being attacked or anything. I mean, I wanted a place where you didn’t have to lock your doors. A place where you could just go visit a neighbor and you didn’t have to worry about who was living next to you. A place where you didn’t have to fear, with the added bonus of everyone being Christians. Like I said before, stupid dream.”

“So, it wasn’t meant to be thought of as a cult?”

Jack shook his head. “No, although rarely ever do cults think they’re actually cults. Like I said, I wanted a close knit community. It was my mistake for adding religion into that. I thought… I thought it would be a place where like minded people could live in harmony with each other. Back then, the only reason we had a bad name was because you had to sign a letter stating you were a Christian before you could move in.”

“How did everything change so quickly? I was told you left a year after you started God’s Guard.”

“Yes, I did,” Jack replied. He took another sip of his coffee before continuing. “See, when I was running God’s Guard, everyone came and went as they pleased. There was no rule for that. The town itself was simple, and you didn’t have to leave if you wanted your life to be simple, but you  _ could  _ leave, for any reason. Vehicles were also allowed. People dressed however they wanted. Money was used. Everyone worked together for the sake of the community, but they got paid for their work too. It was just a  _ town.  _ And then, suddenly, it wasn’t anymore.”

“Could you elaborate?”

“Well, Joshua started out as a helper on my land. He’d work in the fields and make sure the houses were kept up. One day, I found out he had been telling people that he was gifted. He said he could make predictions through God. God would talk to him, directly, and tell him all these different things.”

Jack shook his head and ran his fingers through his hair. “I talked to him and told him to stop. He said he would, but he didn’t. I had lost control of the situation before I even knew there  _ was  _ a situation. People truly thought he was special. They thought he was chosen by God to lead them all.”

“Everyone there believed this?” Phil asked.

“Not everyone, but enough of them. I tried to force Joshua out, but people got upset with me. I was basically forced out instead. All within a year’s time.”

“How did he gain so many followers so quickly?” Phil questioned. “If it’s all just bull-” He quickly cut himself off.

“Bullshit?” Jack finished. “It’s okay, I won’t be offended.”

Phil nodded. “How did he get so many people to believe in his ‘gifts’?”

Jack leaned forward, folding his arms on the table. “Say a woman is pregnant, and she asks you to guess if it’s a boy or a girl. You say it’s a girl, then a few months later, she has a girl. Some people might laugh and say how neat it is that you guessed it, right?”

“Right.”

“Well, imagine doing that fifteen times, and all fifteen times, you’re right. You’re going to get even more people coming to you, wanting you to guess for them too.”

“So… So, he guessed if babies were going to be girls or boys?”

Jack laughed. “No. No, I’m just saying, he gave simple answers to simple questions, and it turned out that those things did eventually happen. People would ask if they were going to have a baby, he’d say yes. They’d get pregnant, he’d get the credit. I mean, duh, if you keep having sex, your chances of having a baby are going to go up. He’d say if people were going to get better, or if they weren’t. All he had to do was look at doctor records for that. Or open his eyes, for God’s sake! It’s easy to tell that a 90 year old woman isn’t going to survive pneumonia. It’s easy to tell that a whiny man is going to survive a stomach bug. He preyed on people during their weakest moments, and gave them hope. Even for the woman who died, he gave the family time to say goodbye. And that’s what he continues to do to this day.”

Phil thought back to some of his interviews. “Many of the people I’ve talked to so far said they came to God’s Guard after something bad happened in their life. It was like they were a moment from falling apart-”

“When he swooped in and saved them.”

Phil nodded. “Exactly.”

“That’s what he does. I called him out on it, and he got me kicked out. And I should’ve fought it. I could’ve fought it. But, I was so heartbroken that I didn’t have it in me, and I let it all go. That’s one of my biggest mistakes, second only to making God’s Guard in the first place.”

Phil took a sip of his now cold coffee. “Something I don’t understand is how there’s nothing keeping the people there, but no one ever wants to leave.”

“Sometimes, Phil, the tallest fences are in our minds.”

The thought hit Phil like a ton of bricks, and he suddenly understood why Dan didn’t just talk to him about his problems. 

“Your books are still there,” Phil said, needing to find something to say.

Jack shrugged. “I suppose that’s so the original members don’t get suspicious. Joshua is smart, Phil, a lot smarter than anyone gives him credit for. He covers his tracks and he covers them well.”

“Everyone has a weakness,” Phil replied.

“Well, I hope you find his.”

 

Phil’s meeting with Jack had been an eye-opener for sure. 

However, all of this new information only made him have more questions. 

Once Phil got back to his motel room, he began working on his notes. He wanted to get some bullet points written out so he could send them to Will before he headed back to God’s Guard.

He worked until nearly nine o’clock, then decided to order a pizza and watch some Netflix.

The pizza arrived at nine-thirty, and he settled into his bed to eat and watch Friends. 

He was on his second episode when he heard a knock at the door.

He paused the show, then waited to see if he was just hearing things.

When he heard the knock again, he set his laptop to the side and got out of bed.

He went to the door and looked out the peephole; his heart immediately began to race when he saw who was standing there.

He quickly unlocked and opened the door. “Dan?”

“Hi, Phil,” Dan replied, smiling at him. He swayed nervously from side to side. “Can I come in?”

“Um… Uh, s- sure.” Phil moved to the side, holding the door open for Dan.

Once Dan came in, Phil looked out the door to see if anyone else was around, then he closed and locked it. 

“Did you come here alone?” Phil asked.

Dan turned to him and nodded. “Yeah. I left out the side entrance, walked a couple of miles, then stopped a car and got them to drive me here.”

“Dan!” Phil exclaimed. “That’s unbelievably dangerous!”

“I didn’t have a phone. It’s all I could do.”

“I- What are you doing here, Dan?”

Dan wrung his hands together. “I thought… I thought that’s why you gave me your address.” He looked even more nervous now. “Was it not?”

“I… I didn’t think you’d actually use it.”

“Well… Surprise!”

That was an understatement.

Phil took a couple of steps toward Dan. “Um, does… does anyone know that you’re here?”

“Timothy,” Dan replied. “He’s covering for me. I told my parents I was staying at his house tonight.”

“Timothy?” Phil questioned. “You mean he was fine with you leaving God’s Guard? A place you haven’t left since you were six?”

Dan shrugged. “He was worried, of course, but he’s not going to tell or anything. Don’t worry.” Dan looked around the small room, stopping when his eyes met the pizza box on the bed.

“You ordered pizza?” He asked.

“Yeah.” Phil walked around Dan and sat back down at his spot on the bed. “It’s probably barely warm now, but you can have some if you want.”

Dan stepped closer to the bed, still staring at the box. “I haven’t had pizza since I was five,” he admitted. “I mean, Timothy’s mum makes homemade ones sometimes, but I know it’s not the same.”

“It’s probably better,” Phil said with a laugh.

Dan shook his head. “I doubt that.”

“Well, there’s three pieces left. Have what you want. I’ve also got,” he reached over and grabbed a drink off the nightstand, “Coke, if you want some.” He handed the drink to Dan, who took it and stared at it like it was an ancient artifact. “There’s cups and ice from the machine on the table.”

“I haven’t had soda in twenty years.” Dan took a deep breath. “You sure you don’t mind?”

“Of course not,” Phil answered. “Although, I probably should feel bad for offering you junk food after you’ve eaten healthy for twenty years.”

“Don’t.” 

Dan fixed himself a drink, then walked over to the bed. “Can I sit here?” He asked.

Phil nodded. “It’s much more comfortable than those chairs.”

Dan sat down, setting his drink on the nightstand, and then dragged the pizza box closer to him. Phil watched as he opened it like he was opening a treasure chest. “What kind is it?” Dan asked.

“Pepperoni, sausage, and mushroom.”

“Ours only ever had peppers and other vegetables on it,” Dan said, picking up a slice. “And it definitely never had this much cheese.”

“You might wanna take it easy then,” Phil said, “or your stomach may hate you later.”

“It’ll be worth it.”

Dan took a bite, leaning back against the headboard and closing his eyes as he chewed. “This is the best thing I’ve ever had in my entire life.”

Phil laughed. “I think I feel that way every time I eat pizza.”

“Imagine twenty years without it, Philip.”

Phil shivered slightly. “Wouldn’t want to. I’m eerily attached to my takeout orders.”

“I would be too.”

Dan opened his eyes and ate another bite, then noticed Phil’s laptop. “What’s that?” He asked.

“Oh, I was just watching a show.”

“What show?”

“It’s called Friends. It’s ended over ten years ago, but it’s a favorite of mine.”

“Can we watch it?”

“I don’t-” Phil paused. “I don’t know if you’ll like it. It’s not, um-”

“Christian?” Dan finished. He pulled the laptop closer, so it rested right between them. “Let’s watch it, Phil.”

“Okay.” Phil pressed play then settled into the bed. He was pretty sure he didn’t take a breath until he heard Dan laugh for the first time. He was so sure that Dan would be offended or hate the jokes, so it was nice to hear it him laugh.

It was always nice to hear him laugh.

 

They watched two episodes while Dan slowly ate. He wanted to savor every bite.

When he was done, and the episode finished, Phil stopped Netflix from starting the next one.

“Dan?” Phil began, looking over at him.

“Yeah?”

“Why are you here?” He made sure to keep his voice soft and gentle, so Dan wouldn’t think he was upset.

Dan stared down at the empty pizza box, then closed the lid and moved the box to the edge of the bed. “I haven’t left God’s Guard since I walked in that place.”

“I know,” Phil replied.

Dan rested his head against the headboard and looked over at Phil. “I’ve been there since I was six, and it was normal. That was my world, you know?”

Phil nodded, staying quiet.

“And today, everywhere I went, no matter what I did, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I just… I just needed a minute to breathe.”

“You don’t have to go back,” Phil said. “You can stay out here.”

Dan shook his head. “No, I have to go back. My whole life is there. I don’t… I have to go back. I just really needed this moment.”

Phil thought back to what Jack had said earlier, about creating fences in our mind that make it impossible for us to leave. 

That’s what was happening with Dan right now, except it seemed his fence did have an opening. Maybe not much of one, but one big enough to crawl through.

Phil could work with that.

Phil picked up his laptop and headed back to the Netflix menu. “If you’re going to watch Friends,” he said, “it’s better to start from the beginning.”

He pressed on the first episode, then set the laptop back down.

 

They watched episode after episode. It was just past midnight when Phil felt something touching his shoulder.

He glanced over to see that Dan was starting to doze off, his head falling onto Phil.

Phil couldn’t reach out pause the episode in fear that it would disturb Dan, so he stayed still. Dan needed some rest. Phil felt like he hadn’t gotten any good sleep in a long time.

 

The episodes continued to play until Netflix asked if Phil was still watching. 

He looked over at the clock on his bedside table and saw it was 2:41. 

He turned his head to see Dan, who was sound asleep. His head was still on Phil’s shoulder, and his mouth was open slightly. Phil couldn’t help but think of how cute he looked right now. 

Usually, he’d follow up a thought like that by internally telling himself off, as he had ever since he first saw Dan. 

But, he decided tonight that there was no real harm in having a silly crush on someone. It happened all the time to people. Of course he’d grow feeling for the person he was stuck with almost constantly while in a new, unfamiliar place.

That’s all it was.

A harmless crush.

Phil reached over and shook Dan's arm, reluctantly waking him up. “Dan? Dan, you need to wake up.”

Dan’s head popped up quickly. “What?” He said, blinking rapidly as he looked all around the room. “What’d I do?”

Phil smiled. “It’s nearly three. I don’t know when you need to go back home.”

Dan cracked his neck and rubbed his tired eyes. “I should go now,” he said through a yawn. “Sorry I fell asleep.”

“It’s fine,” Phil assured him. “I didn’t mind.”

“My neck did.” Dan lifted up a hand and rubbed at his neck.

“Yeah, you weren’t in the most comfortable position. I didn’t want to wake you though. Sorry.”

“Don’t be.” He  got up and stretched. “Do you mind if I use the restroom?”

“Of course not.” Phil got up and grabbed his phone off the table. “I’m calling you a car. I don’t want you riding with a random person.”

“Phil, you don’t-”

“I’m not listening.”

“I don’t have money t-”

“Go pee, Dan,” Phil said, lifting the phone to his ear and waving Dan off.

Dan rolled his eyes, but turned and headed into the bathroom.

 

It didn’t take long for the car to arrive. By the time Dan had used the restroom, fixed his hair and clothes, washed his face, and brushed his teeth with an extra toothbrush Phil had brought, the driver was waiting for him in the parking lot.

“Here’s cash for the ride,” Phil said, handing him some money as they stood outside the door. “Just hand him that and let him keep any extra.”

“I’ll pay you back on Wednesday. I mean, it’ll probably be a food payment of some kind, but…”

“Food payment is my favorite type of payment,” Phil said with a smile.

Dan smiled back at him, staring at him for a moment before moving forward and wrapping him up in a hug. “Thank you,” he said, his voice almost a whisper.

Once Phil pulled himself out of his shock, he hugged Dan back, his chin resting over Dan’s shoulder. “Anytime.”

After a hug that probably lasted too long, but somehow felt like not long enough, Dan pulled away.

“I’ll see you Wednesday, Philip.”

Phil gave him a little wave as Dan walked away. “See ya.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this long chapter made up for the previous short ones! I was so glad to get to introduce Jack to the story. I know some of y'all were wondering about him :)
> 
> Thank you all!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	12. Proverbs 17:22

_A cheerful heart is good medicine,_

_But a crushed spirit dries up the bones._

_Proverbs 17:22_

 

Getting work done the next day was almost an impossible task for Phil. He ended up sending Will the work he had finished the night before, in hopes that would be enough to hold him over for a week.

He couldn’t stop thinking about Dan.

He was worried about him, for many reasons.

The first reason was that he was willing to get in a strangers car and ask for a ride to a sketchy motel.

Second, that he was quick to let go of twenty years of eating and drinking natural, healthy food.

Third, that he didn’t seem the least bit concerned about watching Friends, which was definitely not something he was used to watching.

Fourth, that he laughed at jokes that Phil didn’t think he’d understand.

Fifth, that Dan looked more well rested after sleeping in this ratty motel for a couple of hours than he ever looked at God’s Guard.

Sixth, the hug Dan gave him felt like it was filled with something that he couldn’t describe. It made Phil never want to let go.

Seventh, he had to sneak back into God’s Guard without getting caught. Phil didn’t even want to think about what might happen if they realized he snuck out.

Not that he had any reason to believe they’d do anything.

That’s what he kept telling himself, at least.

Lastly, he worried about the fact that he wouldn’t get to make sure if Dan was okay for another day.

He would have to sit in this motel for another twenty-four hours, worrying until the moment he saw Dan again.

He thought about going back. He could call for a car and go back today, then he’d know now if Dan was okay.

It didn’t matter if he could have one extra night without hearing the Winder’s having sex. He needed to check on Dan.

Phil began packing up his things, but stopped himself when he was halfway through.

He couldn’t go back now. He wasn’t expected for another day, and he didn’t think Joshua would be too happy with him if he showed up out of nowhere.

He could call him, but that would be awkward and sound suspicious. He had already told Joshua he had a lot of work to catch up on, and it wouldn’t really be believable that he’d finished it already.

Because he hadn’t finished it.

But he probably wasn’t going to.

He was having way too many thoughts at once. He couldn’t focus, and his brain felt like it was about to explode.

He rubbed at his temples and laid down on the bed. If he wasn’t going to get any work done, he might as well sleep.

 

Dan spent the day avoiding Joshua any way he possibly could.

It wasn’t that he feared Joshua would be able to figure out he had left. It was just, last night had been a good night, and he’d like to stick with that feeling for as long as he could.

At lunch, he met Timothy by the tree, as he had promised. It had been too late for them to talk when Dan got back. Timothy needed his rest for work, and Dan wasn’t going to be responsible for him falling asleep on the job. So, he had made a late night promise to tell him everything over lunch.

And Timothy made sure he stuck to it.

“Tell me everything,” Timothy said, sitting down in front of Dan. He crossed his legs and reached over, taking an apple from Dan.

“I was in a tiny motel room most of the time,” Dan started.

Timothy’s eyebrows raised.

“Don’t start, Timothy.”

“Sorry, sorry. Keep going.”

“Well, I mean, when I first left, I walked for a while. Then, cars kept coming by, so I waved one down and asked for a ride to Phil’s motel.”

“You could have been murdered!” Timothy exclaimed.

“But I wasn’t. Anyway, Phil was shocked when I knocked on the door. He hadn’t expected me to leave.”

“I don’t blame him,” Timothy replied, taking a bite of the apple. “I didn’t expect you to leave either.”

“Don’t talk with a full mouth,” Dan scolded. He took a moment to look at the land around him, letting out a sigh. “I just felt so free, you know? It’s so different from here.”

“Are the trees greener?”

Dan gave him a curious look. “No.”

“Are the buildings brighter?”

“Not really… Why?”

Timothy shrugged. “I just always pictured everything out there looking brighter than in here.”

“Well… It was dark, so that might be why.”

“Yeah, maybe. What did you do with Phil?”

Dan’s face lit up and he scooted closer to Timothy. “He had pizza and soda there, so I ate and drank that.”

“Was it good?” Timothy asked with wide eyes.

“It was so good. I would’ve brought you back a piece but I don’t know if it would’ve stayed fresh.”

Timothy shook his head. “No, that’s alright.”

“I could…” Dan’s voice trailed off as he thought. “I could bring you back something tonight.”

Timothy stared at Dan. “Tonight? What do you mean?”

“I could go back. I could get you some soda, or pizza, or anything you want.”

“I don’t need anything.”

“You don’t know how good soda is, Timothy.”

Timothy finished the last of the apple, then threw the core as far as he could. He knew something would pick it up and eat it eventually. “Daniel?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you just _want_ to go back?”

Dan looked down at his hands, nervously picking at his fingernails. “I- I don’t know. I… Tonight would be the last night, you know?”

“Daniel, you can tell me the truth. You know you can.”

Dan looked up, staring into Timothy’s eyes. “I really, really want to go back.”

“I’ll cover for you.”

“Why don’t you come with me?” Dan asked. “We could go together.”

Timothy shook his head. “Nah. I’m fine here. You go though, and remember every detail for me.”

Dan smiled. “I will.”

 

“Why are you calling me so late?”

“Well, hello to you too, Phil.”

Phil rolled his eyes. “Hello, Will. Why are you calling me so late?”

“It’s half past eleven. You’re always up at this time.”

“I know, but you’re not.”

Will sighed. “I’ve been looking over your notes- which you didn’t have to send to me, by the way- and I’m confused.”

“Welcome to my life for the past week,” Phil replied. He got up from the table, unplugged his phone, and walked over to the bed. “What are you confused about?” He asked, plopping down onto the bed.

“One of the notes is just ‘Joshua sounds like a dick but I don’t know all the ways.’”

“Mhm.”

“Well… What’s that mean?”

“It means that Joshua, the leader of God’s Guard, sounds like a dick. I just don’t know all the ways he _is_ a dick yet.”

“Okay. So, is that the headline you’re going with? Joshua, Leader of God’s Guard, A Dick, But I’m Not Sure How.”

“Of course not,” Phil replied. “That’s much too long a title.”

Will groaned. “Phil.”

“Look, Will, I’ve got another week. I feel like a broken record, but I know something is going on there, I just don’t know what yet. I mean, I know more than I did after talking to Jack, but not everything.”

“But you _will_ find out everything?”

“Sir, yes, Sir.”

“You’re a dick.”

Phil smiled. “Now you’re plagiarizing my work.”

“Paraphrasing is more like it.”

“Is that the only note you’re having a problem with?”

“Of course it’s not, Phil,” Will replied, and Phil could hear him turning a piece of paper. “You wrote, ‘Dan will get there. Good teeth.’”

“Oh.” Phil paused. “Yeah, the first part just means I think he’ll eventually open up.”

“And the second part?”

“That was more of a… personal thought. Sorry, I’ve been distracted.”

“Really? Couldn’t tell.”

“Shut up.”

Will laughed. “Okay, well, when you’re done checking out this guy’s teeth, make sure your personal notes are good enough for you to remember what the hell they mean.”

“I’ll do-” Phil stopped, hearing a knock on the door.

“Did you cut out?”

“No, I- Hold on.”

Phil got up and walked over to the door. He looked through the peephole and closed his eyes, resting his forehead against the door. “Will, I gotta go.”

“What’s up?”

“Good teeth.”

“What’s that m-”

Phil hung up the phone and opened the door. “Dan, you’re back.”

“That. I. Am. Philip. That. I. Am,” he replied, making each word its own sentence.

Phil immediately knew something was wrong. “Come in,” he said, moving to the side.

Dan staggered in, briefly holding onto the wall for support before he walked over to the bed and sat down. “This room… blurry,” he said, motioning around.

Phil stepped closer to him, trying to make eye contact with Dan. “Are you drunk?” He asked.

“I had a drink… or two… or four.”

Phil rubbed his hands over his face. “Oh my God, Dan! How the hell did you get alcohol?”

“I asked for a ride,” Dan said, his words slurring, “and the man said I’ll take you to Peter’s Pub. I said, I not want to go to Peter’s Pub, I want Fairfight-”

“Fair _light.”_

“Right! Fair _light_ Motel. He says it’s close, I can walk. Then, at pub, he offers to get me a drink.”

“Why would you accept?”

Dan looked at Phil like he was crazy. “Because I was thirsty?”

Phil closed his eyes and sighed. “Dan, you don’t accept rides or drinks from strangers! How’d you get served without an ID?”

“I have ID! No license, because we don’t drive in God’s Guard,” he said with a laugh. “But I have ID.”

“Did you know there was alcohol in your drink?”

Dan nodded a bit too hard. “I was informed, yes. But, drink was fruity, and tasted very nice.” He finished the sentence with a thumbs up.

“You shouldn’t have done that, Dan,” Phil replied. “Your first time drunk and you were alone with complete strangers. You could’ve been murdered!”

Dan shrugged. “But I wasn’t.”

Phil shook his head. He walked over to his table and grabbed a bottle of water, opened it, and took it back to Dan. “Drink this.”

“What will this do?” Dan asked, staring down at the bottle.

“Probably not much now,” Phil admitted. “But it’s better than nothing.”

Dan drank half of the bottle, then set it down on the nightstand. “Come sit with me, Phil!” He said. He kicked off his shoes, then turned so his back was against the headboard and his legs rested on the bed.

Phil walked over to the other side of the bed and sat down, staring at him. “I need you to talk to me, Dan. I need you to talk to me, and don’t you dare tell me you’re fine.”

Dan groaned and rolled his eyes. “I just needed… I needed experience. I needed to experience life, like on Friends! They do things, you know? Life. I want to go to New York, like on Friends.”

“Friends isn’t real, Dan.”

“Ugh! I know that, Philip! But New York is real, and other people who aren’t Friends live their life.”

Phil was confused. “You’re not making much sense. Maybe we shouldn't talk right now.”

“Oh, no, we should! I’m not really _drunk_ drunk,” he explained. “I’m tipsy.”

“Mm… Okay, sure.”

Dan scooted down on the bed until he was lying down, staring up at the ceiling. “I don’t want to get married, Philly.”

That nickname was new.

“I know you don’t.”

“I don’t want to do things with _her._ It’s… It’s icky.”

“You don’t have to, Dan. You can say no.”

Dan turned onto his side and stared up at Phil. He reached over and began tugging on the sleeve of his t-shirt. “Lay down here,” he said, “so I don’t have to stare up so much. Eyes’re too heavy.”

Being pretty sure that Dan would never stop tugging on his shirt, and being very curious as to what Dan had to say, Phil scooted down so he was also lying on his side.

“Okay. Now what?”

Dan stared at him. He just kept staring. It felt like minutes passed by of nothing but staring.

Phil was about to look away, or get up, but then Dan reached out and laid a hand over his cheek. “Maybe I could pretend,” he said, his voice soft and low.

“P- Pretend what?” Phil asked, trying to ignore the fact that Dan’s thumb was gently rubbing back and forth over his cheek.

“Pretend it’s you.”

“Pretend what’s me?” His voice was shaking slightly now.

“When I’m with her,” he replied. Phil knew he had to be completely wasted, because there wasn’t a moment of hesitation in his words. “I could close my eyes and pretend you’re there. You’re pretty, Philly. Pretty Philly.” He smiled. “That’s what people should call you.”

Phil's heart felt like it was breaking. “Dan, I… I didn’t know it was this bad. I didn’t know you felt like that.”

“It’s like I’m Carol,” Dan said, his eyes widening, “and she’s Ross, but I don’t want to be with Ross. I want to be with Susan.”

Phil placed his hand over Dan’s, gently lifting it off his cheek and placing it on the bed between them. “Dan, I honestly didn’t know you felt that way. I’m so sorry.”

Dan scooted closer to Phil, and Phil felt paralyzed. He could feel Dan’s curly hair brushing up against his forehead as Dan’s nose began to nudge at Phil’s.

They were so close that Phil could feel Dan’s breath on his face, and could smell the mixture of fruit and alcohol.

Alcohol.

Because Dan was drunk.

And that’s what helped Phil move again. He pushed himself back from Dan, then sat up. “What are you doing?” He asked, knowing good and well exactly what Dan was doing.

Dan’s eyes widened as he began to register what he had done. He quickly sat up, putting his head in his hands when he realized what a mistake that was.

“I’m so sorry,” he spoke in a rush. “I’m so, so sorry. I thought, with the things you’ve said before,” he lifted his head back up but avoided eye contact, “I thought you were… like me. I’m so sorry.” Dan got up off of the bed, and Phil knew he was going to try and leave, so he got up and hurried over to him.

“Hey, hey,” he said, taking hold of Dan’s shoulders, “look at me.”

Dan continued to stare at the ground.

“Please, look at me, Dan.”

Slowly, Dan lifted his head to look at Phil. His eyes were glassy, and he looked like he was on the verge of breaking down.

“Thank you. Dan, believe it or not, you’re drunk, okay? That’s why I can’t kiss you. It has nothing to do with anything else, because you’re not wrong.”

Dan blinked a few times, his chest heaving up and down. “I’m not?”

“You’re not.”

Dan closed his eyes briefly, before looking at Phil again. “I think I’m drunk.”

Phil nodded. “I agree.”

“The room is kinda spinny again.”

“Why don’t you lay back down?” Phil suggested, moving to put a hand on Dan’s back and guide him to the bed. “I’ll wake you up in a few hours.”

Dan fell right back into the bed, curling up on his side.

“Thank you,” he muttered, his eyes already closing by the time Phil walked to his side of the bed. “G’night.”

Phil sat down, bringing a hand to Dan’s hair and gently running his fingers through it. It was something his mum always did for him when he was young and didn’t feel well.

“Goodnight, Dan.”

 

Dan woke up feeling warm.

His head was pounding, and he was slightly nauseous, but he was warm.

He yawned and stretched, then realized he felt a slight pressure around his waist.

He slowly opened his eyes, looking around for a moment before realizing where he was. There was an arm hooked around him, which was the source of his warmth, and when he looked back, he saw Phil curled up behind him.

He was slightly confused, but couldn’t find it in him to care at the moment.

Until he realized that light was streaming in from the windows.

And if it was light outside, that meant it was no longer the middle of the night, and he should have been home hours ago.

He jumped up, moving faster than he ever had in his life.

“Fuck!” He yelled. “Fucking shit!”

“Huh?” Phil grumbled, slowly coming out of his sleep. “Wha’ happen?”

“It’s morning!” Dan yelled, running around the room.

“What?!” Phil exclaimed, looking over at the clock.

7:54am shined brightly back at him.

“Oh my God! Dan, I fell asleep!”

“No shit!” Dan replied. “There they are.” He grabbed up his shoes after the fourth time of walking past them and quickly put them on.

Phil would’ve been surprised by the fact Dan was cursing if weren’t for the nightmare situation at hand.

“Dan, I’m so sorry,” Phil said, getting up and walking behind Dan as he raced for the door.

“It’s fine. Not your fault,” Dan replied. He jerked the door open and hurried over to the stairs.

“Wait!” Phil yelled, causing Dan to stop and turn back toward him. “Let me call you a car.”

“There’s no time for that,” Dan replied. “I have to go.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I’ll run.”

“Dan, you’re hungover! You look like you’re about to barf.”

“I think there’s good reason for that, Phil!” Dan replied. “I’ll figure out a way back. Can I go now?”

Phil took a step closer to him, quieting his voice. “Are you gonna be okay?”

“I... I don’t know. Hopefully,” Dan answered honestly. “But I really have to go.”

Phil nodded. “Okay. I’ll be there soon.”

By the time Phil had finished his sentence, Dan was already heading down the stairs.

Phil went back into his room and leaned against the door. He couldn’t believe he had screwed up so bad.

He also couldn’t believe what had almost happened last night.

He wondered if Dan even remembered.

Phil knew it would probably be better if Dan didn’t remember, but a piece of him still hoped he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my gift to all of you for Phil's birthday lol! I hope you enjoyed :)
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	13. Proverbs 4:23

_ Above all else, guard your heart, _

_ for everything you do flows from it. _

_ Proverbs 4:23 _

 

When Phil returned to God’s Guard, Gerald was waiting for him at the entrance instead of Dan.

“Hello,” Phil greeted as he walked up to Gerald with his luggage. He tried to keep his voice steady; tried to make sure he didn’t sound nervous or upset.

“Hello, Phil,” Gerald replied. “I was instructed to meet you here and make sure you arrived safely.”

Gerald promptly turned and began walking into the compound. 

Phil grabbed onto his luggage and hurried behind Gerald. “Where’s Daniel?” He asked.

“Why does that matter?” Gerald asked, not even bothering to look back at Phil.

“Oh, it doesn’t,” Phil responded quickly. “He’s just been my guide the whole time, so I figured he’d be the one to meet me here.”

“He’s busy with Joshua,” Gerald answered. Phil could have sworn he heard irritation in Gerald’s voice simply from having to answer a question.

Gerald and Phil hadn’t been around each other very much since Phil arrived. He wasn’t someone Phil had interviewed yet and, from the way this little conversation was going, he wouldn’t get much out of Gerald when they  _ did  _ talk.

“Oh, I was, um, I was actually going to go talk to Joshua and let him know I was back.”

“Not necessary,” Gerald replied shortly. “He’ll know you're back when I go tell him.” 

They reached the ended of the wooded road and Gerald stopped. “I believe you can get back to the Winder’s from here?” He asked, looking at Phil in a way he could only describe as a judgmental glare.

“Y- Yes, I can. Thank you.”

“Have a good day.” Before Phil even had the chance to respond, Gerald was walking off and heading for the office.

 

After getting re-settled in at the Winder’s, and forcing down a huge lunch that Kay made for him, all Phil could do was wait to see if Dan was okay.

He thought about going for a walk around town until he found Dan himself, but then he realized it would be easier to wait at the house until Dan came to him.

He hoped Dan would come to him.

He hoped Dan wasn’t in trouble. Phil wondered what would happen to him if anyone found out what he had done.

He worried about Timothy as well. If anyone found out he was covering for Dan, would he be in trouble too?

And what did “getting in trouble” actually entail here? Was it a verbal scolding? Did they get a mark on a piece of paper? Were their sins called out in the middle of a church service?

Dan looked so worried when he left the hotel earlier. There was no way a punishment wouldn’t exist for something like this.

Just as he was letting his concerns get the better of him, he saw Dan walk past the front window. 

Phil jumped up, reaching the door before Dan even had a chance to knock.

“Dan,” Phil breathed out. He looked him up and down, making sure every body part was in its proper place. “How are you?”

“Fine,” Dan replied. He gave Phil a tight smile. “I’ve got some interviews set up for you today. Would you like to get going?”

Phil gave Dan a questioning look, but nodded. “Okay. Sure.”

He grabbed his satchel from the couch, then headed out with Dan. 

“Are you okay?” Phil asked once they were away from the house and any other people. 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Dan answered simply. He stared straight ahead, keeping his focus on anything but Phil.

“So, no one found out about-”

“Everything’s fine, Philip,” Dan interrupted. “Let’s get to the Fallon’s house.”

For some reason, Dan completely blowing Phil off irritated him. It wasn’t just that Dan didn’t want to talk about it, it was that he was acting like Phil was a total stranger. It was worse than the first day he arrived. Dan seemed friendlier on that day than he did now.

Phil stopped walking, and Dan did too when he noticed a couple of steps later.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m… I- It’s pointless,” Phil replied with a shrug.

Dan walked back to him. “What’s pointless?”

“Just… I don’t know, trying, I guess? It’s- No one’s going to talk to me. No one’s ever going to tell me the truth!” His voice grew louder as he spoke. “Everyone feeds me the same basic stories and that’s all they’re going to do!”

“Are you okay?” Dan asked, looking a bit concerned.

“Me? Oh, I’m  _ fine.  _ That’s what we say here, right? Even when our entire lives are falling apart, all we do is say we’re fine!”

“Phil, you need to calm down,” Dan said, looking around to make sure no one was nearby. “You’re being overdramatic.”

Phil gave him an incredulous look. “Are you serious?” He asked. “I mean, I get it if you don’t remember last night, at least not fully, but surely you remember this morning? Surely, you’d understand why I was asking you if you were okay? Surely, by now, you’d be able to be a bit more honest with me than just saying you’re fine.  _ Surely-” _

Dan took hold of Phil’s arm and led him over toward the creek. “Let’s stop saying surely, alright? It doesn’t even sound like a word anymore.” Once they were in a more private spot, Dan let go of Phil. “Now what’s with this breakdown?”

Phil shook his head, turning to stare out at the creek instead of Dan. “I guess after your breakdown last night, it was time for mine today.”

“I- I’m sorry about all that,” Dan said, rubbing at the back of his neck. “I shouldn’t have done what I did.”

“Dammit, Dan.” Phil never felt so frustrated before. What made it worse was the fact he had to keep reminding himself he’d only known Dan for a little over a week. He didn’t understand how he could feel so strongly for a person he’d only just met. How could it feel like you’d known a person forever? How could it feel like all you wanted was for them to have everything  _ they _ wanted?

He looked back at Dan. “I don’t care that you came to me,” he began. “I care that I had to worry about you all morning because I didn’t know if someone had found out what you did. I care that I came back here and all I was told is that you were with Joshua and I had no idea what he might have been doing to you. I care that you spent two nights sneaking out and coming to see me, but when we’re back here, you act like we barely know each other. You won’t even be honest with me. All you do is tell me over and over that you’re fine, but nothing you ever say or do makes it sound like your fine. I care about you, Dan, but I can’t read your mind and it seems like that’s all you want me to do.”

Dan didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know if there was anything he could say. So, he stayed silent.

“I think… I think I’m gonna go home.”

Dan’s eyes widened. “What?”

“There’s just no point in me being here, Dan. I can get the rest of the information I need from outside sources. I’ll talk to past members, look on the website, stuff like that. I don’t think I need to be here.”

“No!” Dan exclaimed suddenly.

“No, what?”

“No… Just, no. Don’t go.” Dan felt like he was a moment away from completely falling apart. He actually had an image of himself falling to his knees and begging Phil to stay if he had to.

He really hoped it wouldn’t come to that.

“Please,” Dan continued, “please, I know I’m a mess. I know I- I’m not honest with you like I should be, but it’s different for me. It’s harder for me, and this is… I don’t… Just  _ please  _ stay.”

Phil could see the desperation in Dan’s eyes. He could see a pain beyond anything he could comprehend. 

Phil knew it would be impossible to say no to him.

“Okay,” he replied. “Okay, I’ll stay.”

Dan let out a breath, briefly closing his eyes to calm himself down. “Thank you.”

“I guess we should, um, do the interviews anyway. So it doesn’t seem like I’m ignoring people.”

Dan nodded. He reached up to make sure his hair was in place, then rubbed his hands over his eyes, getting rid of the moisture there. “Yeah, that’s a good idea. Let’s go.”

 

That night at Wednesday service, Dan sat down by Phil instead of his usual spot in the front row.

It was only one row back, but it still seemed odd to Phil.

Dan said a polite hello to the Winder’s, then settled into his seat, placing his Bible in between him and Phil.

“Today was nice,” Dan said to Phil quietly as they waited for the sermon to start.

It _had_ been a nice day, after Phil’s slightly embarrassing breakdown. Phil did a couple of interviews, and Dan admitted by the end that the stories truly didn’t seem to differ much from one person to the next.

They had a snack out by the tree and shared memories from when they were young. 

There were a few moments where Phil had to stop himself from staring at Dan for too long. And a few moments where Phil wondered if Dan was making himself do the same thing.

They didn’t get into any serious discussions. Phil knew it wasn’t the right time for that now. He needed to remember to be patient, and let Dan take the lead. 

“It was very nice,” Phil replied. “I hope I didn’t bore you with all of my childhood stories.”

“Oh, not at all,” Dan assured him. “I loved hearing them.”

“I loved hearing yours too.”

There wasn’t much time for small talk as Gerald came out from the back room and walked up to the podium to quiet the congregation.

Joshua came out soon after and, once the standing and sitting and standing and singing and sitting was all finished, everyone sat back down to listen to the service.

As Joshua read a verse for everyone to open their Bible’s and turn to, Dan picked his Bible up and scooted closer to Phil.

Phil glanced over at him questioningly as Dan’s leg pressed up against his.

“We can share,” Dan mouthed, opening the Bible and placing it over their legs.

Phil nodded, letting out a shaky breath.

The problem wasn’t so much sharing the Bible as it was the fact Dan was holding the Bible from underneath, causing his knuckles to graze against Phil’s thigh on occasion.

Phil thought it was an accident at first. Just harmless movement that Dan didn’t mean anything by.

Then he realized it was less of an occasional graze and more of a consistent rub back and forth.

And suddenly the church felt a lot warmer.

Phil put his hand under the Bible and over Dan’s hand, stopping the movement.

He looked over at Dan, who appeared to be nervous. 

Extremely nervous.

He was probably worried he’d done something wrong, and now he was too scared to even look at Phil.

Phil wanted him to know that he hadn’t done anything wrong, it was simply  _ too  _ _right_ for the place they were currently occupying.

He gave Dan’s hand a gentle squeeze, then moved his own hand down between them on the pew.

A few seconds later, Dan’s hand covered over his. 

They weren’t really holding hands. Dan’s was basically just laying on top of Phil’s. 

It still felt like a lot though. 

Dan’s soft skin over Phil’s, his fingertips lightly brushing against Phil’s fingers, the occasional scratch of a bitten-short fingernail, all hidden underneath Dan’s Bible.

It was a lot to take in.

And Phil couldn’t be blamed if he didn’t hear a single word that Joshua said that night.

 

After church, Dan and Phil went their separate ways without saying more than “goodnight” to one another.

Once Phil got back to the Winder’s, he went upstairs for a shower, then sat own on his bed and mentally prepared himself to hear Kay and Jeb have sex.

Sure enough, their nightly ritual hadn’t changed a bit since his two nights of being away. He got his phone and turned on some music, but it wasn’t enough to drown out the sounds.

Thankfully, it didn’t last too long, and Phil was left with some calming instrumental music to help lull him to sleep.

He definitely needed the help to sleep tonight.

He couldn’t stop thinking about Dan in the church. That was a bold move to make, whatever type of move it was. 

Phil decided he needed a holiday after this. A long holiday, somewhere tropical. Somewhere that he didn’t have to think. Somewhere where cults didn’t exist, and cute men didn’t exist, and Dan’s face wouldn’t be the only thing he saw when he closed his eyes.

Just as he was about to fall asleep, he heard something hit the window outside of his room.

He froze, his eyes wide, as he waited to see what the noise could be.

Another hit to the window brought him out of his bed.

He slowly cracked open a curtain, squinting as his eyes adjusted to the darkness outside.

Dan was standing there, with something in his hand. Pebbles, Phil supposed. He waved up at Phil, then motioned for him to come down.

Phil nodded, gave him a thumbs up, then left out of the room.

He was suddenly incredibly thankful that the Winder’s were almost completely deaf. The door was squeaky, and the stairs were too, but he knew they wouldn’t be able to hear. They were probably sound asleep by now anyway.

Phil opened the front door just as Dan walked up to it.

“Hi,” Dan whispered, a little grin on his face.

“Hi,” Phil whispered back. “What are you doing here?”

Dan looked around, making sure no one else was out on the street. “Can I come in?”

Although hesitant, Phil moved to the side and let Dan in. “Let’s go up to the room,” he said. He couldn’t risk Jeb or Kay coming out for water or a late snack and seeing Dan. There would be too many questions.

Dan followed Phil up the stairs and into the bedroom, then he closed the door behind them.

“So,” Phil began, standing awkwardly at the end of the bed, “um, why are you here?”

“I just… I needed-” Dan took a deep breath. “I needed to ask you something,” he let out in a rush.

“Okay… What?”

“Were you serious, um, last night?”

The mere mention of the night before had Phil’s heart racing. “Serious about what?”

Dan sighed. “Are you really going to make me say it?”

“Dan, you were pretty drunk last night, okay? I have no idea what you do or don’t remember. I’m sorry, but you’re gonna have to help me out here.”

Dan’s mouth suddenly felt dry. He bit at his bottom lip as he took a couple of steps closer to Phil. “You said… You said you couldn’t,” Another deep breath. “You said you couldn’t kiss me because I was drunk, and that was the only reason.”

Boy, drunk Dan  _ did _ have a good memory.

It took a second for Phil to find his voice. “Y- Yes. Yes, I was serious.”

Dan nodded, letting out what appeared to be a sigh of relief. “Okay, cause as embarrassing as last night was for me,” he took another step toward Phil, “I was serious too.”

“What about?” Phil’s voice was lower now, and his eyes kept glancing down to Dan’s lips.

“Please, don’t make me say it,” Dan begged. It was like his eyes were piercing right into Phil’s soul. Phil couldn’t have looked away from him if he tried.

But, he wasn’t trying.

“I’m sorry,” Phil replied. “I just have to know that we’re really on the same page. Life’s been a bit confusing since I got here.”

Dan let out a little laugh. One more step toward him and Dan was close enough to lean his forehead against Phil’s. Phil closed his eyes as Dan reached a hand up to his face, gently rubbing his thumb over Phil’s cheek.

And then Dan’s lips were on his. They were barely there, ghosting over him almost, but it was still enough for him to feel tingles all over his body.

He pressed in closer to Dan, deepening the kiss for the briefest moment before pulling away.

Dan opened his eyes slowly. If he wasn’t breathing hard before, he definitely was now.

“That was, um, that was good,” Dan said, clearing his throat.

Phil nodded. “Yes, it was.”

“Can I do it again?” Dan asked, a surge of adrenaline running through his veins.

Phil responded by leaning in and kissing Dan. 

Dan let out a little moan at the sudden contact, but he returned his hand to Phil’s cheek and pulled him even closer.

And then Phil’s arms were around his waist, and his whole body felt like it was on fire but it was somehow the best feeling in the world.

Phil wasn’t sure exactly when it happened, but at some point tongues had been introduced to the equation. And the next thing he knew, they were stumbling back onto the bed. Dan was lying on top of him, making it harder to breathe, but not a single piece of him wanted Dan to move.

But things were getting heated very fast, and Phil knew he couldn’t keep going without talking to Dan first.

“Wait,” he mumbled, Dan’s lips still attached to his. 

Dan pulled back from him slightly. “What?”

Phil brought his hands up to Dan’s forearms and wiggled out from under him. “I needed to stop for a second,” he said, staring up at the ceiling.

“Why?” Dan asked. “Did I do too much?”

“No, no,” Phil replied quickly, shaking his head. “I didn’t want you to want to stop and me not stop so I stopped… Does that make sense?”

“I didn’t want to stop,” Dan replied, not answering his question. “Unless you want to stop? Did you want to stop?”

Phil looked over at Dan. He couldn't stop thinking about how Dan's eyes were the prettiest brown eyes he'd ever seen. “I didn’t want to stop,” he admitted.

Dan laid a hand over Phil’s chest, giving him a peck on the lips. “Then don’t stop,” he whispered.

_ Fuck. _

“Will you tell me?” Phil asked. “If you want to stop, will you tell me?”

“As long as you tell me.”

Phil nodded. “Okay.”

 

When Phil woke up the next morning, the first thing he saw was Dan’s back facing him.

They were both lying on their sides, their bottom halves covered by a sheet.

Phil couldn’t believe Dan was beside him, naked, and sound asleep. It was impossible not to think about the night they had. They didn’t do  _ everything. _ It wasn’t like Phil came prepared with condoms and lube for this trip, but they definitely did enough.

Far more than Phil ever expected to do.

But he didn’t regret a single second of it.

He hoped Dan wouldn’t either.

Phil reached back and grabbed his glasses off of the nightstand. He put them on, then turned back to Dan.

He went to cuddle up to him, but paused when he saw something on Dan’s back.

Propping himself up on his elbow, he took a closer look.

There were marks all over him. They weren’t scratches; Phil definitely hadn’t done anything like that last night. In fact, Dan had laid on his back once their shirts had come off, and he didn’t turn onto his side until after Phil turned all the lights out.

These looked like scars from healed wounds. 

Phil reached out and gently ran his hand over them. They were slightly raised from the rest of his skin, almost like he had been lashed.

The touch must’ve woken Dan up, because he started to move. Phil retracted his hand and Dan turned over to face him, a smile on his face. “Hi,” he said, his voice groggy.

“Hi,” Phil replied. “Sleep well?”

Dan nodded. “You?”

“Yeah, I did.”

Dan moved forward to kiss Phil, but Phil stopped him by putting a hand over his chest. “Dan-”

“What? Is it morning breath?” He asked. “I can go brush really quick first.”

Phil shook his head. He sat up and turned slightly to face Dan. “I have to ask you something.”

Dan's smile fell. “What?”

"Before you woke up, I- I saw something on your back. Scars or something, and I was wondering-” Phil stopped mid-sentence when he saw all color drain from Dan’s face. “What’s wrong? What is it?”

“I- I need to go.” Dan threw back the sheet and quickly got out of bed. He walked around the room, grabbing up his clothes and throwing them on as best as he could.

“Wait,” Phil said. “Are you serious?!” He got up out of bed, then stood in front of the door before Dan could leave out.

“Please move, Phil,” Dan said. His shoes were in his hands and his shirt was only halfway buttoned. Phil was pretty sure he hadn’t even zipped up his pants yet.

“No, I want you to talk to me, Dan. If you’re being hurt-”

“I  _ cannot  _ do this right now,” Dan replied. “Please, move.”

“So we’re going back to that again? Back to you making me piece everything together? After all of this? After all we’ve  _ done  _ together?”

Dan closed his eyes. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, then looked at Phil. “I’m not saying I  _ won’t  _ tell you, Philip. I’m saying, I can’t right now, in the Winder’s home, at 6:30 in the morning, with you standing in front of me  _ naked.” _

It was only then that Phil remembered he was, in fact, completely naked. “Oh,” he said. “Oh, okay. Um, sorry.”

“No, I get it. Just,” he reached out and took Phil’s hand in his, giving it a squeeze, “meet me by the tree at noon, okay?”

Phil nodded. “Alright.” He moved away from the door so Dan could leave.

Dan gave him a kiss on the cheek. “Thank you,” he whispered to him.

“Thank  _ you,”  _ Phil replied.

Dan gave him one final smile, then walked out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was so nervous about writing this chapter, but this is always how I wanted the story to go and I didn't want to change it out of fear. I hope you guys liked it and continue to enjoy this fic!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	14. 1 Corinthians 13:13

_ And now these three remain: _

_ faith, hope, and love. _

_ But the greatest of these is love. _

_ 1 Corinthians 13:13 _

 

Phil was standing by the tree at noon, just as Dan had asked him to do.

He waited anxiously for a few minutes. The longer it took Dan to get there, the more Phil felt like he was about to be stood up. 

He was just about to sit down when he heard someone walking up behind him.

“Hey,” Dan said as Phil turned to see who was there.

“Hey,” Phil replied. He couldn’t help but smile at Dan. “How are you?”

Dan smiled back at him. “I’m good. You?”

Phil nodded. “I’m good too.”

“Wanna go for a walk?” Dan asked, already walking past Phil to head down the hill.

“Sure.”

“I just want to go somewhere a bit more private,” Dan explained. “I heard a few families were going to come and eat lunch at the hill today.”

“I understand,” Phil said. “Where are we going?”

Dan pointed toward the side entrance. “Back there, to the left, there’s a little clearing in the middle of the woods. It was going to be used as a cemetery, but they changed the location of that so it’s an empty area with a torn down tree trunk. Timothy and I go and sit out there sometimes. Not so much now, but we did a lot when we were younger.”

Dan led Phil back through the side entrance, then they went off of the trail and into the woods. The trees and shrubbery were thick enough that they couldn’t be seen, but they also couldn’t see out, which made Phil nervous. He didn’t like not knowing if someone was coming.

“Here we are,” Dan said as they made it to the clear area. He walked over to the tree trunk and sat down, patting the spot next to him for Phil to sit.

“Is this like a makeout spot or something?” Phil asked, looking all around. It really was the most secluded area he had seen so far.

Dan laughed. “No, it’s not. I’m not even sure if anyone else ever comes back here. Timothy and I would come back here to play when we were younger. Even though we were six years apart, we both liked to play marbles and games like that, and we didn’t want to be bothered by all the other kids.”

Dan picked up a stick and began poking it into the ground; it was something to distract him as he talked. “Then, as we grew older, we’d come out here to talk about whatever was bothering us. It was usually whatever was bothering  _ me.  _ He’d sit and listen, then whip tissues out of his pocket for me to use. He’d make sure I didn’t look like I’d been crying before we went back out.”

“What would bother you?” Phil asked.

Dan shrugged. “Loads of things. He, um, he was the first person- the  _ only _ person- I ever told that I like boys. He was twelve, and I was eighteen, and there was a boy in my class that I thought was so cute. Timothy noticed me staring at him, so he asked me point blank.” Dan tossed the stick onto the ground and looked over at Phil. “We don’t lie to each other, Timothy and I. I promised myself when I was young that I’d never lie to him, and I’ve kept that promise. He’s kept it too. I decided he’d be my little brother when I was six years old and he was a newborn, and it’s been that way ever since.”

“Honestly,” Phil began, turning slightly so he could face Dan better, “I thought you’d freak out when you woke up this morning. I thought you’d regret everything and want me to go away.”

Dan shook his head. “I’ve known who I am, and who I like, for a long time. Long before I ever told Timothy. I mean, if he would’ve asked, I would have told him sooner, but he was young and didn’t notice until he grew up a little bit. I was probably around, like, thirteen when I first realized it. I just kept it to myself.”

“That’s a lot for someone to have to keep hidden.”

“Lots of people do it,” Dan said. “Even out there in the real world, right?”

“Yeah, they do.”

“Well, what about you?” Dan asked. “Do people know about you?”

Phil nodded. “Yeah, they do. My parents found out when I was eighteen. I wrote about it on this website, and my mum’s friend found me on the website and told my mum.”

“How’d they take it?”

“Pretty well, actually. I mean, I think they were a bit disappointed, but we didn’t have any long talk about it or anything. My dad bought me a toolbox after that, and a drill. I’m not sure if those two things connected or not, but it was… weird. They’re normal about it now. And my brother never cared.”

“You’re lucky,” Dan said. “I don’t think the news would go over as well here. I’m sure you already figured that out though.”

“I had an inkling.” 

“Yes, well,” Dan sighed, “that’s life.”

Phil took a deep breath. “Can I ask you something now?” 

“I’m pretty sure I already know what your question is going to be, but go ahead.”

“The marks on your back... What’s that from?”

“There’s a verse in Proverbs that says if you spare the rod, you hate your child. If you love them, you punish them.”

“Th- That’s punishment for something?” Phil asked in disbelief.

Dan nodded. “When we misbehaved too much, we’d have to go outside and pick a branch from the ground and they’d, um, they’d use it on us as a punishment.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“Afraid not.”

Phil could feel the anger rising inside of him. “Dan, that’s abuse. You know that, right?”

“It’s not like it only happens here,” Dan tried to reason. “Kids get physical punishments everywhere.”

“Well, that’s a whole other discussion, but usually those parents don’t hit the kid so hard it leaves lifelong marks!”

“Joshua would just overreact sometimes. It’s not a big deal. It doesn’t happen that often.”

Phil was confused now. “Wait…  _ Joshua  _ did this to you?”

Dan nodded. “He’s the one to give physical punishments, yes. It’s all done under the supervision of the parents though.”

Phil couldn’t stay seated any longer. He stood up, taking a deep breath to try and calm himself down. “What were the reasons behind this punishment?” He asked, looking down at Dan.

“Um, the first time it was because I played around a little bit too much in class. I kept goofing off and the teacher kept telling me to stop, but I didn’t. I think I was like eight at the time, maybe nine.”

Phil began to pace now, angry tears forming in his eyes. 

“And then at eleven,” Dan continued, “it was because I disobeyed my parents three different times in a week. They had told me to do some chores and I kept forgetting to do them… I didn’t forget after that though.”

Phil was now at the point of reminding himself that murder was illegal and he couldn’t do that.

“And then sixteen was the last time. That one-” He paused, causing Phil to stop and look over at him. Dan was staring down at the ground, moving the dirt and leaves around with his foot, “That one I didn’t deserve.”

“You didn’t deserve  _ any _ of them,” Phil reminded him.

“Yeah, but that one I  _ really  _ didn’t deserve. I had been working in the offices for about a year, teaching myself how to do the website and everything, and someone said they found porn on my computer.” He looked up at Phil. “It was  _ not  _ mine,” he said, and Phil could tell by the look in his eyes that he wasn’t lying.

“I believe you,” Phil replied.

“Joshua said he could either tell my parents, or he could do the punishment and no one would have to know.”

“You took the punishment even though you did nothing wrong?” Phil asked.

“If Joshua believes you did something, everyone else believes you did it. If he told them it was mine, they would have thought it was mine, and I never would have been allowed near a computer again.”

Phil walked over to the tree trunk and sat back down, rubbing his hands over his face. He felt sick, and angry, and tired, and frustrated, and everything else in between. “Why was Joshua so quick to believe it was you who did it?”

Dan shrugged. “There were only three people who had access to those computers, and Gerald was the one who found the porn.”

It took a minute, but Phil finally got it.

He turned toward Dan with a shocked expression. “It was Joshua?”

“It wasn’t like he could admit it to Gerald,” Dan replied. “So I got the blame for it. He, um, he got really angry though, like in the middle of the punishment. I didn’t think he’d stop. I had to keep begging and begging until he finally did. My back was bloody from it. He had to take me to his house so I could get a shower and clean myself up; his family was out for the day. That’s the time the markings never went away though.”

“I don’t know what to say,” Phil replied. A million different things were running through his head. He wouldn’t even know where to begin. “It’s just so fucked up.”

“There’s a lot about this place that no one knows,” Dan said. “A lot of fucked up things that happen.”

Phil wasn’t sure how much more he could take right now. “Like what?” He asked.

Dan moved closer to him. He laid his head on Phil’s shoulder and took a hold of his hand. “We have time for more stories later,” he said. “Besides, I don’t want your brain to explode. You look as red as a tomato.”

Phil held onto Dan’s hand tight, hoping it would drain some of his anger away. “I should call the police about this,” he said. “Tell them what happens.”

“No one would back up your story,” Dan replied. “Police have been here before, remember? They’ve asked about the punishments here. Nothing gets done.”

“You could back up the story.”

Dan sighed. “Phil, please… Please, just don’t start with this right now.” He lifted his head up so he could look at Phil. “I promise you that no one else ever gets hurt as badly as what happened that one time. I don’t think anyone has even gotten a physical punishment in the last year. It really is rare, even more so now. I told you what you wanted to know, so can I have one normal moment before we go back out?”

God, Dan had a way of making Phil crumble. With all he had been through, Phil wanted nothing more than to give him anything and everything he wanted. “Okay,” he agreed reluctantly. 

Dan leaned forward and gave Phil a kiss. “Thank you,” he said, then he rested his head back on Phil’s shoulder.

Phil replied by placing another kiss to the top of Dan’s head. 

 

Dan came over again that night. Being around him made Phil feel like a teenager. He couldn’t stop himself from kissing him, touching him, and shivering at every noise that left Dan’s mouth.

Dan was so eager too. He didn’t just want to feel good, he wanted to make Phil feel good.

It was all so perfect, so exciting, so new.

Phil had no idea what this was, what  _ they  _ were, and his mind was still reeling from how it all began, but he didn’t let himself overthink it. 

It just felt right.

And, for now, that was enough.

Once they had finished and were lying together, a mess of tangled, long limbs and heaving chests, Phil pressed a kiss to Dan’s shoulder. “I did something for you while I was gone,” he said.

“Oh, yeah?” Dan asked, his fingers brushing up and down over Phil’s back. “What’s that?”

“I downloaded two seasons of Friends onto my laptop so we could watch without internet, if you wanted to.”

Dan smiled brightly. “Really?”

“Mhm.”

“Is that even legal?”

“I won’t tell if you won’t tell,” Phil replied.

“Wow. Breaking laws for me, Philly? I feel special.”

“You  _ are _ special."

Dan let out a shaky breath. “Can we, um, can we watch?” He asked.

Phil nodded. “Of course.” He climbed out of bed and walked over to his suitcase, taking out his laptop.

“You’ve got a cute butt,” Dan said with a smirk. 

Phil laughed, hurrying back over to the bed and getting under the covers. “You’re not so bad yourself, Howell.”

They sat up with their backs against the headboard, snuggling as close as they could with the computer between them.

“Can I ask you something?” Phil said as he opened the file to get the first episode ready.

“Sure,” Dan replied, uncertainty evident in his tone.

“It’s not bad, I promise. I was just wondering something.”

“Okay. What?”

“With everything you told me today, I was wondering when… when was your first time?”

“First time?” Dan questioned. “Oh, like having sex?”

Phil nodded.

“That would be… yesterday." He poked Phil’s arm. “You were there, I believe.”

Phil stopped bothering with the computer and looked at Dan. “You… That… That was your first time ever?”

“Not really that many opportunities around here, Philip.”

“I just assumed that maybe there was someone else, or a girl maybe.”

Dan shook his head. “Nope. Just you.”

“Oh.”

Dan moved around so he could sit up a bit straighter. “Is that a problem or something?”

“What? Oh, no, not at all! I- I would’ve tried to make it nicer though. It all happened kinda fast. I- I would have tried to make it more special.”

“Are you kidding me?” Dan asked. “That… It was perfect, Phil. _Perfect._ I promise.”

“You sure?”

“Positive.” 

Dan snuggled back into Phil’s side and Phil resumed getting the episode ready.

“Yesterday was my first kiss too, by the way.”

Phil groaned. “Oh my God. I took your first kiss and your virginity all in one night!”

Dan laughed. “And it was amazing,” he said. He gave Phil a kiss on the cheek and took his hand, lacing their fingers together. “Now let’s watch the show.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The comments I received after the last chapter were overwhelming. Thank you guys so much! I'm so thankful for all of you :)
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	15. Psalm 39:12

_Hear my prayer, O Lord,_

_and give ear to my cry;_

_do not be silent at my tears;_

_for I am a stranger to You,_

_a sojourner like all my fathers._

_Psalm 39:12_

 

The alarm on Phil’s phone started going off at 5:30 the next morning. It was a reminder that Dan would need to go home soon, so they better wake up.

Dan groaned. “Shut it off,” he whined, reaching behind him to find the phone.

Instead, all the he did was smack Phil’s face and chest.

“Hey!” Phil pushed Dan’s hand away, then grabbed his phone off of the nightstand. He shut off the alarm, then laid the phone on top of his chest. “Tired,” he said, his voice gravelly.

“Me too.” Dan turned over and wrapped his arm around Phil’s waist, resting his head on Phil’s shoulder. “You made me stay up too late.”

“You were the one who kept asking to watch one more episode,” Phil reminded him.

“You were the one who kept saying okay.”

“Mm.” Phil snuggled closer to Dan, closing his eyes. “You’re hard to say no to.”

Dan smiled, turning his face closer into Phil to hide his blush, even though Phil couldn’t see it anyway.

They laid in silence for a couple of minutes, and Phil was just about to fall back to sleep, when Dan reached over and pinched his nipple.

“Ow!” Phil exclaimed. “What was that for?!”

“I have to go,” Dan said, reluctantly sitting up. “And you were trying to get me to stay longer.”

“Did you have to take it out on my nipple?”

“You’ll survive." Dan crawled out of the bed and began to gather up his clothes.

Phil moved slightly, resting his head on Dan’s pillow and staring in Dan’s direction as he started to get dressed.

“Like what you see?” Dan asked cheekily.

Phil laughed. “Actually can’t see much,” he answered. “But I am enjoying the blurry outline.”

Dan walked over to the nightstand and grabbed Phil’s glasses, then leaned over him and put them on his face. “There you go.”

Phil smiled, adjusting them on his nose. “Thank you,” he said, his eyes wandering over Dan. It was still a bit tough to see, since it was fairly dark out and no lights were on in the room, but he was able to take in Dan’s silhouette. His trousers were already on, and he was working on buttoning up his shirt, but it didn’t stop Phil from remembering his soft, tanned skin. Or the dimples on his back. Or the way he’d suck in a breath when Phil kissed down his stomach. Or the way he’d put his arm over his face and laugh after making a noise he would deem “embarrassing.” Phil, however, didn’t find it embarrassing at all.

In fact, Phil found he liked pretty much everything about Dan. He liked his eyes, his hair, his nose, his teeth, his lips, his body, his voice, the way he smelled, the way he liked to cuddle, his loud laugh, his thoughtfulness… Just, everything.

Once Dan had finished getting dressed, he walked back over to the bed and climbed on top of Phil, straddling his waist. “I’ll see you later, okay?”

Phil turned so he was lying flat on his back, looking up at Dan. “Are you sure you have to go now?”

Dan smiled. “I’m sure. My dad gets up earlier on Fridays, so I need to go before he wakes up.” He bent down and kissed Phil on his forehead, his nose, and then his lips. “Meet me for lunch at one, by the creek?”

Phil nodded. “Sounds good.”

“Okay.”

Dan got off of the bed and was about to leave when Phil stopped him. “Wait.”

“What?”

“In my bag,” he replied, sitting up and pointing toward his satchel. “There’s a phone in there with a charger attached to it. Will you get it out?”

“Sure.” Dan got Phil’s satchel, digging through it until he grabbed the phone. “Here you go.”

Phil shook his head. “No, it’s yours. While I was staying at Fairlight, I went and picked you up one.”

“Really?” Dan asked, confused. “Why?”

Phil shrugged. “In case you needed it, or wanted it.”

Dan looked down at the phone, rubbing his thumb over the screen. “I- I can’t take this,” he said. “It has to be expensive.”

“It’s not, I promise,” Phil assured him. “I got a used one for you, and it’s one of the older models. But I added some apps on there that don’t require wifi, and I put my number in. Would you be able to hide it in your room?”

Dan nodded. “Yeah, I… My parents don’t look through my stuff anymore. I- Thank you, Phil.”

“Not a problem.”

“I have to go, but I’ll see you soon. I’ll bring the food, alright?”

“Okay.”

“Thank you,” Dan repeated one last time before heading out of the room.

Phil fell back onto the bed, letting out a deep breath. It wasn’t even six o’clock and he already felt like he’d had a wonderful day.

 

“You did _what?!”_ Timothy exclaimed, eyes wide.

“Do you really need me to repeat it?” Dan asked.

He and Timothy were walking through the mercantile. Timothy was getting some things that his mum needed, and Dan was getting food for him and Phil.

Thankfully, they were alone, so they could quietly discuss what had happened over the last couple of days.

“I just… I didn’t expect things to move so quickly,” Timothy replied. “I mean, I knew you two liked each other. The looks you give one another is sickening.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Oh, please.”

“You know I’m right.” Timothy sighed, then stopped walking and turned to face Dan. “Are you sure you’re not moving too fast? You know what you’re doing?”

Dan nodded. “I’m sure.”

“You haven’t known him that long though.”

“We’ve spent everyday together for almost two weeks.”

“Exactly,” Timothy replied. “You haven’t even known him for two weeks.”

“But, it _could_ be taken as us going out on eleven dates.”

“ _Dan.”_

Dan groaned. “I know, I know. It _is_ fast, but…” He shrugged. “It didn’t feel wrong. Everything felt like it was perfect timing. He’s so sweet, Timothy, you know that. And he didn’t make the first move, I did.”

“Does he know?” Timothy asked.

Dan looked away from him, resuming his activity of searching for food. “Know what?”

“You _know_ what.”

Dan sighed. “He knows enough… Anyway,” he continued quickly, “it’s not just about kissing him or whatever, it’s everything else too. He’s funny, and kind, and a good listener, and he’s got a good laugh, and a good smile, and he’s dorky but in an endearing way, and he’s nosy but I kind of like it, and-”

“I get it, I get it,” Timothy interrupted, waving Dan off. “Just, don’t get too attached, okay?” He warned. “He leaves in, what, four or five days? Unless… Unless you plan on going with him.”

Suddenly, it felt like all the air had rushed out of Dan’s lungs. “No, I- No,” he answered quickly, unable to make eye contact with Timothy. “Are you done here?”

Timothy grabbed up one last item. “Yeah, I’m done.”

 

Phil had left the Winder’s home early, deciding to go on a little walk before he met Dan at the creek.

He headed into town, passing by a few families as he went.

He knew some of their names now, enough to say hello. People were a little kinder to him than before, although many still kept their distance.

It got quieter the closer he got to the church. There were less people around, which Phil figured was because they were heading off to have lunch.

He was thankful for the silence. His mind had been so loud the past few days, it was nice for everything to be quiet for a moment.

It didn’t last too long, however, as he could hear what sounded like people talking.

He stopped and looked around, then decided the noises were coming from behind the church.

He couldn’t understand what was being said, but the tone sounded like two men having a very private conversation.

Will’s voice rang in his head, telling Phil that if he wanted a story he needed to find the story, and he found himself walking toward the back of the church so he could listen a little better.

He stopped the moment he could make out the words, not wanting to get too close in case they suddenly walked around the building.

“I’m telling you this has to be it,” one man said. It sounded kind of like Gerald. “He has to be the last one. I heard you on Wednesday. I heard it all. Someone could have walked in, they could have heard it too.”

“But they didn’t,” the other man responded. That voice belonged to Joshua.

“Only because I made sure of it.” Phil was sure it was Gerald and Joshua talking now. “It’s gone on too long,” Gerald continued. “Once he’s no longer on his own, you can’t take another.”

“You need to shut up,” Joshua replied. “Because you know nothing. You haven’t seen or heard a thing.”

“I may not have seen it, but I’ve heard it. And I know what you’re doing. I know what you’ve always done. How do you think you’ve gotten by with it for so long? You couldn’t do that on your own.”

“You have absolutely no proof of anything, and God help me, I will ruin you if you try to ruin me with these lies.”

“I’m not trying to ruin you,” Gerald said. “I’m trying to protect you. You are our leader, Joshua. Act like one.”

When Joshua didn’t respond, Phil feared the conversation was ending, so he quickly walked off to meet Dan.

 

“What do you think it means?” Phil asked, grabbing a carrot stick out of a bag and taking a bite.

“You said it was Gerald and Joshua?” Dan replied. He had stopped eating midway through Phil’s story.

Phil nodded. “Pretty sure. I mean, I know it was Joshua, cause Gerald said his name. And I think I know Gerald’s voice enough to know that Gerald is Gerald, if that makes sense.”

“And he was talking about Wednesday?”

“Yeah, he mentioned it. But it sounds like it happens a lot, whatever it is.”

Dan began breathing heavy. He put a hand over his chest, trying to rub out the sharp pain he felt there.

When he didn’t respond, Phil looked over at him. “Dan? Are you okay?”

“I think I’m- I think-” It was getting harder and harder to breathe.

Phil quickly got up and walked over to Dan’s side, placing a hand on his back. “Dan, talk to me. What’s wrong?”

“P… Panic,” he managed to get out.

“Panic? Pan- Panic attack?” Phil asked. “Do you need me to go get the doctor.”

Dan shook his head, his eyes widening. He looked absolutely terrified, and all the color had drained from his face. “I’m gonna-” he moved quickly, scrambling forward onto his hands and knees and throwing up over into the creek.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t Phil’s first time seeing this, but it was far more terrifying than the last.

Phil gave him a moment before he went over to him. He placed a hand on his back again, but quickly retracted it when Dan flinched away.

“What happened, Dan?” Phil asked. “What’s wrong?”

Dan sat back on his legs, closing his eyes for a moment as he tried to control his breathing. When he opened his eyes back up and looked over at Phil, he felt the panic starting to rise again. “I have to go,” he said, getting up quickly. Tears stung his eyes, but he couldn’t cry. Not right now.

“Dan, wait-”

Phil watched as Dan hurried off, but he didn’t follow him. As much as he wanted to go with him, he knew Dan wanted to be alone.

 

That night, as Phil laid in bed, a million different thoughts kept running through his head. Just when he would think he had things figured out, another possibility would pop into his head.

None of them were good.

He knew he wouldn’t be getting much sleep tonight, but he closed his eyes and tried anyway.

Until he heard the familiar sound of a rock hitting his window.

He rushed out of bed and looked out to see Dan standing there. Quickly, he made his way downstairs and opened the front door.

“Hey,” he whispered as Dan came inside.

“Upstairs,” Dan replied, walking right past Phil and up the staircase.

Phil closed the door then followed behind him.

“Are you okay?” Phil asked once they were in the room.

Dan went over to the bed and laid down, patting the spot next to him.

Phil went and laid beside him, turning on his side so they were looking at each other. “Dan, are you-”

Dan cut him off by hurrying forward and giving him a kiss. He placed his hands on either side of Phil’s face as he rolled over on top of him, deepening the kiss.

Although confused, Phil couldn’t help but moan at the sudden contact.

He placed his hands on either side of Dan’s waist, kissing him back for a moment before pulling away. “Wait, wait,” he said, breathless. “Dan, we need to talk.”

Dan shook his head. “Don’t wanna,” he replied. He sat up and began to unbutton his shirt.

Phil put his arms down on the bed and pushed himself up as much as he could. “Da-”

Dan cut him off again with another kiss, continuing to unbutton and then remove his shirt. He tossed it onto the ground, then started to pull Phil’s shirt up.

“Dan, wait.” Phil brought one hand to the hem of his shirt and pulled it back down.

“Come on, Phil,” Dan whined. “I wanna touch you. Please?”

“No, I don’t-”

“You can do whatever you want,” Dan replied. He was practically begging. “I’ll let you do whatever you want.”

He went to kiss Phil again, but Phil stopped him by placing a hand on his chest, pushing him back. “Dan, what the hell? What are you doing?”

Dan froze then. Suddenly, he looked horrified. “Shit,” he breathed out. He hurried off of Phil and grabbed up his shirt. “Shit, shit, shit,” he repeated, trying to put his shirt back on as fast as he could.

Phil got out of bed and walked over to him, but Dan turned to avoid looking at him. “Dan-”

“I’m sorry,” Dan whispered, his voice breaking. “I’m sorry.”

“Dan,” Phil took a hold of Dan’s arm, “Look at me, please?”

Dan continued to stare down at the floor.

_“Please?”_

Slowly, Dan looked up at Phil. His eyes were filled with tears and his lip was trembling.

“Hey, come here.” Phil wrapped him up in a big hug, holding onto him tight as Dan started to cry.

“I’m sorry,” Dan repeated. “I’m s- so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Phil assured him, rubbing up and down his back. Dan was crying hard, sucking in short breaths. Phil could already feel the tears coming through his shirt.

Phil didn’t know what to do. He wasn’t sure how he could help. He didn't even know what was wrong.

He hoped his words could be enough for right now.

“You’re okay, Dan. I’m here. You’re okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of y'all predicted the last chapter was the calm before the storm... I guess you were right!
> 
> Thank you for all the support :)
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	16. Philippians 4:8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little warning: This chapter discusses a very sensitive topic. Nothing is graphic, but feel free to stop reading at anytime if you feel uncomfortable. I have tried to give hints all throughout the story so it's not a total surprise. If you feel the need to message me on tumblr before continuing (softgolftechniques) please do so off anon so I can tell you any potential triggers.
> 
> Otherwise, thank you for reading.

_ Whatever is true, whatever is noble, _

_ whatever is right, whatever is pure, _

_ whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- _

_ if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- _

_ think about such things. _

_ Philippians 4:8 _

 

Phil never went to sleep that night. He managed to get Dan to calm down slightly. Phil helped him change into a pair of his sweatpants and a t-shirt. Phil tucked him into bed and laid down opposite him. He held Dan close, Dan’s head laying on his chest, until Dan cried himself to sleep.

But, long after Dan’s breaths evened out, Phil stared up at the ceiling. He massaged Dan’s head all night, occasionally wrapping the curls around his fingers.

He felt on edge. He was nauseous, nervous, scared, confused, sad, and tired.  He was always near breaking down and crying himself, but he couldn’t do it. The tears stung his eyes, but they wouldn’t fall. 

There was a moment, in the middle of the night, where Phil tried to get up to take out his contacts. But, when he went to move Dan off of him, Dan gripped onto his shirt like his life depended on it, and Phil knew he wouldn’t be leaving this bed until they had to get up.

He felt overwhelmed.

This is not what he signed up for.

Dan wasn’t a bother at all, that wasn’t the problem. It was that Phil came here expecting a kind of creepy place with possibly strange practices, but he did not expect any of this.

Maybe he should’ve taken the time out to read all of those other articles.

The whole “I don’t want to judge based on what other people have written” rule seemed stupid now.

He wished more than anything that he could call his mum and ask her all she had ever read on this place.

Phil placed a hand over Dan’s, rubbing his thumb over Dan's knuckles.

Never would he ever have imagined sharing a bed with the man who was supposed to be his chaperone. Never would he have imagined this man being so broken, and holding in so many secrets, that he’d latch on to Phil like it was the last hope he had of normalcy.

Never would he have imagined growing so close to this man so quickly that he’d do anything to help him, whatever it took.

Yes, Phil’s night was sleepless.

And he was terrified for whatever the next day would bring.

 

“Dan,” Phil whispered, his hand on Dan’s back, barely shaking him. “Dan.”

Dan groaned, turning his head further into Phil.

“Dan, you need to get up. It’s almost six.”

Dan slowly lifted up his head, blinking a few times as he woke up. “What?” He asked, rubbing his hand over his red, puffy eyes.

“It’s almost six,” Phil repeated. “You’ll have to get home soon.”

“Don’t wanna,” he mumbled, dropping his head back down onto Phil.

“I know,” Phil said, “but you know you have to.”

Dan sighed. “Yeah. Yeah, I know.”

Dan stretched, then got out of bed and made his way to the bathroom.

Phil followed behind him, almost afraid to let Dan out of his sight.

As Dan got out a washcloth and wet it, Phil sat up on the counter so he could face him. “I know you can’t right now,” Phil started, “but can we talk later? Somewhere private?”

Dan dabbed the washcloth over his eyes, trying to get the swelling down some. He replied with a nod, but didn’t speak. Apparently, the couple minutes of being awake had reminded him of everything that happened the night before.

Phil put his hand over Dan’s arm, squeezing it gently so Dan would look at him. “Are we okay?” He asked, hoping this hadn’t set them back somehow.

Dan bit at his lip before responding. “I should be asking you that,” he replied, his voice quiet, shameful.

“Then we’re okay.”

Dan leaned forward and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. “I need to get changed,” he said before leaving the room.

Phil let out a little breath of relief. As long as they were okay, he’d be okay.

He could handle whatever came next.

He didn’t really have a choice.

 

Later on that day, Phil went for a walk to try and clear his head.

He knew it wouldn’t work, but he couldn’t stay holed up in the Winder’s house all day.

While he was out, he was stopped by an older woman, who asked if he’d like to come by and have some fresh bread and butter with her.

Since she was the first person who ever reached out to him since he arrived, Phil accepted graciously and followed her back to her house.

She introduced herself as Miriam, and told him her husband, George, was out for the day, so she was grateful to have some company.

“You have a lovely home,” Phil said as he walked into her house. 

“Thank you, Dear. Come this way.” She waved him into the kitchen. “Come, come.”

They sat down at the kitchen table and Miriam began to slice the bread.

Her home smelled delicious. Like baked goods and fresh fruit. It felt comforting to Phil.

“You know, I saw you out there, and I knew I had to invite you in,” she began. “So many people are still nervous about you, but I’m old. Not much scares me anymore.”

Phil smiled. “I can’t wait until I can say that.”

“Oh, no, Dear. Don’t wish your life away. Being young, life still being new… that’s good too.”

She placed a piece of bread on a plate and handed it to him. “Get as much butter as you like,” she said, nudging the dish closer to him. “I make fresh every other day.”

“Thank you.” He put a little bit of butter on the bread, then set it back down. “Miriam?”

“Yes?”

“Why did you know you had to invite me in?”

“I know a worried child when I see one.” She got up and went over to the fridge. “I have some jam in here. Might as well have that too.”

“Why do you think I’m worried?” Phil asked.

She smiled as she sat back down beside him. “I raised three children, Honey, I’m not a psychic. I don’t know  _ why _ you’re worried, I can just tell that you are.”

“It’s really nothing,” he lied. “I just get things on my mind and they won’t go away.”

“I think we can all get like that sometimes. You have to remember, God never gives us more than we can handle.”

Phil just nodded. He stared down at his bread and pulled off a piece of the crust. 

“You’re not a believer, are you?” She asked.

He chewed and swallowed the bite of bread before he looked back over at her and shook his head. “No, I can’t say I am.”

She reached over and patted his arm. “That’s alright, Hon. Not everyone believes. Some never do, others do in time.”

They ate in silence for a bit. Phil thought about asking her something. he opened his mouth to ask the question, then closed it back. 

“What is it?” Miriam asked. “I don’t bite, I promise.”

“Y… You said that God never gives us more than we can handle?”

“Mhm, that’s right.”

“Does that mean… Does that mean we have to handle whatever we’re given?”

She gave him a confused look. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, whatever He throws at us, we just have to take it? Is that what that means?”

She thought for a moment. “I suppose some may see it that way, but I don’t.”

“How do you see it?”

“I see it as… You know, I could be slicing this bread, and my finger could get too close to the blade and it cuts me. It doesn’t mean I should stand there and let myself bleed, saying God allowed me to get cut so that's how it's meant to be. It means, I know there is a doctor I can go to who can bandage or stitch the cut, and I can get better.”

“But what if it’s not physical pain?” Phil asked.

“Could you give an example?”

“Like,” he sighed. “I don’t know… Like, if I were trapped in a building, and every door I tried to open was locked. Years go by, and I’m still trapped in this building, still trying to find one open door… Should I just accept that God doesn’t want me to find an open door?”

“I think that’s when you start looking for a window,” she replied.

“But what if there aren’t any windows either.”

She reached over and placed her hand over his. “Honey, if doors are there but they won’t seem to open… knock them down.”

 

That evening, Dan and Phil met at the spot in the woods. 

Dan had arrived before Phil, and was sitting on the trunk.

“Hey,” Phil greeted, coming over and sitting beside him.

Dan gave him a small smile. “Hi.”

“Are you feeling any better?” Phil asked.

Dan shook his head. “Not really. I’m kind of embarrassed, to be honest.”

“You don’t need to be,” Phil assured him. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Well, I did,” Dan admitted. “And I am sorry about that, but… but that’s not why I’m embarrassed.”

“Oh. Okay, well, why are you embarrassed?”

“I don’t…” Dan paused, trying to think of what to say. “I don’t think I ever told you that no one ever found out about me sneaking out, getting drunk, or sneaking back in. I mean, Timothy knows, but that’s it.”

“You didn’t tell me,” Phil said. “I was a little worried that that’s what the problem with Wednesday was about.”

“No.” Dan let out a humorless laugh. “No, but I kind of wish it was.”

“Dan, please tell me something.  _ Please.  _ I’ve got a million possibilities in my head, and most of them make me feel sick and angry at the same time.”

“If I… If I told you I couldn’t talk about it, would you let it go?” Dan looked over at him. “If I told you, point blank, that I couldn’t talk about it, would you keep bugging me?”

“I’m not going to force you, Dan, I wouldn’t do that. But I’d never stop thinking about it.”

Dan rubbed his hands together, then laid one out between them for Phil to take. Once Phil took his hand, Dan held onto him tight. “I like that you care,” Dan said. “I like that you’re persistent.”

“Does that mean you’ll talk to me?”

They both sat in silence for almost a minute. Phil was beginning to think Dan was closing up on him when he finally spoke.

“I didn’t think anyone else knew,” he started. “I mean, I knew that one person knew. But that’s it.”

“Timothy?” 

Dan nodded. “Yeah.”

“What does he know?”

“Before I-” Dan looked at Phil, staring him down so hard Phil felt like he was in a trance. “I need you to promise me you will not freak out on me,” he said. “And I need you to not let go of my hand. If you let go, I won’t say more.”

“Okay,” Phil replied immediately. “I promise.”

Dan took in a deep breath, then let it out slowly. “Joshua and I… When I was younger.” He let out a frustrated groan. “I don’t even know how to say this.”

“However you want,” Phil said. “I’ll catch on.”

“Joshua is… He’s- He has a problem with his wife.”

This is not what Phil expected to come from Dan’s mouth, but he stayed quiet so Dan would continue.

“He’s not really attracted to her. They’ve got lots of kids together. She lets him know when… when she can get pregnant. Kids are her life, so that’s how he makes her happy.”

Phil nodded along, pretending like he understood what Dan was going on about.

“When he has to be intimate with her, he needs help. He has to have  _ help.”  _

Phil wasn’t stupid. He could be slow sometimes, but he wasn’t stupid. He tried to see the best in every situation, and tried to tell himself that maybe things weren’t as bad as he thought, but he suddenly realized exactly where this was going.

And his heart was pounding.

“He has me come to his office,” Dan paused, clearing his throat. He looked away from Phil, deciding to stare down at the ground instead. “He has me help him.”

Before Phil spoke, he chose his words carefully. He made sure each word came out calm and precise. “What does he have you help him with?” He asked.

Dan held onto Phil’s hand a bit tighter. “He has me… He has me touch him. And sometimes… Sometimes, he touches me too,” he let out in a rush.

It wasn’t just Phil’s heart that was pounding now, his head was too. Thinking something like this as a possibility was a whole different feeling from hearing that it’s true. 

His whole body felt like it was vibrating. He couldn’t imagine what Dan was feeling.

“How long-” Phil stopped to swallow. His mouth felt so dry he almost couldn’t speak. “How long has he made you do this?”

Dan turned to Phil again, his eyes filled with tears.  _ “Phil-” _

“How long, Dan?” Phil asked again, more demanding this time.

A tear fell down Dan’s face, but he didn’t move to wipe it away. “I was fourteen.” His voice was quiet and shaky.

Phil was raging now. The only thing keeping him grounded was Dan’s hand in his. 

He could hear the blood rushing through his head, could feel his face growing hotter. 

“Fourteen?” He said. “You were fourteen fucking years old?”

Dan nodded.

“Dan, I need to get up.”

“You promised-”

“I need to get up and move around or I’m going to start yelling and I don’t want to do that. Can I please let go of your hand?”

Dan let him go, so Phil stood and began pacing around the cleared area. “I- So this is what they were talking about? They were talking about the fact Joshua molests you?”

“Sounds like it.”

“Does Gerald do it to?” Phil asked, turning back to Dan. “Does he make you do this crap?”

“No. No, I didn’t even know he knew anything until you said that yesterday. I- I didn’t know anyone else knew.”

“I can’t,” Phil brought his hands up to his head, “I- He’s a goddamn child molester. I mean, I knew he was a piece of shit, but-”

“It’s nothing to get this upset over,” Dan said, standing and walking over to him. “I’m okay.”

“Are you kidding me?” Phil stared at Dan, wondering how the hell else he was supposed to take this information. “Dan, you just told me that the leader of this place has been assaulting you for twelve years. Of course I’m going to be upset. There’s no tellings how many other kids he’s doing this too!”

“There’s no one else,” Dan said. “I made sure of it.”

“How could you know?” Phil asked. “You didn’t think anyone knew about you.”

“Because I know him better than anyone else here. I’m the one he always asks for. I’ve been the only one since it started.”

“But, Dan-”

“He told me I was special!” Dan interrupted, his voice rising. “He said I was better than any of the others before. That’s why he’s kept me for so long. He doesn’t use more than one at a time. Things get too messy when there’s too many people involved.”

“He could still be lying to you, Dan! There could be others!”

“I made sure there wouldn’t be!” Dan yelled so loud that Phil took a step back. “I made sure! That’s why I let him keep doing it. If it was happening to me, it wouldn’t be happening to anyone else, so I let it keep happening! He’d be safe if I just let it happen!”

“He?” Phil questioned. “Who’s he? Timothy?”

Dan allowed himself to have a moment to calm down before he responded. “Yes,” he answered. “As I got older h- he seemed to start losing interest. I was thankful, at first. I thought it would be over. But then… then I- I saw him looking at Timothy one day. It was the same way he looked at me before it started happening. Timothy was only thirteen, I couldn’t-” he wiped a tear from his cheek, “I couldn’t let it happen to him. So, I became everything he’d want me to be. I did whatever he wanted me to do, and I pretended it was okay.”

“How did Timothy find out about it all?” Phil asked.

“He found me crying one day. It was like six years ago. He knew I had just left Joshua’s office, and he wouldn’t leave me alone until I told him what happened. He doesn't know that Joshua ever wanted him though. He wanted to tell someone, wanted to go to the police, but I wouldn’t let him.”

“Why not?” Phil asked. 

“Since the day it started, he told me that he’d kick my parents out if I ever said anything. I couldn’t- I  _ can’t  _ risk that. They haven’t had a real job in twenty years. We have no money, we have nothing. If they lose this house, they lose everything. Even with their faults, they’re happier here than they were out there and I can’t…” His voice trailed off as he walked back over to the tree trunk and sat down. 

“You know I have to call the police, Dan.”

Dan’s eyes widened as he looked up at Phil. “No! No, you can’t do that!”

“I  _ have  _ to, Dan!”

“No, you don’t! If you do that, Joshua will know I told you something.”

“So what?!” Phil exclaimed. “You could leave this hellhole! You cou-”

“No!” Dan interrupted, standing back up so he was face to face with Phil. “No! I’ll deny it if you call them. I’ll deny everything.”

“Why would you do that?”

“I already told you! I can’t risk my parents being homeless over this! I can’t risk it happening to someone else!”

“But it  _ will _ happen to someone else!” Phil said. “It will! That’s what they were talking about, Dan! You’re getting older, he’s marrying you off to some teenager- which makes a lot more sense now- and he’s going to get someone new!”

“No, he won’t,” Dan said, shaking his head. “He won’t. I’ve held him off for this long, I can do it for as long as I need to. If you call the cops, I’ll deny everything, Phil. And there  _ hasn’t  _ been anyone else in at least twelve years, so no one would backup your story. Police have already been here multiple times, and Joshua is still here. You’re not going to change that.”

Phil felt helpless and defeated. “What am I supposed to do?” He asked.

Dan shrugged. “Do what you came here to do,” he replied. “Write your story.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was tough to write, but hopefully the little hints throughout prepared you all somewhat. Thank you all for reading and commenting!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	17. Proverbs 4:25-27

_ Let your eyes look straight ahead; _

_ fix your gaze directly before you. _

_ Give careful thought to the paths for your feet _

_ and be steadfast in all your ways. _

_ Do not turn right or left; _

_ keep your foot from evil. _

_ Proverbs 4:25-27 _

 

Dan showed up at the Winder’s that night. Phil wasn’t sure if he’d come, but he arrived earlier than usual.

Kay and Jeb were still in the middle of their nightly sex session when Phil opened up the front door and Dan came in.

Dan stopped on the bottom step when he heard moaning. “What is that?” He whispered.

“They have sex every night before they fall asleep,” Phil replied. 

Dan turned to look at him. “Are you serious?”

Phil nodded.  _ “Every night.” _

Dan let out a little gagging sound, then continued up the stairs. 

“They are really loud,” he said as Phil shut the door behind them.

“Yes, I know. Dan-”

“I was wondering if we could watch some more Friends?” Dan asked, sitting down on the bed and leaning back against the headboard. 

“Um… Sure.” Phil grabbed his laptop and sat down beside Dan, opening it up to get the next episode ready. “Dan, I think we need-”

“Philip, I’d really just like to watch a show right now. Please.”

Phil knew that, no matter how rough his own day had been, Dan’s had to have been about ten thousand times worse. He couldn’t imagine having a secret that big and finally telling someone after all of these years. Dan must’ve been terrified; he was probably still terrified.

“Okay,” Phil replied. “Okay, that’s fine.”

He pulled up the episode and set the laptop down between them. Dan scooted a little closer to him as they settled into the bed and began the show.

“Phil?”

“Yeah?”

“How long does the sex last?”

Phil listened to the noises the Winder’s were making. “They’re nearly done.”

Dan let out a sigh of relief. “Thank God.”

 

They watched three episodes, and Dan inched his way closer to Phil throughout each one. By the end of the third episode, Dan’s head was resting on Phil’s shoulder and their bodies were pressed close together. The laptop had been moved to Phil’s lap, giving Dan no reason to keep any space between them.

As Phil went to start the next episode, Dan brought his hand up to the laptop lid and closed it down.

“Wh- Are you done?” Phil asked, turning to look at him.

“For now.” Dan moved the computer off of Phil’s lap and set it behind him on the bed. He brought his hand up to Phil’s cheek, pulling him in for a slow kiss.

Phil kissed him back, until Dan’s hand started to make its way down his chest and over his stomach.

Phil laid his hand over Dan’s, stopping him.

“What’s wrong?” Dan asked, pulling back slightly but staying close to Phil.

“I just- I don’t really feel like doing anything right now,” he replied.

“Oh…” Dan moved away from him, returning to his side of the bed. "Is it… Is it because of what I told you?” He asked. “Do you not, like, w- want to touch me or something?”

“No, that’s not-” Phil held out his hand, hoping Dan would take it. After a couple of seconds, Dan did, and Phil held onto it tight. “Dan, I promise this has nothing to do with that. It’s just… Sometimes, it’s fun to watch shows with a person, or talk to them, or play a game, or just sit while you’re both on your phones. It’s… There’s more to enjoying someone’s company than just sex.”

Dan bit his lip, tearing away at loose skin, nearly causing himself to bleed. “Okay,” he replied quietly. 

“Will you look at me?” Phil asked.

Dan looked over at him. His eyes were glassy and a little red. 

“I have enjoyed every bit of what we’ve done together,” Phil said to him. “I do not regret a single thing. But, I also like doing other things with you too. Like, I’d really like to see the next episode of Friends now. We’re almost done with the first season and things are just getting good.”

Dan rolled his eyes, but a smile appeared on his face. He reached over and grabbed the laptop, placing back on Phil's lap. “I’d like that too.” 

Phil smiled, opening the laptop and starting the next episode. He set it down between them, then moved closer to Dan, resting his head on Dan’s shoulder. “You’re comfy,” he said.

He felt Dan place a kiss on top of his head. “So are you.”

 

“Hello, Congregation,” Joshua said as he walked up to the podium.

Phil kept his mouth shut as everyone else replied with a, “Hello, Joshua.”

It was Sunday morning, and Phil had walked to church with the Winder’s. Not a single piece of him wanted to be here. Half of him was screaming to get up and walk out and the other half of him was saying he couldn’t do that.

If he left, he would be leaving Dan. He wouldn’t just be leaving him, he’d be opening him up to questioning from Joshua. If Joshua knew something was wrong, he’d suspect Dan. 

Phil couldn’t risk that.

Phil checked out of Joshua’s sermon until he heard the word “homosexual.”

Phil looked up at Joshua, tuning in to whatever crap he was saying. 

“It’s a perversion,” Joshua said with a grimace. “It’s one of the worst perversions. Man with man and woman with woman is not what God intended. He intended on woman being with a man, and a man being with a woman.”

Joshua smiled as he looked around. “Think about yourself for a moment. You wouldn’t be here if two men being together was normal, or two women. You couldn’t procreate, as God intended us to do. God also says that a household is to be God, then man, then his wife, and then the kids. If there are two men, who is the head of the household? If two women, there is none. It’s simply not how it was meant to be.”

Phil felt sick. This man- this pervert- was standing in front of the crowd, telling them how being gay was wrong?

Joshua, the man who molests kids into adulthood, was standing there, preaching about how consensual relationships were wrong?

Phil definitely had a migraine coming on. His blood pressure was up, and he was fighting the overwhelming urge to lash out. 

He wanted people to know the truth.

But, he knew they wouldn’t believe him anyway. He’d be kicked out in a second.

And, again, he’d be putting Dan in danger.

He had to keep calm.

He had to keep quiet.

The sermon couldn’t last forever.

 

One very long hour later, the sermon was finally over.

As everyone filed out of the church, Phil moved up one pew so he could speak with Dan.

“How often does he do that?” Phil asked.

“Do what?”

“Uh, preach a sermon like that. Act like being gay is wrong when what he’s doing is so much worse.”

Dan looked around. “You have to stop bringing that up, Phil,” he whispered.

“No one’s around, Dan. I just want to know how often he does these types of sermons.”

Dan sighed. “Once every couple of months. It’s like a refresher. This one was pretty mild, actually.”

Phil shook his head. “This is absolutely ridiculous.”

“It is what it is,” Dan replied with a shrug. “Anyway, did you want to come over for lunch today? My parents wanted me to invite you.”

“Oh, um, that would be nice,” Phil said, “but I can’t. I have to interview Joshua today.”

Dan’s face became pale. “You what?”

“Yeah, I set it up a while back, long before I knew… stuff.”

“You-”

“I won’t,” Phil interrupted. “He won’t know I know a thing, don’t worry.”

Dan nodded. “Okay. Thank you.”

Phil couldn’t even bring himself to respond. He simply turned and walked away. 

Every moment he was there he felt like garbage. 

He knew he needed to do more, but he didn’t know what he was supposed to do. 

 

“How are you today, Phil?” Joshua asked with a smile as he welcomed Phil into his office.

“I’m fine,” Phil lied. “How are you?”

“I’m doing just wonderfully. Please, have a seat. I have to go drop some paperwork off in the next room, but I’ll be back soon and we’ll get started.”

Phil sat down in one of the empty chairs. He looked around the office as he waited for Joshua to come back. 

He immediately felt sick to his stomach as he realized that this is where it happened. This is where Dan was hurt on a regular basis. This is where other boys, and possibly other girls, were hurt before. This is the room where it all happened, and he was just sitting here, pretending nothing was wrong.

He wasn’t like Dan. He wasn’t like the other people here. He grew up in a home where, if something was happening to you, you told. If someone was hurting you, or bullying you, you spoke up. 

In Phil’s mind, there was only one right thing to do.

Call the police.

He knew that’s what he should do. Screw his story. The police needed to know.

It was like being stuck between a rock and a hard place, except a million times worse.

It was just that, every time Phil got close to calling the police, every time he told himself to screw everything else and do what’s right, Dan flashed into his mind.

Dan saying he wouldn’t tell the truth.

Dan saying he would deny everything.

What’s the point in calling for help when the person who needs help won’t accept it?

It would be Phil’s word against the word of everyone in God’s Guard.

The outlook wasn’t good, and Phil was miserable.

“Alright, I’m back,” Joshua said, coming into the office and shutting the door behind him. “Let’s begin.”

Phil straightened up in his seat. “Thank you for taking the time to speak with me today,” he said, opening up his notebook. He found it difficult to even look at Joshua.

“Of course, of course.”

“So, I guess I’ll start out by saying that I’ve spoken with Jack Lincoln and he’s not a fan of yours. I was wondering why you tell everyone here that he left to serve God elsewhere when that’s not the case at all?”

Joshua folded his hands over his lap. “I guess we’re getting right into it, aren’t we?”

Phil shrugged. “That’s my job.”

“Yes, well,” Joshua cleared his throat. “Jack isn’t of a sound mind, you might say. His mind isn’t as sharp as it once was.”

“He seemed to be perfectly fine to me.”

“Yes, the devil can make things seem that way.”

“So, he’s evil?”

“He’s not the Godly man he once was.”

“You lie to your congregation then?” Phil questioned. “You tell them he moved on to serve God outside of this place, but you know he’s really evil? Isn’t lying a sin?”

Joshua gave Phil a small smile, but there was a rage behind his eyes that couldn’t be ignored. “Maybe we should start over?” He suggested.

Phil nodded. “Let’s start over then. Why do you feel the need to preach about homosexuality to your congregation?”

“It’s an important topic that deserves to be covered. The sin of homosexuality cannot be ignored, nor should it be.”

“But everyone inside this place is straight, are they not? Everyone is either married, or waiting to be married, or they're under eighteen- excuse me- they’re under  _ sixteen  _ and they aren’t legally allowed to be married.”

“Yes, that’s true.”

“So is it something you personally struggle with?”

Joshua leaned forward, placing his folded hands on the desk. “I’m not sure I like this line of questioning, Mr. Lester, and I don’t know what you’re expecting to get out of it.”

“I’m expecting to better understand why you feel the need to regularly discuss such topics when said topics do not relate to your congregation.”

“Maybe because they relate to a particular outsider,” Joshua replied.

“Are you assuming I’m gay?”

_“Are_ you gay?”

“I fail to see how that’s your business.”

“And I fail to see how my sexuality is yours.”

Now Phil leaned forward, staring straight into Joshua’s eyes. “It’s my business because I’m the reporter, and if you’re preaching to your congregation about how being gay is wrong, yet you’re a top tier homo, that would be a bit of an issue.”

“I think it might be time for you to go, Mr. Lester.”

Phil quickly gathered up his things. “I think I agree.”

 

Jeb and Kay left early for church that night. 

Once they left, Dan headed over to the Winder’s and went right inside.

He headed up to Phil’s room and knocked on the door.

“Come in,” Phil said.

Dan opened the door, the smile on his face fading when he saw Phil wasn’t dressed for church, and all of his luggage was on the bed.

“What… What’s going on?” He asked. “Why are you packing? You have four more days here.”

“I can’t stay,” Phil replied, folding one of his t-shirts and placing it in his suitcase. “I’m going home now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shockingly (or maybe not), the sermon Joshua preached is one I've actually had the pleasure of hearing before. Fun times!
> 
> Thank you for your patience waiting for this chapter. I'm starting a new job so things have been a bit crazy for me. 
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	18. Isaiah 40:31

_ But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. _

_ They will soar on wings like eagles; _

_ they will run and not grow weary, _

_ they will walk and not be faint. _

_ Isaiah 40:31 _

 

“Are… Are you joking?”

“No, I’m not.”

Dan walked over to Phil. “Hey, look at me,” he said, holding onto Phil’s arm.

Phil stopped packing and turned toward him.

“Why are you leaving?” Dan asked.

“My meeting with Joshua did not go well,” Phil replied. “As I was leaving the office, he said it would be better if I left the community.”

“What do you mean it didn’t go well?” Dan asked. He suddenly felt nervous, his body shaking slightly.

“I didn’t say anything about you, Dan,” Phil replied. “I just didn’t stay calm and I asked stupid questions because I was angry. I was angry about the service, and about everything I know, and about the fact I’m doing absolutely nothing to stop it, and-”

“Yeah, but you’re doing that because I asked you to,” Dan interrupted.

“It doesn’t make it right!” Phil replied. He moved away from Dan, grabbing up some some shirts from a drawer and putting them on the bed. “I can’t be here knowing what’s happening and not do anything about it. I’ve tried bringing it up to you a few times and you change the subject or ask to watch shows, and I get that it must be hard for you, but God, Dan!” Phil sighed, running his fingers through his hair. “I just… I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I mean, I know what I  _ should  _ do, but every time I go to do it I think about the fact that you’re going to hate me and the police won’t do anything because you won’t admit anything is happening.”

Dan crossed his arms over his chest. “I told you to write your story.”

“What am I supposed to write?” Phil questioned, his eyes widening. “I can’t even write the truth, Dan! If I wrote what you told me, I’d be putting you in danger here. Tell me what to write about! Please! Because if I cut out the truth, then this place is just a boring, religious community that values men over women. That’s not even a story!”

“So, what, this is all my fault?” Dan asked. “I told you what was happening because you kept asking, and I trusted you enough to do that. What else am I supposed to do, Phil?”

“I never said it was your fault,” Phil replied quickly. “It’s not your fault. You should never have had to go through all the things you’ve been through. I…” Phil sat down on the bed. “I feel like I’m a horrible person, Dan. I’m horrible because I’m just letting this shit happen and I have no idea how to fix it all.”

“I didn’t ask you to fix anything!” Dan exclaimed.

“I know you didn’t,” Phil said, trying to remain calm. “I know. But, Dan, life can be so much better than this. You don’t want to be here, I know you don’t. You don’t have to be here. You can leave this place, for good. There’s help out there, in the real world, who can do so much more for you than I can.”

“Phil, why don’t I just talk to Joshua?” Dan said, as though he didn’t even hear Phil’s words. “I can tell him you had a bad day. I can get him to let you stay.”

Phil shook his head. “No, Dan. I don’t want to stay anyway.” He stood back up, returning to putting his clothes in his suitcase. 

“Why wouldn’t you want to stay?” Dan asked, his voice breaking as he spoke.

Phil looked at him, his own eyes glossing over with tears. “Four more days here, with you, wouldn’t help anything when I did leave,” he admitted. “It’s better I go now.”

“But, Phil-”

“What do you expect me to do, Dan?!” Phil yelled suddenly. “Do you want me to stay here forever? You want me to join this cult so I can be your dirty little secret? You get married and have kids with that girl, then you come visit me at night? And I sit here while Joshua does God knows what to you or someone else? I can’t do that!”

“I don’t know what to do!” Dan's own anxiety and fears were beginning to take over. He was shaking more now. His eyes burned as a tear fell down his face. “This has been my world for twenty years, Phil! Twenty  _ fucking _ years! You come here and in less than two weeks you turn my entire life upside down! The entire fucking world I had created for myself just shattered to pieces because of you! I could pretend until you came along! The second I fucking saw your face I knew-” Dan brought a hand up to his chest as it became harder to breathe. He was nearly hyperventilating.

Phil rushed over to him. “Dan, let’s sit down,” he said, gently guiding him over to the bed. “Let’s breathe, okay? Just in and out, slow breaths.”

Dan listened, his breaths shaky at first.

Finally, after a couple of minutes, he had calmed down enough to speak.

“I don’t kn- know what to do,” he said, nearly whispering.

Phil kneeled down in front of him. “Life doesn’t have to be like this, Dan,” he said, taking Dan’s hands in his. “You don’t have to stay here.”

“I don’t have anything, Phil,” Dan said. “I have nothing. No money, no experience. Nothing.”

“That doesn’t matter,” Phil replied. “You can come with me. You’ll have somewhere to be.”

“It’s been two weeks,” Dan reminded him. “That’s all we’ve known each other.”

Phil shrugged. “So what? You don’t need this place, Dan. You can be somewhere else. We can get help, and life… life can be good.”

Dan was silent for a moment. He took a deep breath before he spoke. “I need to get to church,” he said.

Phil felt defeated. He didn’t know what to do. Didn’t know the right words to say. He felt like he was screwing everything up and he had no idea how to be what Dan needed.

“Will you wait until tomorrow?” Dan asked. “Just don’t leave until tomorrow, please?”

Phil nodded. “A car is picking me up at nine in the morning,” he replied. 

Dan started to stand, so Phil got up and moved out of the way. 

Without another word, Dan left. 

 

When Dan sat down on the front pew at church, he felt sick. 

He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what was right and what was wrong. 

No, that wasn’t true.

He did know. 

He knew exactly what was right, and what was wrong, but that didn’t make things any easier.

He had known the things that happened to him wasn’t right for a long time. But, he felt trapped. This was his life. This was where he was destined to be forever. The invisible fences were so high, so impassable, that he had resigned himself to living in this world forever.

Until Phil stepped out of that car and weaseled his way into Dan’s life.

That stupid face and that stupid smile and those stupid clothes.

Dan saw a world he hadn’t seen since he was six years old.

A world with endless possibilities. A world where he could go to university and have whatever career he wanted and be with a person he truly loved. A person  _ he  _ chose, not a person that was chosen for him.

He saw a world where he didn’t have to wear certain clothes. A world where he didn’t have to carry his Bible with him at certain places and certain times. 

A world where no one touched him when he didn’t want to be touched. A world where the scars on his back would never be open wounds again.

And as exhilarating as that was, it was equally as terrifying. 

It was terrifying because life was supposed to have rules and regulations. Strong codes of conduct that you lived by to remain at a higher standard than others.

Life was about routine and organization. 

Going outside of that made you do things you shouldn’t do. Like get rides from strangers, and drink, and go meet someone you barely know at their hotel. It can make you watch shows you shouldn’t watch and eat foods you aren’t supposed to eat.

But, God, if that was considered wrong, then how were the things Joshua was doing considered okay?

Dan couldn’t help but wonder why he was supposed to suffer for other people? Why had he been forced to be hurt nearly every day for years just so no one else would have to go through what he went through?

He knew he’d do it again. He’d sacrifice himself for Timothy, or any other child, in a heartbeat… but, that was part of the problem too.

He was so willing to give up every bit of himself for others, but he wasn’t willing to stop it all.

Other people had tried before him, and they failed. Joshua had pleaded his case and made those former members look like absolute fools. 

But, maybe Dan had something they didn’t.

Maybe he really could end all of this.

Maybe he could have a happy ending.

Everything felt like such a risk.

Staying here was a risk.

Leaving was a risk.

There was no perfect solution.

But, he had to choose one.

 

A few minutes into his deep thoughts, Joshua walked out and smiled toward the congregation.

Dan did everything he was supposed to do. Everything he was  _ expected  _ to do. He stood when everyone else did. He bowed his head and closed his eyes when prayer began. He sang along with the hymns. He sat and looked toward Joshua as the sermon began.

He didn’t really listen to the service. He had no idea what Joshua was saying. He was just tracking his movement, pretending he was listening even though he didn't have a clue as to what was going on.

It was a skill he had picked up many years ago.

He didn’t always use it; sometimes he actually did listen to the sermon. But, other times, he just couldn’t pay attention. He couldn’t handle listening to the sound of Joshua’s voice, or the words that were spewing out of his mouth. 

But then, Joshua looked at him.

He looked at Dan, and Dan swore his heart stopped for a second.

It didn’t last long, but it felt like everything was in slow motion to Dan. Their eyes met and Joshua’s lips turned up into a tiny smile. 

He’d done it so many times before, but it never made Dan feel the way he felt right now. 

His stomach churned. He couldn’t even find it in him to fake a smile back.

He knew Joshua would question why he ignored the smile. He didn’t like to be ignored.

That’s why Dan was surprised when his smile didn’t falter. 

And then Dan realized he wasn’t looking at him, he was looking behind him.

Dan waited until Joshua had moved on, then he briefly turned his head to the side.

Out of the corner of his eye there was a family. They were newer to the community, only here for a couple of months now, and they brought two kids with them.

There was a girl, barely two, and a boy… A boy around twelve or thirteen.

That’s who Joshua was looking at.

That’s who Joshua was smiling at.

Bile rose in Dan’s throat and he had to force himself to not throw up then and there. 

He clenched his hands into tight fists, his fingernails digging into his palms. His whole body felt like it was vibrating.

He wanted to run out of the church right then and there. 

He knew what he had to do now.

His hesitation was gone.

 

Dan waited until he knew the Winder’s would be asleep, then he headed over.

He threw little rocks at Phil’s window, like always, then walked to the front door once Phil peaked his head out and saw him.

Once Dan was inside and they were up in Phil’s room, Dan closed the door. 

He stayed near the door, his back leaning against it, as Phil stood by the bed.

They were both silent for a moment, neither sure what to say. 

Phil didn’t want to say the wrong thing, but he couldn’t let the silence last forever.

“Dan, I can’t even imagine what you must be going through,” he began, “and I’m sorry if it seems like I pushed you to-”

“I want to come with you,” Dan interrupted, the words coming out louder than intended. 

Phil froze, his mouth hanging open slightly. “You want… what?”

“I want to come with you,” Dan repeated, more sure this time. He stepped closer to Phil. “I need… I need time though. I- Will you wait for me, just for a day or two? At the motel?”

“I- Yeah,” Phil answered quickly. “Why though?”

“There’s something I need to do here first. I have to… I need to talk to Timothy, and I- I just need a couple of days.”

Phil tried to remain calm, but he was so happy to be getting Dan out of there that he couldn’t stay still. He rushed forward, wrapping Dan up in the biggest hug he could manage.

Dan hugged him back, his arms wrapping around Phil’s waist as he turned his head into Phil’s neck.

“I’m so proud of you,” Phil said, trying to stop himself from getting choked up.

Dan let out a shaky breath. “I’m scared,” he admitted quietly.

“I know,” Phil replied, nodding his head against Dan’s shoulder. He held onto Dan a bit tighter. “I am too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for all the comments and messages on here and tumblr! Y'all are the best :)
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	19. Psalm 27:1

_ The Lord is my light and my salvation;  _

_ whom shall I fear? _

_ The Lord is the stronghold of my life; _

_ of whom shall I be afraid? _

_ Psalm 27:1 _

 

“I won’t have much to bring,” Dan whispered into the dark room. He and Phil were lying in bed, as they had been for hours now, just talking about the world and the future. Phil had told him all about London, and his apartment, and how Dan could have the guest room so he would have space of his own.

“That’s fine,” Phil replied. “My apartment has a lot of stuff in it already, and we can get the things you need.”

“I’ll pay you back,” Dan assured him. “As quickly as I can get settled and start working, I’ll pay you back.”

Phil ran his hand over Dan’s arm, up and down in a soothing motion. “Don’t worry about that,” he said. “I don’t care about that stuff.”

“I do though. I want to be able to pay you back one day.”

Phil sighed. “I tell you what, whenever you start working, after you get your first paycheck, you can buy me a coffee.”

Dan paused. “A coffee? That’s me paying you back?”

“It is to me,” Phil said, a small smile on his face. “There’s a really good coffee shop nearby, but the coffees are nearly five pounds. Buying me one of those would make me the happiest Phil alive.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “You’re such a nerd, Lester.”

Phil snuggled closer to Dan, wrapping his arm around Dan’s waist. He tucked his head just under Dan’s, his face pressed close to Dan’s shoulder.

“Two days, right? Then you’ll be at the motel?”

Dan nodded. “Yeah, that’s all I need.”

“You should try to get Timothy to come with you,” Phil said. “We could make the room at my place.”

“Yeah, I… I might do that, if you don’t mind.”

“Not at all.”

Dan pressed a kiss to the top of Phil’s head, then let out a deep breath. “I need to get back to my house soon.”

Phil held onto him a bit tighter. “I know.”

“A couple of days will pass by fast, Philip. It’ll be fine.”

“Yeah, I… I can’t help it though. I’ll worry until you’re with me, outside of this place.”

“I know,” Dan replied. He ran his fingers through Phil’s hair. “Just focus on work, and I’ll text you from the phone you gave me. That’ll help.”

“Okay… Okay, that sounds good.” Phil moved back a little, propping himself up on his elbow so he could look at Dan. “Dan, can- when you leave, can we call the police? Can we try to do something so Josh-”

“Don’t worry about that,” Dan interrupted, keeping his voice calm and quiet. “We’ll take care of that, don’t worry.”

Phil nodded. “Good. Just try to avoid him as much as possible until you leave, okay?”

“I will, I promise.”

Phil let out a little breath of relief. “Thank you.”

Dan smiled, reaching a hand up to cup Phil’s cheek. He pulled him down for a kiss, closing his eyes and soaking in every last second of being with Phil.

He knew he’d get to see him soon, but two days felt like forever away, and he was still terrified of his new future. 

When the kiss reluctantly ended, Dan brushed his thumb over Phil’s cheek. “Two days. Countdown starts the second I leave the room.”

Picking up on Dan’s habit, Phil bit at his bottom lip nervously. “Okay,” he said, scooting back so Dan was able to get up.

Dan stood and ran his hands over his clothes, trying to get out wrinkles that would never disappear that way. He walked over to the door, looking back at Phil as he opened it. “See you soon,” he said, giving Phil a smile before he left out the door.

Phil laid back, staring up at the ceiling. “See you soon.”

 

When Phil got to the motel, he dropped his luggage at the door and walked straight to the bed. He flopped down on it, pulled his cellphone out of his pocket, and called Will.

“You’ve got Will, may I ask who’s calling?”

“Oh shut up,” Phil replied, “you know it’s me.”

“Phil?” Will questioned, faking surprise. “No, this can’t be Phil. Phil still has another three or four days at God’s Guard. I mean, I suppose Phil  _ could  _ be calling from there, but his track record of doing that once and never again suggests that isn't so. However, if Phil-”

“This is going on for too long,” Phil interrupted.

“When should I have stopped?”

“Probably before you started.”

Will sighed. “Why are you calling, Phil? I mean, other than to destroy all of my future comedian dreams.”

Phil sat up, scooting back on the bed. He tapped his shoes together, staring at some dirt on the toe. “I, uh, I got kicked out,” he replied.

He was met with silence.

“Did you hear me?” He asked.

“Yeah, I- I think there must be some sort of problem with the phones. You got what now?”

“I got kicked out,” Phil repeated.

“I’m going to have to put you on hold for a minute,” Will said, “while I call for a cake.”

_ “Will-” _

_ “ _ And decorations. We’ll need streamers and balloons. I’ll have to get a clown. Do you have a problem with clowns?”

“Come on, Will.”

Will laughed. “I can’t help it, Phil. How the hell did you manage to get kicked out? What did you do? And did you record yourself doing it?”

Phil rolled his eyes and groaned. He kicked his shoes off, then laid back down, his head resting on the pillow. “I may have accused the leader, Joshua, of being gay.”

“Oh… Oh, no.”

“Actually, if I remember correctly, I called him a top tier homo.”

“That’s… That’s interesting, I suppose. What brought this on, exactly?”

Phil dropped his arm over his face. “God, so many things,” he said. “I don’t even know where to begin.”

“I think this is a story I’d prefer to hear in person,” Will said, “so I won’t ask anymore questions until you’re back. When should you be getting here? A few hours?”

“Mmm, yeah, that’s another thing.”

“Oh, God, you’re in jail, aren’t you? Fuck. How much is bail?”

_ “Shut up, Will.  _ I’m not in jail. I’m just… I’m bringing home a guest.”

Will was silent for a moment. “A guest?”

“Yes.”

“Who is this guest?”

“The man who was my chaperone.”

“Good teeth?”

“Yeah, that’s him.”

Phil could hear Will mutter out a, “Fuck.”

“Will-”

“I’m sure there’s plenty more to go along with this, but again, I’d rather hear it in person, so I’m not going to ask. When will you be home?”

“A couple of days. He needed to get some things in order before he met me here.”

“Okay… Okay, well, j- just call me if you need anything, alright?”

“I will.”

“That’s my name.”

“What?” Phil asked.

“Will.”

“What about it?”

“You said “I will” and Will is my name.”

“Oh my God!” Phil groaned. “I’m hanging up.”

Phil ended the call and tossed his phone down onto the bed. He turned onto his side and looked at the clock.

_ 9:26am _

Two days. 

Two days from now, Dan would be safe, and they’d be together again.

 

At noon, Timothy met Dan by the tree. 

“Why do you look so happy?” Timothy asked, coming to sit beside Dan.

Dan handed him a bottle of apple juice and a half of a sandwich. “Did you hear the Philip had to leave?” He asked.

Timothy nodded. “Yeah. I expected you to be upset. Did you two have a falling out?”

Dan shook his head. “No, I…” Dan paused, forcing his own happiness away so he could talk to Timothy. “I’m going with him,” he said.

Timothy slowly chewed the bite of sandwich in his mouth, not responding until after he had swallowed. “Really?” He said. “That’s, um, that’s great, Daniel.”

Dan nudged Timothy with his arm. “Look at me, please.”

Timothy sighed, but looked over at Dan. “I really am happy for you, Daniel.”

“I know you are. But, I- I want you to come with me,” he said, lowering his voice. “You don’t have to stay here.”

“Daniel, I-”

“Please, Timothy. Phil said there would be plenty of room for us both at his place. We could start a new life. We-”

“Daniel, I can’t,” Timothy interrupted. “You know I can’t. My family… I love my family.”

Dan nodded. “I know. I know you do. Do you… Do you think I don’t love mine?” He asked. He wasn’t accusing, he was just genuinely concerned.

“No, that’s not what I meant,” Timothy answered quickly. “I know you love your parents, but it’s different for you and me. I know you need to go, I know you’d be better off out there. We’ve both known that forever. All of our talks all these years…” Timothy turned so he could face Dan better. “You were never meant to be here, Daniel. Even before Phil came, I knew you’d be gone before your wedding.”

“You did? How?”

“You’ve had one foot out the door since you got here. You’re the one who has made me the person I am. I’m not… I’m not like the other people here. At least, not in every way. The whole thing with Joshua and the marriage, well, that was just a last straw for you. I could tell.”

Dan blinked away the tears in his eyes. “The invitation is always open,” he said, “if you ever decide you want to be someplace else.”

Timothy reached over and squeezed Dan’s hand. “Thank you.”

“I, um, I have one favor to ask.”

“What’s that?”

“Is your house going to be empty tonight?”

Timothy thought for a moment. “There’s a meeting for all the farmers, so my dad and I will be gone. My mum and sisters are all going on a playdate with some other families, so yes, it should be.”

“I need to use your dad’s computer and printer,” Dan replied. Timothy’s house was one of the only ones with good wifi, simply because Timothy’s dad often printed out tracts or pamphlets.

“Yeah, sure. That should be fine. I’ll let him know.”

“No, don’t,” Dan said in a rush. “It’s… Don’t, please.”

Timothy nodded. “Okay. Okay, do whatever you need.”

“Thank you.” Dan leaned back against the tree, looking out at the fields around him. “I’m going to miss you so much, Timothy.”

Timothy smiled sadly. “I’ll miss you too, Daniel.”

 

That night, Phil felt lonely. He didn’t realize just how lonely he was until he looked at the clock and saw he was lying down for bed before nine o’clock.

Today had felt like the longest day of his life, and he was sure tomorrow would feel even longer.

He tried to distract himself anyway that he could, but everything seemed to bring Dan into his mind.

He had texted him a couple of times throughout the day, and Dan had texted back, but Phil didn’t want to bother him. He knew Dan would want to spend as much time with Timothy as he could, so Phil didn’t want to intrude on the limited time they had together.

Phil reached over and grabbed his phone off of the nightstand, pulling himself up until he was sitting with his back against the headboard. He turned on the bedside lamp and unlocked his phone. He went to his contacts, scrolling down until he got to his mum’s number, then he pressed her name to call her.

“What happened, Child?” She answered.

“Hello to you too, Mum.”

“Sorry, Phil, but you shouldn’t be calling for a few more days. Did something happen?”

“Um, yeah, actually.”

“Oh, no, what is it? Please, tell me you’re not joining that cult? Phil, I can’t handle something like that hap-”

“Mum, Mum, please!” He exclaimed, trying to quiet her. “I’m not joining the cult. I actually got kicked out of it.”

“Oh, thank God!”

_ “Mum!” _

“Well, I’d rather you be out than in!”

Phil brought two fingers to the bridge of his nose, pressing down to relieve himself of some of the building pressure there.

“Mum, I need to talk to you.”

“Let me sit down first,” she said. Phil could hear some shuffling through the phone. “Okay, tell me. What’s the matter?”

“Well, um, it’s actually a bit complicated.”

“I expected nothing less, Dear.”

Phil rolled his eyes. “There’s… There’s someone that’s actually going to be coming with me.”

Kathryn was silent for a moment. “Someone from the cult?”

“Yes.”

“Who?”

“His name is Dan. Daniel Howell, he was my chaperone while I was there.”

“Yes, you’ve mentioned him.”

“Yeah, well, it’s him.”

“Okay.” Kathryn sounded confused. “There’s something you’re not telling me.”

Phil tossed the covers off of him, suddenly feeling hot. “We, uh, we got close while I was there and he confided in me a lot and he decided he didn’t want to stay at God’s Guard,” he let out in a rush.

“How close did you get?” Kathryn asked.

“Uh…  _ very  _ close.”

“Oh dear.”

Phil suddenly felt himself becoming a bit short of breath. “I’m just… I’m fine, you know, but I’m kind of. I think I’m freaking out a little bit.” He got out of the bed and began walking around the room, bringing his thumb to his mouth and biting at the nail. “It’s… It’s happening fast, right? And we’re going to be living together, and that’s fine, but is it really fine? Should that be happening? Like, that’s not really normal, right? God, it’s hot in this room-”

“Phil!” Kathryn exclaimed. “I need you to calm down, alright?”

Phil nodded. “Mhm. Mhm, okay. I can do that.”

“And tell me why you’re panicking. Is it because you barely know each other and he’s about to be living with you?”

Phil took a minute to breathe, then he sat down on the edge of the bed. “No,” he answered honestly. “No, it’s… it’s the fact that that  _ should  _ be weird, but it doesn’t really feel weird? I feel like I know more about him than anyone else on the planet, and he knows so much about me too. But I’m worried about the fact that I’m the only person he’s known outside of this cult since he was six, and what if he’s only with me because of that reason? Like, what if he doesn’t really like me once he’s out in this real world? I want him to have real life experiences, but what if I’m going to end up tying him down just like the cult has done his whole life? And why didn’t I try and help sooner? I knew something was wrong from the beginning, but I didn’t do anything and I still feel like I’m not doing anything. And I don’t understand why I’d be the one to fall in love with a soon-to-be ex-cult member. Nothing makes sense in my head and there’s so much going on in there I feel like I might explode.”

“You’re in love with him?” Kathryn asked.

Phil was confused. “What?”

“You said you fell in love with him.”

“I- I did?”

“You did.”

“Oh… That’s not really the whole point of this talk, Mum.”

Kathryn let out a deep breath. “Unfortunately, Phil, I don’t think I can answer all your questions. Mainly because I have so many of my own. These are things you and Dan will have to discuss together. But, Phil?”

“Yeah?”

“He’s leaving behind a place he’s known since he was a child, and he’s doing that because you showed him there’s more to life than what’s in that community. Don’t doubt yourself, or the way he feels. No one knows if it will work out between you two, but no one in the world knows if they’ll be with someone forever. Day by day, that’s all we can do.”

Phil closed his eyes, his breaths evening out a bit. “Mum?”

“Yes, Dear?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Child.”

 

Dan had finished at Timothy’s house and put all of the items he had printed into the backpack he’d be taking with him. 

Once he was done, the backpack safely placed in his room, he headed over to the office.

It was late, so Joshua and Gerald would be home by now.

Dan still needed to write his parents a note tomorrow, but for tonight, he had one thing left to do.

He snuck into the office building, looking around to make sure no one saw him. 

Once inside, he held his breath to listen for any noises.

When he didn’t hear anything, he continued into the editing room.

He froze when he opened the door. 

He wasn’t alone as he expected to be.

In the room stood Gerald and Joshua, while his parents both sat in the chairs by his computer.

They were all staring at him, their faces a mixture of sadness, anger, and pure rage.

Dan’s heart was racing. 

He didn’t know what to do or what was happening.

He wanted to run, but he knew it was pointless.

He wouldn’t be able to get away. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel the need to start this off with an, "I'm sorry," so there's that. Thank you all for reading and commenting <3
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	20. Numbers 32:23

_...and you may be sure that your sins will find you out. _

_ Numbers 32:23 _

 

Phil waited for another whole day to pass. He thought it would never end. 

He had tried texting Dan all throughout the day and never got a response. 

After a few hours, he began to worry. He wasn’t sure if he should, but he decided to call Dan and see if he’d answer.

But, Dan never answered.

Phil was too paranoid to leave any messages, in fear that someone may find the phone and listen to it. 

So many thoughts flashed through his mind all day and night that he never got any rest.

Once the sun rose, Phil got up out of bed. He got all of his things ready, knowing Dan would be there before noon.

But, hours passed by, and noon turned into two o’clock, and two turn into four, and Dan still wasn’t there.

Phil had gone for walks around the town, paced all over his motel room, worried until he felt like he was going insane, and stopped himself from calling the police multiple times.

He decided to call Will and get his mind off of things for a little while. 

Dan probably just needed more time to get everything in order.

There was no reason to worry.

“Hey, Phil! You on your way? How’s the teeth doing?”

“Um, he’s actually not with me yet,” Phil replied.

“Oh… How come? Did something happen?”

“No, I… I don’t really know,” Phil replied. “I’ve been going crazy all day. He won’t answer the phone I got for him and he was supposed to be here this morning.”

“That’s weird,” Will said. “Is there anyone else you could call?”

“Is that seriously your suggestion to me, Will?”

“I’m sorry!” Will exlaimed. “I’m not exactly an expert on this. Maybe he, I don’t know, decided not to come?”

Phil sighed and sat down on his bed. “I just don’t think he’d do that, Will. You didn’t see how determined he was to get away. I’m worried about him.”

“Why don’t you call the police then?”

“I’ve thought about it, but I keep stopping myself.”

“How come?”

“Because he told me to wait until he was with me, then we’d take care of everything.”

“What’s that even mean?” Will asked.

Phil shook his head. “I have no idea.”

“Look, Phil, I know you like this guy and him trusting you means a lot to you, but…” His voice trailed off.

“What?” Phil asked. “You can tell me.”

“There’s gotta come a time where you stop worrying about losing trust and realizing that you could lose him. I mean, I don’t know all that’s going on or whatever, but I’ve been reading up on this place, so it’s not too hard to guess. If everything I’ve read is true… that place is fucked up, Phil.”

“It’s true,” Phil replied. “I’m sure it is.”

“Then stop hesitating and do what you know is right, regardless of whether or not Dan will like you for it.”

Phil took a deep breath. “You’re right. I’m gonna c-” A beeping on Phil’s phone caused him to pause. He looked at the screen and saw an incoming call from Dan’s number.

“Speak of the devil,” he said to Will. “I gotta go, he’s calling.”

“Keep me updated.”

“I will.”

Phil switched the call and quickly brought the phone back to his ear. “Dan! Are you okay? What’s happened?”

“Is… This is Phil, right?”

Phil froze. That wasn’t Dan’s voice. It was a familiar one though.

“Timothy?” Phil questioned. 

“Yeah, it’s Timothy.”

Phil stood up, resuming his pacing. “Why are you calling me? What happened?”

“Um, it’s… Phil, I-”

“Timothy, tell me what happened!” Phil demanded, the words coming out harsher than he intended. He couldn’t help it though. He knew something was wrong, and he needed to know what it was.

“Daniel’s hurt,” Timothy let out in a rush. 

Phil froze in place. “He’s what?”

“He’s hurt.”

“What do you mean?”

“Yesterday, um, something happened. I don’t really know what, but Joshua ended up hurting him really bad.”

Phil felt like he was about to throw up. “How was he hurt?” He asked.

“He beat him, a lot. I think Gerald ended up having to stop him, but his parents were there too. It’s hard for Daniel to talk so I can’t get much from him.”

As Phil stayed on the phone with Timothy, he rushed out of his room and headed down to the motel lobby. “Has he been to the doctor?”

“The doctor here checked him and said he didn’t need a hospital but I think he does. His breathing keeps getting worse.”

“Are you there with him alone right now?”

“Yes,” Timothy replied. “His parents are with Joshua at the office. I had to go all around the house until I could find a spot that would let me call you.”

“Where are you?”

“I’m in the upstairs bathroom, standing in the tub.”

“Okay, I- hold on, Timothy,” Phil put the phone down over his chest, “I need you to call a cab for me, please,” he said to the manager of the motel, “it’s an emergency.”

The manager nodded and quickly headed to the back office.

“Timothy, you there?” He asked, bringing the phone back to his ear. 

“Yes, I’m here.”

“Okay, I want you to go back to Dan. Stay with him. I’m going to call the police and I’m coming there.”

“Phil, you can’t just sneak in, they’re going to know if you show up.”

“l’ll figure something out. I’m coming though.”

Timothy sighed. “Okay, I… Go to the side entrance, okay? I’ll meet you there. How soon will you be here?”

“About fifteen minutes. I want you to stay with Dan-”

“You’ll never get to him without me, so shut up and listen. Call the police on your way, you’ll probably get here before they do. I’ll meet you at the side entrance, do  _ not  _ walk in here without me. Understand?”

Phil was shocked by Timothy taking control. “I understand.”

“Good. Now go.”

Phil hung up the phone just as the manager headed back out into the lobby. “A car will be out front within the next couple of minutes, Sir.”

“Thank you.”

Phil pushed the door open to head back outside as he brought up the keypad on his phone. He dialed 999 and put the phone to his ear, making a call he knew he should have made a long time ago.

 

Just as Timothy said, Phil made it to God’s Guard before the police did. 

He was met with silence as he was dropped off near the side entrance.

The sun beginning to set didn’t make him feel anymore at ease as he made his way through the woods, toward the spot where he and Dan met and talked together. The spot where Dan revealed his darkest secrets to Phil. The spot where Phil let him down by not doing more than what he did.

Phil froze when he heard a noise near him. He looked around, unsure as to whether he was hearing an animal or a person.

When he heard a short whistle, he knew it had to be a person.

He wasn’t sure if he should hide or not, but his feet froze in place, making the decision for him.

“Phil?” Someone whispered.

He hoped it was Timothy.

“Phil, is that you?”

Phil looked toward the noise. “Timothy?”

There were some louder footsteps, then Timothy came into view.

“Come with me,” Timothy said, getting right to the point. Phil was happy for that. “No one’s around here right now. I might be able to get you to Dan’s place without any problems. It shouldn’t matter too much anyway,” he continued, leading Phil out of the woods, “because the police should be here soon.”

“Does Dan know I called them?” Phil asked.

Timothy nodded. “I told him.”

“Did he say anything?”

“Not really. He just held onto my hand until I knew I had to come meet you. He’s not…” Timothy looked over at Phil. “He’s not doing great, Phil.”

“What happened to him?” Phil asked.

“He- Wait, let’s go this way,” Timothy said, leading Phil in another direction as a couple of women came into view. “He went to the office to do something, I don’t know what, and his parents, Gerald, and Joshua were all there. Daniel just kept saying Joshua lied on him, but I don’t know what he lied about. And then they let Joshua hurt him.” Timothy’s voice cracked as he spoke, and Phil looked over to see his eyes were filled with tears. “He hurt Daniel so bad, Phil. Worse than he’s ever hurt anyone. Daniel said God told Joshua to do it, and his parents let it happen. He said something about Gerald having to stop him.” Timothy shook his head. “I can’t imagine what he went through.”

Phil’s blood was boiling. He couldn’t get to Dan fast enough.

Thankfully, they reached his house without passing by anyone. Anytime they came close, Timothy had quickly changed their route.

Timothy entered the house cautiously, listening to make sure Dan’s parents weren’t home.

When he knew the house was empty, he let Phil follow behind him. “They haven’t even checked on him since it happened,” Timothy said, leading Phil upstairs.

Phil’s heard pounded harder with each step he took. He felt shaky, and dizzy, and absolutely terrified. He didn’t know what he’d see, or how bad off Dan would be. 

And he couldn’t help the sinking feeling in his gut telling him it was all his fault.

Timothy opened Dan’s door slowly, peeking his head around to check that he wasn’t asleep.

“Daniel,” he said, “Phil’s here.”

“O- Okay,” Dan replied. Phil felt so relieved to hear his voice, even before he got to see him.

Timothy came into the room and Phil stepped in behind him. 

Dan was lying in bed, flat on his back, the covers up to his chest. His face looked okay, there were no bruises or markings of any kind. 

His hair was messy, and extra curly. Some loose strands of hair clung to his sweaty forehead.

“Hey,” Phil said, quickening his pace to kneel at Dan’s bedside. “Hey, I’m here,” he said, noticing how hard it was for Dan’s eyes to stay open.

Dan moved a hand out from under the covers, opening it for Phil to take. “Mi… Missed you,” Dan said, his lips turning up into a tiny smile.

Phil brought his free hand up to Dan’s forehead, brushing away the hair. He couldn’t help but notice Dan’s teeth were chattering, and he was shaking. He was paler than Phil had ever seen him before, and he felt like he had a fever.

“What happened?” Phil asked. “Where’d he hurt you?”

“Stomach,” Dan said, his voice barely a whisper.

“I think he has broken ribs,” Timothy said. Phil had already forgotten he was in the room. “He’s got a lot of bruises.”

“Do you mind if I look?” Phil asked, running his hand over Dan’s cheek.

Dan shook his head.

“Here, I’ll help you.” Timothy came up beside Phil and gently pulled back the covers. Phil softly lifted up Dan’s shirt, stopping briefly when Dan sucked in a breath.

“H- Hurts,” he said.

“I know, I’m sorry,” Phil replied. He lifted the shirt up the rest of the way and swore his heart stopped for a moment.

His chest and stomach appeared to be covered in black, blue, and even green bruises. It looked like he was hit and kicked repeatedly. 

Phil shared a look with Timothy, then they fixed Dan’s shirt and covers back so he’d be comfortable. “Listen, Dan,” Phil said, taking his hand again. “The police will be here any second, okay? They’ll take you to the hospital and make you all better.”

“Th- Thank you,” Dan said, his eyes closing again. They didn’t reopen this time. Phil began to panic for second before he saw the sheets moving with Dan’s breath.

“He’s been falling asleep like that all day,” Timothy said.

“I don’t-” Phil stopped when he heard the sounds of sirens… Lot’s of sirens. 

“Stay with him,” Timothy said, heading toward the door. “I’ll lead them here.”

Before Phil could get in another word, Timothy was gone. 

Phil stayed by Dan’s side, keeping a light grip on Dan’s hand. Every second that passed by felt like an hour. Every noise he heard made his stomach clench with anxiety.

After a few seconds, Dan’s eyes opened back up. “What’s hap- happening?” He asked, hearing the sirens.

“Help will be here soon,” Phil assured him. “They’re coming to help you.”

Dan nodded, letting out a shaky breath.

“Dan, you have to promise me you’ll be honest and tell them the truth,” Phil said, making sure Dan looked right at him as he spoke. “Promise me that, please.”

“I- I promise,” Dan replied, squeezing Phil’s hand. “I’m done. I promise.”

“Thank you.”

“Just m- make sure you… you get my bag,” Dan said, looking toward his closet. Phil looked back to see a backpack right beside it.

“Okay, I will.”

Just as Dan’s eyes started to close again, Phil heard people rushing into the house. A few seconds later, Timothy, along with some EMTs, practically burst in.

“This him?” One asked.

“Yes,” Timothy replied. “That’s Daniel.”

“Hi, Daniel,” the EMT said. He was in his mid-thirties, muscular, with dark brown hair and a gentle smile. 

Phil stood up and tried to let go of Dan’s hand, but Dan held onto him tighter.

“It’s okay,” Phil said. “They won’t hurt you.”

“He’s right,” the man said. “Daniel, my name is Harry. My partner back there is Sheryl."

Phil looked back at Sheryl, who was keeping her distance and standing by the stretcher. She was a small woman, barely five foot, and the concern on her face let Phil know that she was probably new.

“He’s a little nervous around police,” Phil explained.

“Well, it’s a good thing I’m not police then, isn’t it?” He asked, smiling down at Dan. “Daniel, can you tell me where you’re hurt? I wanna make the switch to the stretcher as painless as possible.”

“My… My stomach,” he replied, still not letting go of Phil.

“Okay. You mind if I take a little look?”

“I’m gonna let you go,” Phil said, looking down at Dan, “but I’ll stay right here, I promise.”

“Yeah, we’ll keep your friend with you for as long as we can,” Harry assured him.

Dan reluctantly let go of Phil. “Okay.”

“Great. Sheryl, will you come over here, please?”

Sheryl hurried over to Harry’s side as Phil took a step back to stand beside Timothy.

They worked together to pull off Dan’s covers and lift up his shirt. Surprisingly, Dan didn’t even flinch like he had when Timothy and Phil did it.

Phil wondered if they had a gentler hand, or if Dan was too scared to react to the pain.

He hoped it was the former of the two.

Harry gave no reaction to the bruises, but Phil could see Sheryl’s eyes widen a bit.

“Okay,” Harry said, slowly putting Dan’s shirt back down. “Daniel, we’re going to get you onto this stretcher now, and then take you down to the ambulance. Would you like your-” He turned back to Phil. “What’s your name?”

“Phil.”

Harry nodded, then faced Dan again. “Would you like Phil to come with you?”

“P- Please,” Dan replied.

“Alright. Now, I’m going to make this as painless as possible, but I can’t guarantee that moving you over to the stretcher won’t hurt at all. Can you do something for me?”

“Yes.”

“I want you to take a breath in, not a deep one, just whatever you can do without it hurting too much. Then, as we move you over, slowly let it out.”

Phil and Timothy both stood back a little more so they had room to do as they needed.

“Where are the police?” Phil asked.

“They’re waiting downstairs,” Timothy replied. “EMTs needed to come up first. Once they take him down, that’s when they’ll ask who did it.”

As they moved Dan to the stretcher, Phil watched Dan scrunch up his face in pain, but he never made a sound. Once they had lifted the stretcher back up to its normal height, they pulled out a clipboard to write a couple of things down. 

Timothy moved over to Dan’s side.

“Daniel,” he said, taking hold of Dan’s hand.

Dan looked over at him, but didn’t speak.

“Daniel, you’re going to get everything you’ve always wanted,” he said, smiling at him. He kept blinking, and Phil knew he was trying to keep tears from falling. “The world you always dreamed of will come true for you.”

Dan squeezed Timothy’s hand, a tear falling from his eye and down the side of his face. “Love you,” he said quietly.

“Love you too.”

Timothy let Dan go and moved to the back of the room, wiping at his eyes as he did.

Phil wanted to talk to him, but Harry put the clipboard down and went to one end of the stretcher while Sheryl went to the other. “Phil, you coming?”

“Yes, I’m coming,” he answered quickly.

“Okay, let’s go then. When we get downstairs, the police are going to ask you a question, Daniel. Tell them who did this, and then we’ll be on the way to the hospital to get you fixed up good as new. You understand?”

“Yes, I understand,” Dan said, shaking even more than before.

“It’ll be okay,” Phil said, running his fingers through Dan’s hair. “It will.”

 

In under a minute, Sheryl and Harry had Dan downstairs. 

It was quieter than Phil expected. Only one officer was in the house.

“I’m Officer Franks,” a woman said, coming to Dan’s side. The EMTs didn’t stop, but continued rolling Dan out of the house. “Is your name Daniel Howell?”

“Yes,” Dan replied.

“Daniel, can you tell me who did this to you?”

Phil expected hesitation, but there was none.

“Joshua,” he replied. “Th- The leader here, Joshua.”

“Thank you, Mr. Howell. We’ll take it from here.”

With that, she was gone.

Phil took a moment to look away from Dan and around the compound.

While it had been quiet inside the house, it wasn’t quiet outside.

Men, women, and children were all around, watching everything that was happening. 

Officers surrounded the place, some walking and some running, going to search for Joshua.

Everything seemed to move in slow motion.

Phil felt like he was in a movie.

God, he wished this were a movie.

He wished none of this was real, and that Dan wasn’t hurt, and that everything was fine.

But, as he climbed into the ambulance and sat by Dan’s side, he knew that this was no movie.

This was no nightmare.

This was reality.

And,  _ fuck, _ sometimes reality just sucked.

 

Phil sat in the hospital, reading a magazine, one leg crossed over the other, as he glanced up at Dan for probably the hundredth time that day.

He didn’t look back down at his magazine this time, however, as Dan was staring back at him.

“Hey, you,” Phil said, a little smile coming up on his face. “How long have you been awake?”

“Not l- long,” Dan replied, trying to blink all the blurriness from his eyes. “How long’ve I been asleep?” He asked, his words slurring a little bit.

“About six hours this time.”

“H- How long…” His voice trailed off as he brought a hand up to rub his eyes.

“How long have you been here?” Phil asked for him.

Dan nodded.

“Two days now. Almost three. You seem more awake this time than all the others though.”

“Wha’ happened?” Dan asked.

“Do you remember anything?” Phil asked, standing up by Dan's bed.

“I mean… I mean, to me.”

“You mean your injuries?”

“Mhm.”

“The doctor came in and told you the last time you woke up, but you were out of it then. You have four broken ribs. Lots of bruising over your torso. You’ll be in the hospital a few more days, then we’ll stay at a place nearby until you’re able to travel.”

Dan closed his eyes and let out a breath. “Water.”

Phil grabbed a cup of water from Dan's tray and brought it to his mouth. “Just take a couple of sips,” he said, “at least, for now.”

Dan listened, taking a few small sips before pulling away. “Will he go to jail?” He asked, his voice less raspy now.

Phil set the cup back down. “The police are going to be coming in about a day or two to speak with you. They want to get a statement about what happened, but yeah. If you… If you tell them everything, he’ll go to prison.”

“Did you… Did you get my bag?” Dan asked.

“Yeah, it’s right over by the window.”

“Br- Bring it to me, please.”

Phil went and got the backpack, then brought it over to the bed.

“Open it,” Dan instructed.

Phil unzipped the backpack. “Okay, it’s open.”

“There are p- papers in there. A stack of them stapled together. Get th- them, please.”

Phil pulled the papers out. He couldn’t help but notice what was written on the first page. “Dan, what… What is this?”

“Emails,” Dan replied. “He’s been sending them f- for years. Made me get an email address so… so he could send me things. I kept them all.”

Phil went to look through them, but stopped himself. “Can I?” He asked, looking at Dan to make sure it was okay.

“Go ahead.”

Phil turned the pages, skimming over each email.

“Dan?”

“Yeah?”

“I think Joshua’s going to be in prison for a _very_ long time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your patience! It's been so annoying to not be able to write as much, but I'm glad you are all still enjoying the fic and looking forward to updates.
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	21. John 13:34

_ "A new command I give you: _

_ Love one another.  _

_ As I have loved you, _

_ so you must love one another." _

_ John 13:34 _

 

Dan spent the next three days in the hospital, and Phil stayed by his side as much as he could.

There were a couple of times Dan forced him to leave, making him go to a motel and shower, change, and pick up some good food for them to eat.

One of the times Phil was gone, the police came to take Dan’s statement. Phil knew he must’ve been terrified to be there alone with them, but he put on a brave face and said everything was fine.

They took Dan’s statement, copies of the emails, and Dan’s email address and password. They also promised to look through Joshua’s computers, and all the computers at God’s Guard. They promised him they’d leave no stone unturned, all he needed to do was trust them.

He told Phil that he said he did trust them, but it was still hard to fully put your trust in something that had failed you so many times.

All of the past police raids, all of the articles that had come out from former members, all of the times it seemed Joshua was going to be gone for good… somehow, none of those stuck.

He really hoped this time would be different.

 

When Dan was released from the hospital, Phil called for a car. He made sure it was big enough for Dan to fit comfortably, where the seat would lean back and he could lie down instead of sit up.

It was hard for him to walk, and he had to lean on Phil for support, but Phil didn’t mind a bit. He held tight onto Dan’s hand and guided him from the wheelchair to the car.

Thankfully, the driver was as helpful as possible. He pulled the seat back, helped buckle Dan’s seatbelt, and warned them everytime they were about to go over a bump.

Phil had gotten a motel room nearby, staying on the first floor so Dan wouldn’t have to climb any stairs.

Their driver helped carry Dan’s things into the room while Phil helped Dan. 

Phil led Dan to the bed, helping him to lay down. He thanked the driver over and over, then closed the door behind him when he left.

He let out a deep breath, then headed back to Dan.

“Let me take your shoes off really quick,” he said, walking over to the end of the bed and beginning to untie Dan’s shoes.

Not long ago he had been bending down to help put them on and tie them up.

“Thank you,” Dan replied. He had gotten out of breath from the short walk from the car to the room, so he took a couple of slow breaths. “I’m so tired,” he admitted, rubbing his hand over his eyes.

“You need to get some sleep.” Phil took Dan’s shoes and placed them in the corner of the room, then took his own shoes off and put them beside Dan’s. “Sorry the room only has one bed,” he said, turning back to Dan. 

“Why are you sorry about that?” Dan asked, confused.

“I just…” He scratched at the back of his neck awkwardly. “I didn’t want you to think I was…” He sighed. “I don’t know.”

Dan smiled, letting out a little laugh. “You’re so cute,” he said, patting the spot next to him. “Come lay by me.”

Phil didn’t hesitate. He walked right over to the bed and laid down beside Dan, turning onto his side and wrapping his arms around Dan’s arm. “This okay?” He asked.

“Why are you acting like it wouldn’t be?” Dan asked. “We’ve slept in the same bed many times. I don’t know if you know this or not, but you’ve seen me naked.”

Phil dropped a kiss on Dan’s shoulder. “This is different,” he replied. “We’re not back  _ there  _ anymore. We’re out in the world. It’s just… It’s different.”

Dan turned his head so he could look at Phil. “Is it… Do you not want it to be like this anymore?” He asked.

“No, I do!” Phil answered quickly. “I just want to make sure you do.”

Dan blinked a few times, his eyes feeling heavy. “I don’t know if it’s because I’m tired or not, but this conversation seems to be making no sense and a lot of sense at the same time.”

Phil smiled, his face pressed against Dan’s arm. “Sleep,” he said. “We’ll talk more later.”

“Yeah,” Dan said, his eyes already falling closed. “We’ve got time.”

 

Phil never fell asleep. He laid by Dan for nearly an hour before his body started to ache from being in the same position for so long.

He slowly uncurled himself from Dan, then headed over to the table in the corner of the room.

He pulled his phone out of his pocket and checked over his messages, seeing he had texts from his mum, brother, and Will. 

Everyone knew what he was going through; he had let them in on some of the info while Dan was in the hospital.

He didn’t tell them everything; it wasn’t his place. But, he told them the things they’d be seeing in the news anyway.

He told them Joshua was arrested, and how he hurt Dan, and Dan was in the hospital with broken ribs. He told them that Dan was okay, and he’d be coming home with him afterward. He told them that the articles they had read about God’s Guard were true, everything was true, and it had still taken this long for Joshua to be arrested. He told them there were things he couldn’t tell them, and he hoped they understood that.

Thankfully, they all did. No one asked invasive questions, leaving Phil to disclose what he felt comfortable with. His mum was his support; a comfortable voice when he felt he was about to panic. His brother was a voice of reason; there to listen to all the relationship things that Phil was uncomfortable talking about with his mum. Will was the comedic relief from the stress; always there to make a terrible situation a little bit better.

He felt so lucky to have them. So lucky to have a support system. Even his dad, a man who didn’t say much, had called him and told him he’d do whatever was needed. 

He looked over at Dan, a man who looked so small and young right now, sound asleep in loose sweatpants and a t-shirt that didn’t even belong to him. Dan, who had nobody but Phil. He had lost his family, his friends, his home, and his community.

He didn’t have people to lean on like Phil did, and it broke Phil’s heart.

A tear fell down Phil’s cheek, and he quickly wiped it away. He couldn’t cry right now. He had no right to do that. He wasn’t the one who had been through twenty years of hell. He wasn’t the one suffering. 

He shouldn’t cry, not even when no one could see. 

He didn’t have a right to.

He was fine.

 

Dan woke up a few hours later. 

After using the bathroom, he headed back to bed. Phil ordered them some pizza, which would be there in half an hour, then he laid down beside Dan.

“You okay?” He asked, lying on his side and propping himself up with his elbow so he could look at Dan.

“Yeah, I’m okay. I’m gonna take my painkillers with dinner so I don’t get nauseous.”

“Okay. That’s not what I meant though.”

“Oh.” Dan put one arm under his head, then looked over at Phil. “What’d you mean?”

“I mean with leaving your parents behind, and Timothy.”

Dan turned his head toward the ceiling. “I… Well, I don’t really mind leaving my parents behind. I never thought… I mean, they just watched while Joshua- while he did this to me,” he said, placing his other hand over his stomach. “He said it was what God would want, and they just let it happen. Timothy, on the other hand… I don’t like leaving him behind, but I understand why he couldn’t come. And I know I can’t stay there any longer. I left the phone you gave me with him though,” he looked back at Phil. “I hope that’s okay.”

“Of course it is,” Phil replied. He leaned over and gave Dan a little kiss on the shoulder. “I don’t understand your parents letting this happen to you,” he admitted. “That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Did I ever tell you what Joshua told them?”

Phil shook his head. “No.”

“He put porn on my computer again. He showed it to them this time. It wasn’t just _normal_ porn either, it was gay porn, and torture stuff, and a lot of different things. He also made up fake messages, saying I was talking to people on the internet.”

“So the solution was beating you?” Phil asked, becoming angry. He sat up on the bed, crossing his legs so he could look at Dan better.

Dan shrugged. “He said it would cleanse me, or something. My parents were so angry at me and it wasn’t even mine. I tried telling them that, but they wouldn’t listen. They said Joshua wouldn’t lie, and the fact I was accusing him of it made them even angrier.”

“That’s so ridiculous, I don’t even know what to say.”

“I just don’t know how he came up with all of that stuff so fast. I think, maybe, he was planning on using it another time or something, you know? He had fake messages and everything, so I think it was to use once I was married off. Like, once he didn’t  _ want  _ me anymore, he’d use that to keep me quiet or something… I don’t know.”

“But what made him do it that night?” Phil asked. “He had to have known you were wanting to leave.”

“I know,” Dan agreed. “I just don’t know how he knew.”

“Maybe he’ll reveal his secrets to the police or something.”

Dan reached out as far as he could, tugging on Phil’s pant leg. “Come lay back by me,” he said.

Phil uncurled his legs and laid back down by Dan, resting his head on top of Dan’s shoulder.

“Do you think he’ll really go to prison?” Dan asked, his voice lower than it was before.

Phil nodded. “I do. With all the evidence, and what you told them, I think he’ll go to prison for a very long time.”

“Good. That’s… That’s good.”

“I just wish we could have gotten Gerald in prison too. I still don’t understand that.”

“The police said is would be a he said/he said and a long court battle. I could still press charges, but I… I don’t want a long court battle. He’s not like Joshua anyway. He’s a weenie who always wanted to be in charge, and now he can be.”

“You think people will follow him like they followed Joshua?”

Dan sighed. “I think they’ll follow him if they think that’s what Joshua wants them to do.”

Phil snuggled closer to Dan’s side. “I’m glad you’re not there anymore.”

“So am I.”

 

A few days later, Dan was cleared to travel.

Will sent a car for them, making sure it was one where Dan could rest easily along the way. 

He couldn’t stop staring out the window. Throughout the entire car ride, he looked out and watched the scenery change.

When they got into London, the buildings and busy city life surrounding them, he couldn’t help but get jittery.

His hands were shaking and his heart was racing. He’d never seen anything like it.

He looked away from the window when he felt a hand wrap around his own. He looked over to see Phil staring at him, a small smile on his face.

“Can we go sightseeing?” Dan asked. “I want to do everything the tourists do.”

“Of course,” Phil replied. “Once you’re fully healed, we’ll go everywhere, I promise.”

Dan smiled. “Thank you,” he said, looking back out the window.

 

When they got to Phil’s apartment, he took their things inside before coming back out to help Dan.

“I could get there by myself,” Dan said, practically sliding out of the car.

Phil took his hand. “But you’re not gonna.” 

He led them through a door, then slowly walked Dan up a flight of stairs. “This is our place,” he said, pointing to a door with the number 4 on it.

“Nice door,” Dan said, slightly out of breath. “I like it.”

Phil laughed, then opened it up and let Dan go inside first.

“It’s not much,” he said, shuffling in behind him and closing the door, “but this is the living room. The kitchen is right there, obviously,” he added, pointing to the open kitchen that connected to the living room. “Um, straight down the hall is my bedroom to the left, then across from it is the bathroom, and at the end of the hall is one other bedroom. You can use that one, if you want?”

Dan looked over at him. “Do you want me to?” He asked.

Phil shrugged, looking down at his shoes. “I like you sleeping next to me,” he admitted. “But I know you’d like to have your own space.”

“I’m not picky, Phil,” Dan replied. “If I want my own space, I’ll find a quiet spot. If you don’t mind though, I’d like to be with you. Unless you want your own space,” he added quickly. “Because I understand that and I’d-”

“No, no,” Phil interrupted. “Like I said, I like you being beside me. I just…” He sighed. “This is a really weird way for a relationship to start...”

Dan smiled. “Somehow this feels more normal than any part of my life yet.”

“We’ll take things one day at a time,” Phil said, “and learn as we go.”

Dan nodded. “Sounds like a plan.”

 

Dan laid down on the couch for a few hours while Phil sorted things out in the bedroom and bathroom. While Dan had enough things to get him through a few days, they’d definitely have to go out soon to get him some toiletries and clothes.

It was nearly six o’clock when Phil heard a knock on his door, so he headed out of their bedroom to see who it was. 

“Are you expecting anyone?” Dan asked, words slurring a bit as he woke up from his nap.

“No,” Phil replied. 

He looked out the peephole and rolled his eyes, then unlocked the door and opened it. “Will,” he greeted, “hello.”

“That’s quite possibly the worst greeting I’ve ever gotten from you, Phil, but a good ole hello to you too. Can I come in?” He asked, slipping past Phil and into the house.

Dan held onto the back of the couch as he pushed himself up into a sitting position.

“You must be Dan,” Will said, walking over to him with a hand outstretched.

Dan shook it, smiling awkwardly and glancing over at Phil. “Hello…”

“Dan, this is Will, my colleague.”

“Oh. Oh! Hi, Will. It’s nice to meet you.”

“You too. How are you feeling?”

“Better than before,” Dan replied. “Thanks for asking.”

“Of course, of course.” Will sat down on the couch, then looked over at Phil. “Are you going to sit, Phil, or stand there and stare?”

Phil sighed, but walked over to his chair and sat down. “Did I miss a call from you?” He asked.

Will shook his head. “Nope.”

“So you just showed up?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“Cause if I had called, you would have told me not to come.”

Phil glared at him. “Gee, wonder why.”

“He can’t help being curious,” Dan said. “It’s not everyday a friend brings home an ex-cult member from work.”

“See! Dan gets it. Thank you, Dan.”

“You’re welcome.”

“I can’t believe you’ve been here, what, two minutes, and you’ve already got Dan on your side.”

Will shrugged. “It’s a gift.”

“Actually, if you’ll excuse me,” Dan said, pushing himself up off the couch. Phil hurried over to him to help him up, but Dan shooed his hands away, “I’m going to go use the restroom and look through all of Phil’s cabinets and drawers. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

Phil watched as Dan headed down the hall, making sure he got to the bathroom without any problems.

“You’re whipped, Dude,” Will said once he heard the bathroom door shut.

“What are you talking about?”

“The way you look at him…  _ whipped.” _

Phil looked down, his face heating up. “Shut up.”

Will smiled. “Oh, come on, it’s not a bad thing. He’s just as bad as you, so at least you’re on the same page. He does have _excellent_ teeth, by the way. You were spot on.”

“New subject, please.”

Will rolled his eyes. “When do you plan on returning to work?” He asked. “It’s no rush or anything, just wondering.”

“I don’t know. A few weeks, probably. I want to be here until Dan heals up and learns London, so he’s not just stuck in the flat.”

“Yeah, I get that.”

“And I don’t… I don’t think I can do the article about God’s Guard,” Phil said. “It doesn’t seem right. I don’t even know what I’d write about it.”

“That’s completely up to you,” Will said. “I kind of figured you’d say that anyway.”

They sat in silence for a moment, then Phil looked over at Will as he shook his leg up and down. “So, he looks at me like I look at him?” He asked curiously.

“Oh, yeah,” Will replied. “You both look like two teenagers falling in love for the first time.”

Phil bit at his bottom lip, a grin appearing on his face. “Good.”

 

Later on that night, once Will had left, Dan and Phil were on the couch. Dan was lying down with his legs resting on Phil’s lap. An episode of Friends had just ended and Phil was getting ready to start another one.

“Hey, Phil,” Dan said, getting his attention.

“Yeah?”

“I… Earlier, I overheard you and Will talking.”

Phi’s heart sped up. He knew he shouldn’t have brought up the way they look at each other. It was weird and dumb and now Dan was about to tell him as much.

“Oh… About?” Phil asked.

“You said you weren’t going to write about God’s Guard. That you weren’t going to do the article.”

“Oh.” Phil’s heart calmed down a little bit. “Yeah, it just didn’t seem right to do it.”

“How come?”

“Well, if I write about everything that happened while I was there, it would be way too personal. I’d have to edit a lot of stuff out, and it wouldn’t feel like a real story. It seemed disrespectful.”

“Would it be too personal for you, or do you think it’s too personal for me?”

Phil thought for a moment. “Honestly?”

“Please.”

“For you.”

Dan stared at his hands, which were playing with the hem of his shirt. “Phil?”

“Yeah?”

“I want you to write the article.”

Phil was surprised. “You… You do?”

Dan nodded. “I do,” he said. He looked at Phil. “I want you to write it, and I don’t want you to leave anything out.”

Phil took a deep breath, letting it out slowly.

“Okay,” he said. “Okay, I’ll write it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel that no matter what I write, none of you will be satisfied as long as Joshua is breathing lol! I hope you enjoyed the chapter though!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	22. Isaiah 43:18-19

_Forget the former things;_

_do not dwell in the past._

_See, I am doing a new thing!_

_...I am making a way in the wilderness_

_and streams in the wasteland._

_Isaiah 43:18-19_

 

A week had passed since Dan moved into Phil’s flat. He was getting better everyday, although he still couldn’t walk for very long.

They had both stayed holed up in the flat together, living off of the dry foods Phil had left in his pantry from before he left, and delivery meals from restaurants in the area.

They had learned each others routines fairly quickly. Phil was actually surprised by how easy it was to live with another person.

The last time he had lived with someone was six years ago, with Will. They lived together for a year before Will moved out to live with his girlfriend, and it took them nearly three months to get used to one another. That was even after they had gone through college together and known one another for years.

Dan was different though. There was a simplicity to it all that Phil never expected. His mother always told him there was a learning curve for everything, and you have to get around the curve before you give up.

Phil expected a curve, but there didn’t seem to be one.

Currently, they were both on the couch. Phil was sitting at one end, while Dan laid across the couch, his feet resting over Phil’s lap. It was nearly midnight, a time where, in his past life, Dan would be sound asleep.

He found he liked the late nights now. He liked staying up for hours on end, sometimes until the sun rose, then sleeping until mid afternoon.

Seeing that Phil had always been a night owl, he loved having someone to share his late nights with now.

They were watching Friends, having made it nearly to the end of season four. Watching TV was what they had done most over the past week, and Dan’s obsession with Friends was one of the cutest things Phil had ever seen.

But, something had been on Phil’s mind for awhile, and he felt like he’d never get the nerve to ask Dan about it if he didn’t do it right now.

So, just as the next episode was starting, Phil paused the show.

“Need another pee break?” Dan asked, moving his legs off of Phil’s lap.

Phil shook his head. “No, I… I wanted to ask you something.”

“Oh.” Dan expression changed to concern. “You have your serious face on. Everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Phil answered quickly. “I mean, I think so.” He reached over and patted Dan’s leg. “Can you sit up for a sec?”

Dan slowly pulled himself up into a sitting position. It didn’t hurt nearly as much as it used to, but there was still an occasional sharp pain when he’d move too fast.

“Okay, I’m up,” he said once he was comfortably sitting on the couch, his legs folded, facing Phil. “What’s the matter?”

“Nothing’s the matter,” Phil reiterated. “I was just wondering about something.”

“Okay. What?”

“Did you… Did you ever believe in God’s Guard?”

“What do you mean?” Dan asked, his head slightly tilted toward the side. He didn’t become instantly closed off at the words, which Phil had feared.

“The teachings there, the way of life, did you ever believe in it?”

Dan thought for a second. “I’m not sure,” he replied. “I suppose, some of it, maybe? Not everything though, obviously.”

“I only ask because you didn’t seem to hesitate when it came to going against the things you had always been taught.”

Dan bit at his bottom lip. “I don’t know,” he said.

For a moment, Phil wondered if the conversation was ending there, but then Dan continued.

“I think I never really forgot the outside world,” he continued. “I tried to, but I never did, so I always felt a little off.”

“What about your parents though, and other adults there? How do they never feel off for being there?”

“I think it’s like you said a few days ago, a lot of the people there are there because they think Joshua was a savior. They were people who were out of money, and luck, and love, and they wanted help. They wanted help for their marriage, or help finding a home, help finding a job. God’s Guard was safety and security. I was six though, so I didn’t feel like I had lost everything back then. I wasn’t the one who needed the help. And God’s Guard didn’t save me.” He smiled sadly. “It _really_ didn’t save me.”

“Did you think you’d ever get to leave?” Phil asked. He hoped he wasn’t being too nosy, but they were questions he was desperate to know the answers to.

“Not really, no. Timothy and I would talk about it. I’d tell him it was my dream to leave, but I never had the guts to just do it.” He stretched out one of his legs, poking Phil’s thigh with his toe. “You gave me guts,” he said, “and a few really good orgasms.”

Phil snorted, covering his mouth with one hand and gently swatting at Dan’s foot with the other. “See, I don’t get it,” he said.

“Don’t get what?” Dan asked, laughing as well.

“You were basically secluded from the world for twenty years, but you’d never know it.”

Dan shrugged. “I had computer access,” he replied. “When I realized all the places I could go in the internet, I went! I watched YouTube, and read news articles, and found Wikipedia. I was good with computers, and I could cover my tracks well. Joshua could do little things, like, you know, look up porn and frame me for it, but he didn’t know how to find things I had deleted from my history.”

“Weren’t you afraid you’d get caught?”

“Sometimes,” Dan admitted. “But I was curious about the world, and I couldn’t keep myself from it. Plus, most of the time I’d do it would be after he’d, um… you know, and he’d leave to go be with his wife, so I knew I wouldn’t get caught.” He brought his thumb to his mouth, biting off a jagged fingernail. “It’d help me forget stuff too.”

Phil felt bad now. He didn’t mean to bring up those memories to Dan. He didn’t want him to be upset, or to have to think about all he’d been through. It was bad enough for Phil to think about it, so he never wanted Dan to have to think about it as well.

He was about to play the next episode when Dan continued to speak.

“It was hard to believe the things coming out of his mouth, especially after he started touching me and all that,” he said, staring just past Phil. “And when he’d hit me, or hit other kids, in the name of God, then he’d go on to say that God was all about love. The two just never added up to me. To me, love was never supposed to be hitting and pain, but to him that’s all it was. He was a walking contradiction and I never fully bought into it.”

“Dan, we don’t… You don’t have to talk about it,” Phil said, “if you don’t want to.”

Dan looked at Phil then. “Oh, I don’t mind, really,” he replied. “We should probably get back to watching Friends though,” he added, pointing toward the TV. “I wanna see what happens.”

Phil nodded, pressing play as Dan laid back down and returned his feet to Phil’s lap.

 

Later that night, Phil was sound asleep in bed, when the feeling of him being shaken woke him up.

“Phil… Phil… Phil, wake up!” Dan said, sounding panicky.

Phil’s head popped up. “Wha’?” He mumbled, opening his eyes. He quickly shut them back when the light from the lamp made them sting and begin to water. “What’s wrong?” He asked, rubbing over his eyes to try and clear them.

“I called the police,” Dan said.

Phil’s eyes jerked back open and he quickly sat up. “What? Right now? What happened?”

“No, not right now. Back when I was in God’s Guard.”

Phil reached over and grabbed his glasses, then looked over at Dan. Dan, who was sitting up in the bed, covers pushed off of him, with a t-shirt and sweatpants on. A t-shirt and sweatpants he wasn’t wearing when they went to bed a couple of hours ago. Dan had found he preferred sleeping in underwear, so Phil wondered at what point he had put his clothes back on.

“What are you talking about?” Phil asked, trying to clear his head.

“You know how I said the police came every few years?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, a couple of times, I was the reason why.”

“Dan, I-”

Dan got out of bed then, much faster than he should with his injuries, and began to pace around the room. “When I was seventeen, and then twenty-three, I called them from the phone in Joshua’s office.”

“I don’t understand, Dan, what do you mean?”

“Phil, I called them. _Me.”_ He replied, stopping his pacing to stare at Phil and point at himself. “I called the police and I was the reason they came, and then when they got there I didn’t do a damn thing. When I was seventeen, I was going to turn him in. I called the police and said that Joshua was hurting kids, I remained anonymous, and they came to check everything out. When they got there, I froze up. I didn’t do anything, I didn’t tell them anything. They asked me questions and I pretended like the accusations that _I made_ were ridiculous.”

He resumed his pacing, and Phil could tell he was beginning to go into a panic attack.

“Joshua didn’t know it was me that time, but he guessed it when I was twenty-three. The police told him the call came from his office, and he knew there were only like three people who would ever have access to his office, and I was the only person who would ever call. The police were still there checking everything out when he came to me, and he told me that he’d never go to prison and no one would ever believe me. He said he’d just use someone else instead of me, and he’d make my family leave, and I couldn’t risk it so I kept my mouth shut again and it was so stupid, I was so stupid, Phil-”

Phil hurried out of bed and over to Dan’s side. He stood in front of Dan, not touching him but holding his arms out toward Dan so he could step into them if he wanted. “Dan, you’ve got to calm down,” he said. “You need to take some deep breaths, okay?”

“I can’t fucking take a deep breath, Phil,” Dan replied, bringing a hand up to his chest. “I- It fucking hurts to take a d- deep breath.”

“Okay, okay.” Phil moved slightly closer to him. “Can I touch you?”

Dan nodded. “Of course.”

Phil put his hands on Dan’s upper arms. “Small, slow breaths then. How’s that?”

“I thought I was doing the right thing,” Dan said, his eyes filling with tears. “I thought he’d really never go to prison and it was better to keep quiet. I thought I was helping other kids by making sure I was the o- only one, but what if I wasn’t, Phil? Wh- What if he _did_ have others? Fuck, it was so stupid to think he wouldn’t have others, wasn’t it?”

“Dan, you have to stop thinking about that,” Phil said. “I know that sounds ridiculous, but you have to focus on calming down. You’re gonna hurt yourself worse.”

Dan nodded, tears falling down his cheeks as he took in a slow breath.

“That’s it,” Phil said, running his hands up and down Dan’s arms in time with his breathing. “Just breathe.”

“I feel s- so stupid,” Dan said, his bottom lip trembling.

“You have no reason to feel stupid.”

“But, Phil-”

“No, listen to me, Dan. You did what you thought was best. You did what you thought would keep you, Timothy, your parents, and everyone at God’s Guard safe. You can’t focus on all the things that didn’t happen; you can’t change that.”

Dan looked down toward the ground, so Phil placed a hand under his chin to lift his head back up. “Hey,” he said, making sure Dan was looking straight at him. “You are so brave. You are kind, and caring, and loving, and smart, and incredibly selfless. And Joshua _is_ in prison now, or he will be soon, and _you_ put him there. You kept those emails, and you told your story, and you are the reason he will never hurt another child or adult ever again.”

Dan moved forward, practically falling into Phil’s arms. He held onto him tight, and Phil hugged him back as best as he could without hurting him.

“I’m so tired,” Dan said, his voice breaking.

Phil turned his head so he could kiss Dan’s cheek. “Let’s go to bed.”

 

Another week passed by, and Dan was now able to move around without much issue. He still needed breaks every once in a while, but he could walk around the house and up and down the stairs without any pain, so Phil took that as a good sign.

There had been an unexpected issue with Dan getting better though.

Since he was, at least most of the time, no longer in pain, their makeout sessions were becoming heated again.

And there lied the problem.

Phil couldn’t bring himself to do more with Dan than kiss him.

An overwhelming feeling of guilt and anxiety would come over him and he’d have to pull away, telling Dan he just wasn’t in the mood for more.

Dan always understood, never pushing Phil to do more than he felt comfortable with. It almost made Phil feel worse.

Because, he _wanted_ to do more. He wanted to have sex with Dan and he wanted their bodies pressed together with nothing between them, but he also felt like it was wrong for him to do it.

It was the most confused Phil had ever felt, and he suffered in silence until he simply couldn’t anymore.

He knew there would only be so many times he could use the “I’m not in the mood” excuse when he’d been in the mood fairly regularly when they were at God’s Guard.

So, one night, they were in bed, Phil sitting up scrolling down his phone while Dan borrowed his laptop. Since Dan could now freely use the internet, it had become one of his favorite things to do. Going on Wikipedia binges or finding new games to play took up a lot of his time during the day.

Phil sighed, laying his phone down on his lap.

“Dan?”

“Yeah?” Dan replied, not looking away from the screen.

“I think I need therapy.”

Now Dan looked over at him. “What?”

“I think I need therapy,” Phil repeated.

“O… Okay. Why?”

Phil opened his mouth, letting the words spew out. “There’s just… There’s this mental block in my head whenever we, you know, start to get close to having sex. I feel like I’m taking advantage of you or something, and I know it sounds ridiculous, but it’s true, and I also have a lot of worries about things and I need to talk about them but I don’t know how to talk about them without sounding dumb so I’d really like to talk it out with someone who can-”

“Whoa!” Dan interrupted. “Slow down, Phil. Um, there was… That was a lot.”

Phil sighed again. “Sorry.”

“No, don’t be sorry,” Dan said, reaching over and taking hold of Phil’s hand. “I’m… I’m confused, really, because I don’t know why sex would make you feel like that? Did I say or do something?”

“No,” Phil assured him. “No, you didn’t do anything wrong, it’s just me. It’s like, I want to, but I can’t, and I don’t know how to fix it.”

“I suppose me saying that I want it too wouldn’t make you feel any better?”

Phil was silent for a moment, then shook his head. “No.”

Dan took a slow, deep breath. “Okay, then… Should we go together? Or would you rather go alone?”

“You’d go with me?” Phil asked, perking up a bit.

“Of course,” Dan replied. “It’d probably be good for me too. Therapy wasn’t something God’s Guard allowed, but I’ve actually done some research on it through Wikipedia and I think it would help me as well.”

Phil smiled, relief washing over him. “Thank you,” he said, squeezing Dan’s hand.

Dan leaned over and gave Phil a kiss on the cheek. “You know you can always tell me if something’s wrong,” he said. “I won’t judge you, I promise.”

Phil nodded. “I know. I’d just like to get everything unjumbled first.”

“I get that. I need to get some things unjumbled too.”

“I’ll call around tomorrow,” Phil replied. “I’ll find a good place for us.”

“Alright.” He gave Phil’s hand a final squeeze before letting go. “I’m gonna go back to my Wikipedia now, okay?”

Phil laughed as he picked his phone back up. “Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've got like 4 chapters left, guys! Thanks for sticking around :)
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	23. Proverbs 31:26

_ She speaks with wisdom, _

_ and faithful instruction is on her tongue. _

_ Proverbs 31:26 _

 

The day of their first therapy session, they were both a nervous wreck. Phil had made sure to go with the absolute best person he could find, talking over options with Dan before they made a final decision.

When they happened upon Dr. Harper, or Geri, as she preferred to be called, they knew she was the one. 

Not only was her receptionist unbelievably kind, but Geri spoke to both Dan and Phil on the phone the day they made their first appointment. She was soft spoken, funny, and relaxed, which was what they both needed.

For their first session, they each had twenty minutes alone with Geri, then they spoke to her together.

They covered a lot of ground during that session. Neither of them were hesitant to talk to her and let her know what they were thinking, or why they were there.

“I’m scared,” Phil admitted with Dan in the room.

“Why are you scared?” Geri asked.

“Because of how Dan and I met,” he replied. “It’s so… unconventional. Things happened quickly, and, at that time,” he turned to Dan, “at that time, you had no other option but me, you know? Like, there wasn’t a world of possibility out there. But, that world exists for you now and I’d hate to be holding you back from it.”

“But I don’t feel like you’re holding me back from anything,” Dan replied. “I like being with you. I like spending time with you. I get to be myself with you, and I don’t want to be on my own or with anyone else.”

“If I may,” Geri said, setting her pen down on the desk. “I believe Phil is trying to say that he wants you to know you have options. You’ve spent so many years in one place, that he doesn’t want you to think the flat or London is the new commune. Would that be correct, Phil?”

“Yes, exactly.”

Dan sighed. “Okay, like… I get that, I do. But, being with you is  _ my  _ choice. Being back there  _ wasn’t  _ my choice. I don’t feel stuck or trapped. I did before, at God’s Guard. I know what that feeling is like. This isn’t that.”

After a bit more reassurance, Phil finally understood that Dan didn’t feel like he had to be with him. Phil also assured Dan that _he_ wanted  Dan, he enjoyed Dan being around and loved that he had a best friend and boyfriend who he could be completely open and honest with.

Once that issue was resolved, Phil moved onto another one.

“I feel like I didn’t get help soon enough,” he said. “I think about that every day. I think about how I let you down by not calling the police the second you told me the things Joshua had done and was still doing to you.”

“Phil, I was the one who told you not to tell. I was the one who said I’d lie to the police if you  _ did  _ tell.”

“That doesn’t matter,” Phil replied. “I still should have called.”

Geri leaned forward in her chair. “I think it’s important to know that we all have regrets. We all respond to situations one way, and then later on we think of better ways to respond. Everyone says 'hindsight is 20/20' and that’s true, because when we first react to a situation it happens in a split second. We don’t have time to think through all the possibilities or what’s right and what’s not. What really matters is how we continue to react to the situation. Once we take the time to see what could or can be done, what we do then is important. Both of you took control of the situation when it came down to it. Now, Joshua is away from the public, where he can no longer hurt anyone.”

“But I can’t stop thinking about how Dan got hurt by him, and if I would’ve done something sooner, he wouldn’t have been hurt like that.”

“Guilt can eat a person alive, Phil,” Geri replied. “And blame can be passed around all day long. You can’t look at all the paths that could have been taken, all you can do is learn from the path that was taken. You can move forward from it, and you can learn to forgive yourself for the things you regret. And this doesn’t just speak to this one situation, or just to the two of you. This is what anyone has to do for any decision they make in life.”

Dan looked over at Phil. “Someone I care about a lot recently told me that you can’t change what didn’t happen, so you can’t focus on it.”

“Who?” Phil asked.

Dan smiled, letting out a little laugh. “You, you nerd! When I was panicking in the middle of the night a few weeks ago.”

“Oh,” Phil said, the memory coming back to him. “Oh, yeah, I guess I did.”

“Trying to take my job from me, are you, Phil?” Geri asked cheekily.

Phil smiled, a blush rising on his cheeks. “I guess I should start taking my own advice.”

When their therapy session was over, they left Geri’s office with appointments set up for the next week, and feeling lighter and happier than they had in a long time.

 

They spent the next couple of days going between relaxing and getting the flat ready for Phil’s parents to come for a visit.

Phil knew that, soon enough, they’d be finding a reason to come to London and see Dan. He was actually surprised they waited as long as they did. He half expected them to be at his flat the day he and Dan got home, so he was glad they gave Dan a few weeks to heal up and settle in.

He and Dan had made a couple of small trips out. One for grocery shopping and another to get Dan a few clothes of his own. It was nothing major, and they hadn’t been sightseeing yet, but Dan was patient. He enjoyed the small outings, and it made him even more excited for the big outings in the future. 

“When are they supposed to get here?” Dan asked, buttoning up some black jeans he borrowed from Phil. With it, he also had on a black jumper Phil had bought him when they went out. His hair was curly and styled so perfectly that Phil had to resist running his fingers through it.

“They should be here any minute.”

Dan took a deep breath. “Do I look alright? I need shoes on, I think.”

“You don’t need shoes on, and you look fine. My parents are really relaxed, they’re going to love you.” He walked over to Dan, placed his hands on his cheeks, and gave him a kiss. “Stop worrying.”

“I can’t,” Dan replied. “I’ve never been in a situation like this. Even with Jessica, I’d known her family for years. This is different.”

“It’s-” Phil was cut off by a knock on the door. “It’s going to be fine,” he said, walking away from Dan and heading for the door.

Dan ran his hands over his jumper, hoping it didn’t look wrinkled, and straightened his posture. He walked closer to the door, but stayed back, not wanting to hover over Phil.

“Mum, Dad!” Phil said, smiling as he opened the door to his parents. “Hello!” He gave his mum a hug, then gave one to his dad, as they all greeted one another. “This is Dan,” he introduced as they walked into the flat.

“Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Lester,” Dan said, smiling politely. His mouth felt so dry all of a sudden, like every drop of moisture had suddenly disappeared.

“Dan, it’s so lovely to meet you,” Kathryn said, opening her arms for a hug. Her smile was so soft and warm that it helped Dan to calm down a little bit.

He gave Kathryn a hug, and realized she must be where Phil got his full-body hugs from. 

“Please, call me Kathryn, or Kath, or Mum,” she said, patting his arms before letting go. “And this is Nigel, or Dad.”

“Nice to meet you, Dan,” he said, shaking Dan’s hand. He was quieter than Kathryn, his voice steady and low. He seemed calmer than Kathryn and Phil, which Dan was grateful for. He’d dealt with enough gruff and hostile men in his lifetime.

“It’s nice to meet you both as well,” Dan said. “Phil talks about you both all the time.”

“Good things, I hope,” Kathryn said, moving over to Phil and giving him a pinch on the cheek.

“Oh, yes, always,” Dan replied.

“Okay, let’s all go sit down,” Phil said. “I’ll get us drinks.”

Dan waved him off. “I can do that. You sit and talk with your parents.”

Before Phil had a chance to tell Dan to relax, he was off to the kitchen to get the drinks prepared.

“How does he know what we want?” Kathryn asked in a whisper.

“Oh, I told him you guys always ask for the same thing every time you come, so I’m pretty sure he memorized it. He really wants to make a good first impression.”

“He doesn’t need to do anything special for us,” she replied. “He seems perfectly lovely.”

“I told him that, but I think it’s just important to him.”

“Well, we’ll just have to show him exactly how much he’s already loved by being himself, won’t we Nigel?”

Nigel gave Kathryn a single nod. “Yes, Dear.”

 

They all sat in the living room and talked for a few hours, Dan getting up to refill their drinks a couple of times. 

Phil was glad they kept the questions mostly off of Dan, letting him be a bystander in the conversations they were having. He was even thankful for his mum’s embarrassing stories about him when he was younger. As he blushed and whined for her to stop, inwardly he was counting his blessings that his family wasn’t pushy and was good at hiding their nosiness. 

It wasn’t until it was getting close to dinner time that Phil encountered a problem. 

Will called him, telling him a former member of God’s Guard, one that Will had been helping Phil try and get in contact with for a couple of weeks, had called Will back and was willing to speak with Phil. The issue was that she was only in the London area for one day, and wouldn’t be able to do an in person interview any other time.

“You have to go,” Dan said when Phil called him to the bedroom to tell him the news.

“But, my parents.”

“They’ll be here when you get back. You have to go talk to her.”

“Are you sure?” Phil asked. “I don’t want to leave you with them if you’re uncomfortable.”

“I guarantee you I’ve been far more uncomfortable than this in my lifetime. They seem fine, Phil. Go.”

Phil took a deep breath, then leaned in and gave Dan a peck on the lips. “I’ll be back soon,” he said, moving around the room quickly to gather up his wallet, keys, and shoes.

“Don’t rush it,” Dan replied. “Do your job, ask questions, tell her story.”

Phil paused briefly to look over at Dan, giving him a smile. “You know you’re the best person in the world, right?”

Dan shrugged, trying to hide his grin. “I know. It never hurts to be reminded though.”

 

“Phil was upset that he had to go,” Dan said, desperately trying to make conversation with the Lester’s. “He should be back soon though.”

“That’s perfectly fine, Dear. We’re more than happy to spend some time with you,” Kathryn replied. “We understand that this article is very important to him, and yourself I’m sure.”

Dan nodded. “Yes, it is. I think, even if it doesn’t help anyone in God’s Guard to leave, it could prevent more people from ever going there.”

“Then I’m glad he went.”

“Me too.”

Silence loomed over them again, and Dan felt his soul crushing with every second that passed by. He hated awkward silences, even if the silence only felt awkward to him.

“I think I might go unpack our things in the guest room,” Nigel said, causing Dan’s head to whip over in his direction. “I’ll be back in a bit.”

As he got up and headed out of the room, Kathryn moved from a chair over to the couch.

“So, Dan, tell me a bit about yourself.”

“Um, well, there’s probably not much to tell. I’m sure you know a lot about me already,” he replied, nervously biting at his bottom lip.

“Not really, no. Phil mentioned you quite a bit, but he never gave away details. Let’s start with your age, shall we?”

“I’m twenty-six,” Dan replied. “My birthday is June 11th.”

“Oh, that’s a beautiful birthdate. I always wanted a summer baby, because there aren’t many holidays over the summer. I got an October baby and a January baby instead. I suppose that’s not their fault though.”

Dan smiled. “No, I suppose not.”

“Do you have any brothers or sisters?”

Dan shook his head. “No, it’s just me. There’s a boy, well he’s not really a boy anymore, but he’s still at God’s Guard. His name is Timothy, and he was always like a little brother to me. He’s six years younger than me, but he’d been with me since the day he was born.”

“You must miss him dearly,” Kathryn said, her voice soft and concerned. 

“I do.” Dan felt tears starting to fill in his eyes, so he quickly cleared his throat and changed the subject. “You both must be starving. Um, Phil was going to cook but I could just order something out instead.”

“Anything is fine, Dear,” Kathryn replied. “What was Philip going to make?”

“Roasted chicken, with potatoes and carrots.”

“We could do that,” Kathryn said, getting up and heading into the kitchen. Dan got up as well and followed behind her.

“I don’t… Uh, I don’t really know to much about cooking,” Dan said, his cheeks going red in embarrassment. “Men weren’t really allowed to cook much where I grew up.”

“I suppose it is seen as a woman’s duty in many places still,” Kathryn said, getting the ingredients from the fridge and setting them out on the counter. 

“Yes, it was.” He felt shameful over the way he was raised, even though Kathryn was doing nothing to make him feel that way. “I never agreed,” he quickly added. “I always wanted to learn how to cook things, but my dad would say it didn’t matter. He’d tell me that I’d always have someone to do that cooking for me.”

Kathryn reached over and patted Dan on the arm. “You don’t have to explain yourself to me, Child,” he said. “Now, come over here. You’re going to slice the carrots and potatoes while I get some spices on the chicken. I’ll show you how to do it all, and next time you’ll be able to make it all on your own.”

Dan nodded and moved closer to her so he could see how she cut the vegetables.

Once she showed him how to do it, she handed over the knife and let him get to work.

“Phil’s been showing me how to make some things,” Dan said, cutting the skin from a potato and rinsing it off under the sink. “He doesn’t cook very often, but he’s shown me how to make scrambled eggs, spaghetti, and a few other simple things like that.”

“That’s wonderful. A whole new world opens up to you when you know how to cook. It’s one of my favorite things to do, especially when I’m upset.”

“Why when you’re upset?”

“Because it helps to calm me down. I can focus on the recipe, and all I have to do is make sure I don’t burn what I’m cooking.”

Dan smiled. “I actually burned pasta the other day when I tried making spaghetti on my own,” he admitted. “That’s when Phil taught me how to do it. I didn’t know you were supposed to add water to it.”

Kathryn laughed. “Oh my goodness, you poor thing! At least you know now, yeah?”

“Yeah, I definitely know now.”

“Is she talking about her anger cooking?” Nigel asked, coming out from the back room and leaning against the bar.

“I am,” Kathryn replied.

“She makes the best food when she’s angry at me,” Nigel said, reaching into the pot of just-sliced potatoes and eating a bite. “Sometimes I start little arguments just so I know dinner will be delicious.”

“Oh, hush you!” Kathryn scolded, a smile on her face. “And stop stealing food. He’s such a child sometimes, I swear.”

“Phil’s like that too,” Dan replied. “He always eats the food before it’s done cooking. And when we order out, he has the boxes open before they’re set down on the counter.”

Kathryn nodded. “He gets that from his father.”

“Yes, and if he snores, he gets  _ that  _ from his mother.”

“You’re ten seconds from being tossed out the house if you don’t watch it, Mister,” Kathryn replied, wiggling a piece of chicken in Nigel’s direction.

Nigel put his hands up in surrender. “I shall retire to the living room and quietly watch some telly.”

Dan loved listening to the soft banter between the two. His parents never really did that. Sure, they’d joke with one another on occasion, but it wouldn’t last for very long. They were generally more serious people, and they didn’t really speak to each other all that much. There were many quiet days in the Howell home. Dan had a feeling things were very different in the Lester household.

“So, Dan,” Kathryn began once Nigel was seated in the living room. “How has it been living in London? Have you gone sightseeing?”

“Not very much, to be honest. Phil and I keep making plans, then we find reasons to just stay inside and relax all day. I’ve been out a couple of times for short trips to get some things, but no sightseeing.”

“Well, you must get out as soon as you can. There is so much history here, it would be shame to not see it.”

“Oh, I’m sure we’ll get out soon. Honestly, I don’t like the fact that I can’t pay for anything when we do go out. I’m fully dependant on Phil for everything, and I’m not even sure where to start to make my own money.” Now that Dan was venting to Kathryn, he couldn’t seem to stop. “I’ve applied to so many places, but I don’t really know how to do a resume and no one has responded to me. I’ve looked at templates of resumes online, but I don’t even know what I’d write on my own because I really don’t have experience in anything. Not many people want to hire a twenty-six year old with no experience whatsoever.”

“Many people lie on their resumes,” Kathryn replied. “You could turn one day of babysitting into two years of experience working with children if you wanted to. Phil’s good at doing that, if you’d like for him to make your resume for you.”

Dan nodded. “I was going to ask for his help soon, I just wanted to try it out on my own first. Hasn’t been successful, at all.”

“What do you enjoy doing? Or what do you think you  _ would  _ enjoy doing?”

Dan thought for a moment. “I actually did like all the work I did on videos for God’s Guard. I did web design, and I was in charge of our YouTube channel. That was always fun. I don’t have any real experience in it though, so I doubt anyone would hire me.”

Kathryn shrugged. “Couldn’t you make your own videos?” She asked. “I’ve read some stories about many other people making careers out of YouTube. You could start there.”

Dan finished the last potato and moved on to cleaning and cutting the carrots. “I don’t have any idea what I’d make videos about.”

“The possibilities are endless,” Kathryn said, walking over to the oven and turning it on. “You could talk about your life growing up, or any funny or serious stories you have. You could come up with games, or make that slime like so many others are doing right now.”

“I actually wouldn’t mind talking about some stories I have. It’d be different for sure, and they’re not all bad or sad. I have a lot of weird and funny stories from growing up.”

“It’s an idea then, yeah?”

Dan nodded. “Yeah, I’d just… I’d have to buy a camera first. I think I might need to work a while, and then maybe I could save up for it. But it is a good idea for someday.”

Kathryn smiled and patted Dan on the back. “And someday it will go from an idea to a reality. I’m sure of it.”

 

The Lester’s spent three days with Dan and Phil, then it was time for them to head back home.

Dan was sad to see them go. He had become so close with them during their short time there, and he promised they’d come and visit as soon as they could.

As they said their goodbye’s, Kathryn handed Dan a gift bag.

“What’s this?” Dan asked.

“Open it and see,” she replied. “Just a little thing Nigel and I picked up while we were out yesterday.”

Dan glanced at Phil, who shrugged, then took the tissue paper out of the bag and pulled out a box.

On the box was a photo of a video camera.

A brand new, HD, video camera.

He looked up at Kathryn. “You bought me a camera?” He asked, tears already in his eyes.

“I told Nigel of your dreams for the future and he came up with the idea.”

“You… You shouldn’t have. It’s too much.”

She raised up a hand to hush him. “It’s an investment in your future.” She walked up to him and gave him a hug. “You’re going to do wonderful things, Dan. We both love you very much.”

Dan hugged her back as tight as he could. “Thank you,” he said, his voice shaky. “Thank you so much. I love you too.”

Once he let her go, he gave Nigel a hug as well, and they all said their goodbyes to one another.

Phil walked them to their cab, then came back in to see Dan on the couch, staring down at the camera like it was a newborn baby.

“You okay?” Phil asked, sitting down beside him.

Dan took a deep breath, then scooted into Phil’s side. He held onto the box tight, making sure it was safe in his arms.

“I’m happy,” he said, a tear falling down his cheek. “I’m just really happy.”


	24. Ecclesiastes 9:7

_ Go, eat your food with gladness, _

_ and drink your wine with a joyful heart, _

_ for God has already approved what you do. _

_ Ecclesiastes 9:7 _

 

“But what is my style, Phil? How do I really know?”

Phil sighed. “Dan, hon, do you want the jumper, or not?” He was trying to remain as patient as possible, but they’d been in this one store for nearly two hours and Dan had questioned every item of clothing he had put on his body.

Dan scrunched up his nose, looking over at Phil. “Is it too much, you think? Too flashy?”

“It’s a black and white striped jumper, it’s not flashy.”

“I just… I don’t know.” He stared into the mirror again, biting down on his bottom lip.

Phil knew that look very well. The look of fear and nerves, where something from his past was bubbling up inside of him.

“What’s the matter?” Phil asked, stepping closer to him.

Dan shrugged. “Twenty years of wearing the same clothes everyday. I know I’ve worn some other things for a couple of months now, but this is different. This isn’t a cheap sale item at a discount shop, you know? This is like the first real time of going out shopping, and I’m just… I don’t know.”

Phil moved behind Dan, wrapping his arms around Dan’s waist and resting his head on his shoulder. “Well, I think you look absolutely stunning.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “You were just annoyed with me two seconds ago.”

“I love how it’s a little big on you,” Phil continued, ignoring Dan’s comment, “and it falls off your shoulders a bit.” He pressed a kiss onto Dan’s shoulder. “I love how my hands could fit up under it and your skin will be all warm,” he moved his hands up under the jumper. Dan gasped slightly at the cold fingers touching his stomach.

“You’re ridiculous,” Dan replied, unable to hide the smile on his face. 

“And you have looked absolutely amazing in every single piece of clothing you’ve put on.”

“You’re just saying that to get in my pants.”

“I’m saying it because it’s true,” Phil replied, pressing a kiss to Dan’s cheek before he let him go and moved over to the side again. “Plus, I don’t think I really have to say much at all to get in your pants.”

Dan picked up a shirt and threw it over at Phil. “Shut up.”

 

Once things got more settled, Phil returned to work part time. He found staying at home far too distracting if he wanted to actually get his article written.

I mean, Dan was just so hot, and he was always there in his new clothes that were so pretty on him, and even prettier off of him, so Phil definitely had to leave to get things done.

Along with therapy, Dan had been writing in a journal about his life growing up, so he decided to take one of those stories and make a video while Phil was gone.

Since he’d been discovering what his style was, he chose to talk about the uniforms at God’s Guard, and the freedom that came with being able to wear whatever you wanted. Also, because it was his first video, he’d use the opportunity to introduce himself and show a little bit about who he was before and who he is now.

For a particular part of the video, Dan needed to get back into his old clothes.

He needed to put on that white dress shirt and slacks, needed to lace up his dress shoes and make sure his hair was perfectly combed with every strand in its proper place.

He didn’t think much of it as he did it. It wasn’t until he looked in the mirror to check that everything was perfect that it hit him.

That was his life.

That was his everyday routine.

Not just his, but every man’s in God’s Guard.

He wasn’t allowed a personality of his own. He had no individual style. While all the women wore the same style of dress, all the men wore this, and just looking at himself in these clothes again was almost too much.

Tears stung in his eyes, and he wasn’t sure exactly why he was crying, but the shirt felt suffocating and the pants were way too loose and the shoes were so uncomfortable. 

He took a deep breath and wiped the tears from his cheeks.

It was just for a video.

He wasn’t trapped in these clothes anymore.

It didn’t matter if the shirt was a little wrinkly.

It didn’t matter if the pants didn’t have a perfect crease.

It didn’t matter if he was wearing black, crew cut socks with his shoes.

None of it mattered anymore. 

He was just making a video.

This was all pretend.

 

“I absolutely love it.”

“You’re just saying that because you have to,” Dan replied, taking the laptop back from Phil.

“I am not! I told you I’d be completely honest, and I am. I think you did an amazing job. It’s serious, but still funny, and you introduce yourself to the world through your fashion. It’s an incredible first video.”

“I’m sure not many people will see it,” Dan said, signing on to YouTube to get the video uploaded.

“A video like that? Tons of people will watch.”

“I doubt that.” Dan shrugged. “It was fun to make though, and would be a good hobby even when I get a job in something else.”

“Mark my words, Howell,” Phil started, leaning over to press a kiss to Dan’s temple before he got up to head into the kitchen, “this is going to be your new job.”

“I won’t hold my breath.”

“I should hope not. You wouldn’t want to die from lack of oxygen before you become an internet sensation.”

“You’re absolutely ridiculous, Philip.”

A couple of minutes later, Phil returned from the kitchen with a glass of ribena for each of them. “Tomorrow night we go out and celebrate,” he said, handing Dan a glass.

“Celebrate what?”

“Your new career.”

“Seems a bit haste, doesn’t it?”

Phil shook his head. “Not to me. Plus, I want to take you out to dinner anyway. Say you want to go.”

“Do I have a choice?” Dan asked, a tiny grin on his face.

“Always.”

Dan groaned and rolled his eyes. “Of course I want to go if food’s involved, Phil.”

Phil smiled. “Good. Now get the video posted. I want to refresh the view count until I fall asleep.”

 

“Phil, this place is beautiful,” Dan said once they were seated at their table.

They were on the top floor of one of the tallest buildings Dan had ever seen, at a table right by a window. It gave them a perfect view of London; all the places they had been before and all the places they still needed to go to.

“I was a bit nervous because I’ve never been here before, but Will said it was amazing and I think I have to agree.”

“He’s a smart man, that Will.”

Phil rolled his eyes. “God, please don’t ever tell him that. Keep it out of your guys night outings. Which, by the way, I can’t believe you have guys night outings with Will. He’d been trying to get me to do that for years and I always said no.”

“You should’ve said yes,” Dan replied. “They’re pretty wild. I don’t know how he managed to get us kicked out of a bowling alley, but he did it in under ten minutes.”

“Yeah, I think I’ll leave guys night out to you two.”

 

They continued talking for awhile, long after drinks and dinner had been ordered.

There was something Phil had been wanting to say. He’d actually been wanting to say it for a long time, but he had been too terrified. 

He wasn’t scared anymore though. Not at all.

“Anyway, I told Will that at no point were we ever made to chant in the streets, march, or wear robes, but he said I was ruining everything movies had ever told him about cults and that I needed to stop talki- why are you looking at me like that?”

“Looking at you like what?” Phil asked.

Dan placed his elbow on the table and put his head in his hand, tilted his head to the side and stared at Phil the exact same way Phil was staring at him. “Like this,” he replied.

Phil smiled. “I just love you.”

Dan froze, a wave of disbelief washing over him as he realized what Phil just said. “You… You do?”

Phil nodded. “I really, really do.”

Dan sat back in his seat, trying to control his smile so he didn’t look  _ completely  _ ridiculous. “I love you too,” he replied, the words coming out easier than anything he’d ever said in his entire life.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Phil held his hand out on the table and Dan took it, holding onto it tight. “I’m glad you’re my best friend.”

Somehow, that made Dan feel even mushier than the “I love you.”

“I’m glad you’re mine too.”

They held onto each other for a moment, letting the comfortable silence wash over them.

“You do realize your mum told me she loved me before you did, right?”

Phil groaned. “I know. I can’t believe she stole my thunder like that.”

Dan laughed. “Will told me he loved me before you did as well.”

“Well, now I’m actually going to have to kill him.”

As they settled back into their banter, things somehow felt exactly the same yet brand new all at once.

And it was the best feeling in the world.

 

“Sometimes I can’t believe it,” Dan whispered, he and Phil cuddled up close in bed. They were both sweating slightly, their hearts still beating faster than normal.

Dan’s head was resting on Phil’s chest and Phil’s hand was lazily making its way up and down Dan’s back.

“Believe what?” Phil asked.

“This. Us. My life. Everything, really. I can’t believe every dream I had growing up is actually coming true. I can’t believe that I get to lie here with you, and we’re not in the Winder’s house. I can’t believe that I really got out of that place, and that I get to live with you, and I get to love you.”

Phil pressed a kiss to the top of Dan’s head. “I can’t believe it either, to be honest. I never expected to fall in love at God’s Guard. I didn’t even want to go, but Will convinced me and I’m just… I’m just so glad he did. I didn’t think I’d find my best friend and the love of my life.”

Dan wrapped his arms tighter around Phil’s waist. “We’re so cheesy,” he said, turning his head slightly to kiss Phil’s chest.

“I know,” Phil agreed. “I love it.”

Dan smiled. “Me too.”

 

Dan’s video went over much better than he expected. Within a couple of days he had over 1,000 subscribers, and the numbers kept going up.

Because God’s Guard had been in the news so much lately, his video caught on with many websites that brought in even more viewers than he could have imagined.

Of course, some of the things people wrote on the video were dumb, mean, or downright cruel, but Dan had been through worse. Nothing they said could hurt him the way being at God’s Guard did. Maybe that was a sad way to look at it, but it helped Dan to keep positive and get ready to make another video.

Dan was listening to Phil ramble on about how incredible it was that he was already getting ads on his videos when his phone buzzed. 

_ Timothy: I just got to watch it! It was so good! I snorted a few times! _

_ Dan: i havent heard from you in weeks where the hell have you been _

_ Timothy: Language, Daniel! You know I can’t use the phone much. My parents are out right now. That’s why I can text. _

_ Dan: i dont really hold back on the language anymore timothy _

_ Timothy: Yeah, I heard in your video. You’ve gotten very colorful. _

_ Dan: theres a whole world of words out there and theyve been waiting for me to use them _

_ Timothy: I’m rolling my eyes at you right now.  _

_ Timothy: I miss you. _

_ Timothy: I miss Phil too. _

_ Timothy: But mostly you. _

_ Dan: i miss you too _

_ Dan: you can always come here you know _

_ Dan: anytime _

_ Timothy: I just couldn’t leave my family. Not right now.  _

_ Dan: i get it _

_ Dan: how are things there _

_ Timothy: Different. Better, in some ways. I mean, it doesn’t take much to be better than Joshua. _

_ Dan: true _

_ Dan: but is it really any better _

_ Timothy: … _

_ Timothy: I gotta go. I hear my parents coming in. I’ll talk to you soon. Love you _

_ Dan: love you too _

_ Dan: be safe _

 

Another week passed by and Dan was writing a script for a new video when Phil arrived home from work early.

“Hey, what are you doing here?” Dan asked as Phil walked in and dropped down on the couch beside him. He was holding a small stack of papers, neatly put together and stapled at the top.

“It’s ready,” Phil replied, turning so he could face Dan.

“What’s ready?”

Phil pushed his glasses up slightly on his nose. “The article. I finished it. It’s been proofed and everything.” He held a hand over the papers on his lap. “This is it.”

Dan took a deep breath, staring at the papers for a moment before returning Phil’s gaze.

“Can I read it?” He asked.

Phil nodded. “Of course,” he replied, handing the papers over to Dan. “I’m gonna go take a shower while you read. You know I can’t be in the same room while someone reads my stuff.” He got up from the couch, leaning over to give Dan a kiss on the cheek before heading out of the room. “Let me know what you think when I get out.”

“I will.”

Dan stared at the blank first page until he heard the shower turn on. Then he briefly closed his eyes, took another deep breath, turned the page, and began to read.


	25. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

_ Love is patient, love is kind. _

_ It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. _

_ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, _

_ it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. _

_ Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. _

_ It always protects, always trusts,  _

_ always hopes, always preserves. _

_ Love never fails… _

_ 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 _

 

“It’s perfect,” Dan said, still staring down at the article. Phil had taken a seat at the end of the couch when Dan had called him in, his back leaning against the armrest and his legs folded. He was nervous, picking at his nails, which was something he rarely ever did. 

“Are you sure? It’s not too personal?”

“Oh, it’s definitely too personal,” Dan replied, sitting up a bit straighter and looking at Phil, “but that’s why it’s perfect. It’s more like an actual story, or a book, rather than just an article.”

“I can take out anything you want,” Phil said quickly. “It doesn’t matter what. You tell me what you don’t want and it’s gone, I promi-”

“Phil,” Dan said, handing over the article to him. “It’s perfect. I promise. I’m fine with all of it.”

Phil took a deep breath. “Are you sure?”

“Completely sure. Have you sent this to any of the other people you interviewed? Former members, I mean.”

“I only sent them their sections. I didn’t want them to read all the parts about you, and me, and us, until you read it and okayed it.”

“Well, I’ve okayed it.”

Phil looked down at the paper, running his thumb along corner to see the page numbers on the bottom. “Is it too long? Too detailed?”

“Details are good,” Dan replied. “And necessary, I think.”

“Do you think it’ll change anyone’s mind?” Phil asked, staring up at Dan with so much hope in his eyes that it almost brought Dan to tears.

“I don’t know,” he answered honestly. “I hope so, but… I don’t know.”

Phil nodded, letting out a sigh. “Yeah… Maybe though.”

Dan smiled softly at him, then leaned over and gave him a kiss. “Maybe.”

 

“I’m not letting my followers pick my clothes,” Dan said, rolling his eyes at the idea.

“But that would be such a cute video, Dan! And I could make the final decisions!”

“You’d put me in something weird, like a fursuit or a bikini.”

Phil shrugged. “It’s not my fault that you decided to make a ‘I’m a furry’ joke on a video and it caught on, and it’s also not my fault that your butt would look amazing in a bikini.”

Dan glared at him. “No to the video.”

“Ugh,” Phil groaned. “You’re no fun.”

“That’s not what you said last night.”

“Ohhh!” Phil joked, looking over at Dan with wide eyes. 

“Ohhh!” Dan immitated, his voice slightly higher pitched. They continued the battle until they were both laughing too hard to continue.

“You should make your own channel,” Dan said once they had calmed down. “That way you can do your video ideas without trying to make me do them.”

“I’m not sure I’d be good at that.”

“You’ve been in like three or four of my videos now, you nerd!” Dan exclaimed, stretching his leg out across the couch to poke Phil with his foot. “The people love you already.”

“Well, I  _ am  _ very lovable,” Phil agreed.

“Oh God, I never should have opened that door.”

“I mean, did you see that one comment you got on a video a couple months ago, the one where we drew things on each other with blindfolds? Shelly442 thinks I’m amazing.”

“Yes, I know, Philip. You’ve mentioned it a few times.”

“Just the way she wrote it, you know, ‘Phil is so amazing! I love when he does videos with you, Dan. It’s the best content!’ And then five hundred people agreed with her and liked her comment.”

“It was 452 people, Phil, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”

“I could be AmazingPhil, Dan!” Phil exclaimed. “What a fantastic username!”

“Or you could just be Phil Lester, like I went with Daniel Howell… Just use your name.”

Phil waved him off. “No, no time for that. Why be boring Phil Lester when I can be AmazingPhil?”

Dan smiled. He couldn’t help but smile when Phil went on one of his rants like this. “It seems you’ve made up your mind then. You’re gonna give YouTube a try?”

“Hm.” Phil thought for a brief second before nodding his head. “Might as well, you know, since the people love me.”

Dan rolled his eyes and groaned as he got up off the couch to leave the room. “God help me.”

 

Life was good. That was something Dan could think and say without it being a lie. The life he had now was a good one, and he wouldn’t trade it for anything.

That’s not to say that everything was perfect all the time.

He and Phil were similar people, but they weren’t identical with everything and sometimes that caused disagreements.

Like, Phil was a generally messy person who liked a clean house. Meaning, his items weren’t dusty, but they were often scattered around in places they shouldn’t be.

Dan was opposite. He hated cleaning, but he liked things to be in order. 

Phil also dumped his leftover food in the trash, while Dan preferred to put his food down the sink. He hated taking out the garbage when Phil’s old, smelly, soggy food was inside of it.

And Phil hated hearing the sounds of the garbage disposal when Dan tossed his food into the sink.

Phil left his shoes wherever he decided to take them off, and Dan often found himself tripping over them in the middle of the night as he tried to get to the bathroom.

No matter the argument, they never lasted long, and they never allowed themselves to go to bed angry.

They worked out every issue they had, even if it took all night long, which happened on one or two occasions.

But, not all problems were caused by their disagreements. 

Sometimes, Dan just had bad days. 

Or bad nights.

Times where he’d wake up in cold sweats, images of Joshua flashing through his mind. Nights where his dreams would be filled with the one man he never he never wanted to see or think about.

Sometimes, he’d wake up yelling. Phil would be wide awake, sitting beside him, making sure he wasn’t touching him but also letting him know he was there.

There were emergency visits to their therapist.

There were days when Dan didn’t get out of bed, didn’t shower, didn’t brush his teeth, didn’t eat, didn’t move until Phil would make him.

Times where Phil would have to physically move him into a sitting position and hold a cup of water to Dan’s mouth to make him drink.

There were times where the weight of everything they’d both been through would feel so heavy on Phil’s shoulders that he’d turn on the shower just to cry alone.

Times where Dan could still hear the sobs over the shower and he’d walk in and hold Phil until they were both so tired that they’d get up and go to bed, even if it was the middle of the day.

But for every one bad day, there were ten or more good ones to make up for it.

Days where they sat on the couch and watched TV, eating junk food until they couldn’t move even if they wanted to.

Days where they walked around London, shopping or acting as though they were tourists.

There were mornings where Dan would wake up after the best night’s sleep and Phil would be right beside him, curled around him, keeping him warm, and he’d feel like the absolute luckiest person in the world.

There were nights that they’d go to the movies and Phil would hold Dan’s hand the entire time, as they ate popcorn and drank soda, and Dan’s hand would get sweaty and so would Phil’s but neither of them wanted to let go so they never did.

There was even a trip to Greece a few months after they had settled into their new lives.

A week spent in a foreign country, seeing things neither of them had ever seen before.

They stayed in a small villa, tucked into their own little world, with no noise but the sound of the ocean waves.

So, even with the bad days, they were happy.

Life was good.

 

It had been ten months since Dan had left God’s Guard when he got a letter in the mail.

He was shocked when he found the letter in the mailbox with familiar handwriting. It made him excited and nervous at the same time.

He hurried to open the letter, and any excitement faded as he read.

“Phil,” he said, walking back to their bedroom, where Phil was currently editing one of his videos for YouTube.

“Yeah?”

Dan walked over to the bed, standing at the side as he handed the letter over to Phil.

“What’s this?” Phil asked.

“Read it.”

Phil looked down at the paper. _ “‘Dearest Daniel,’”  _ he read off the page,  _ “‘I wanted you to know that your father and I miss you dearly. God’s Guard isn’t the same without you. Our lives aren’t the same without you. We want you to know that you are welcome back here anytime. We want you to know that, as soon as you ask, God will forgive you of all your sins. You can get better. You can make it so Joshua can return to us, if you simply repent...’ _ Okay, I think I’m done,” Phil said, dropping the paper onto the bed. “Your mum sent you that?”

Dan nodded, not trusting himself to speak at the moment.

Phil moved his laptop from his lap onto the bed and stood, wrapping Dan up in a big hug.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered, tears coming to his eyes simply because he knew Dan would be crying too.

Dan took in a shaky breath. “She’s… She’s a piece of shit,” he managed to get out.

Phil nodded. “I think I have to agree.”

While Dan never told anyone else about the letter, he knew Phil must’ve, because not even a week later, he received another letter.

This time it was from Kathryn.

_ Dan, _

_ Nigel and I have been missing you and Phil more than I can describe. You two bring so much joy into our lives that we simply want to be around you all the time. _

_ You two must visit us again soon, or we will have to make another trip to you. _

_ Now, Dan, I addressed this letter to you because Philip knows I love him. _

_ I want you to know that I love you very much, and in the time I have known you, you have become a son to me. Nigel feels the same. _

_ You are absolutely perfect the way you are, and anyone who says different can, to put it simply, go fuck themselves (don’t tell Phil I used that word).  _

_ Also, your latest video was so funny I nearly wet myself laughing. _

_ Love and kisses to you and Phil. _

_ Love, Mum (and Dad) _

Needless to say, Dan cried for happier reasons that day.

 

“I just don’t understand how people speak English on every single planet they go to.”

“Dan, every episode would literally just be them learning the language if they did it that way.”

“I’m not saying they have to have a new language for every episode, I’m just saying every once in a while they could change it up a bit.”

“They do!” Phil exclaimed. “Like four seasons ago that one group of people spoke that one language.”

Dan stared over at Phil. “That clears everything up.”

“Well, I-” There was a knock on the door, causing Phil to pause. “Oh, pizza!” he said, quickly getting up. 

He opened the door, freezing when he did not see the delivery person on the other side.

“Um, Dan?” He said, turning back toward the living room.

“Yeah?” Dan replied, pausing the show but not bothering to look over toward the door. “Did you lose your wallet again?”

“No, I… It’s…” He turned back to the door. “Come in.”

As he closed the door, Dan finally looked over. His eyes widened as he stood. “Timothy!” He exclaimed in disbelief, practically running over to him and giving him a hug.

Timothy let out a laugh. “Have you missed me?” He asked, returning the hug.

“Are you… What… What are you doing here?” Dan asked, pulling back enough to look him over and make sure he was okay.

“I left,” Timothy replied. 

“Are you serious?”

“Well, I’m here, aren’t I?” Timothy said with a smile.

“Uh, why don’t we sit down and talk?” Phil suggested. “Would you like anything to eat or drink?”

“I’m good, thanks.”

They sat down, Dan and Phil on the sofa while Timothy sat in a chair.

“Why’d you leave?” Dan asked. “Did someone do something to you? Did someone hurt?”

“No, no, nothing like that,” Timothy replied quickly so Dan would calm down. “I just… didn’t want to be there anymore.”

Dan gave him a look. “You’re lying.”

_ “Dan,”  _ Phil went to scold him.

Timothy rolled his eyes. “No, he’s right, I’m lying.”

“You don’t lie to me,” Dan said. “Why are you lying?”

Timothy sighed. “The night you printed emails from my dad’s computer, how long was it from the time you left my house until you went to the offices?”

“Um… Wow, that was a long time ago,” Dan said, trying to think back to that absolutely horrible night. “I think about thirty minutes, maybe a little more? I had printed out the emails there and then I took them back to my house. I walked to the offices after that, so, yeah, half an hour. Why?”

“Well, apparently, you left one of the emails behind, or my dad somehow got a hold of one. He found it and took it to Joshua." Timothy pulled out a piece of paper from his pocket and handed it over to Dan. “I found it about a week ago when I was putting up laundry. My dad had kept a copy without telling anyone. I confronted him about it and he said he went to Joshua about it and Joshua told him that you were trying to set him up. The email, it… it says horrible things, and I… my dad knew what Joshua was doing, but instead of doing anything about it he just went to him and then believed him. I think he  _ still  _ believes him, and I can’t do that. I can’t be there anymore.”

Dan didn’t open the paper. He didn’t want to see the email. He didn’t need to relive that ever again.

“Are you sure?” Dan asked. 

“Sure about..?”

“That you want to leave? It’s a big decision, and I know you love your family and-”

“You and Phil are my family,” Timothy interrupted. “You are my brother, Dan, and that makes Phil my brother too. Knowing that my dad was the one who got you hurt like that, and that he kept that letter to read and put the blame on you?” He shook his head. “No, I don’t want to be there anymore.”

“Well, you’re welcome here,” Phil said. “We’ve got a spare room that we can get set up for you. Whatever you didn’t bring with you, we can go to the store tomorrow and get.”

“Are you sure that’s okay? I know it’s unexpected.”

“Of course it is!” Dan exclaimed. “You’re staying, that’s final. We’ll figure everything out later, but you’re definitely staying.”

There was another knock on the door and Phil stood back up to go get it. “Now  _ that  _ should be the pizza.”

“You guys ordered pizza?” Timothy asked, his eyes widening.

Dan nodded. “From the best place around. We ordered way too much, so there’s plenty for all three of us.”

Timothy grinned. “I’ve never had pizza that wasn’t homemade before. You think I’ll like it?”

“Oh yeah,” Dan said with a smile. “I think you’ll love it.”

 

Later on that night, after Timothy had eaten pizza, drank soda, watched the first five episodes of Friends, and fallen asleep on the couch, Dan grabbed a blanket and draped it over him.

He walked back to the bathroom, where Phil was finishing up brushing his teeth. “Hey,” he said, pulling Phil close and giving him a kiss on the lips. “I love you.”

“What’s that for?” Phil asked. “I mean, love you too. But, what’s that for?”

Dan shrugged. “You didn’t even hesitate about Timothy moving in, and you let him eat the last slice of pizza which I know you wanted, and you’re the most amazing person I know, and I just really, really love you.”

Phil smiled. “I’ll take that,” he said, pulling Dan into a hug. “You okay?” He asked, knowing the night had been a lot to process.

“I’m perfect,” Dan replied, sinking into Phil. Timothy being with them, instead of at God’s Guard, felt like the last piece of the puzzle being put into its proper place. “Everything’s perfect.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all of the love and support you have given me throughout my time writing this fic. It has meant the absolute world to me!
> 
> I'm working on another fic right now, but I don't think I'll be posting it until I have fully written it. So stay tuned!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


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